What to do with self pity?

[Lexington]

Hi any advice about self pity as a feeling/emotion? Is it one to feel or fight? I have had the feeling probably many millions of times in my life and I think it was something I did to self soothe as a child and teenager when parents were unavailable (which was mostly) and it's stuck and it makes me stuck. Thinking from an Alan Gordon perspective is this my inner child or my inner bully? As it can take on a negative/abusive tone and give you permission for not trying or giving up. Or is it a way I repress so as not to fully engage with emotions. I ask because I want to know how to respond - tell it to back off or give compassion?
Physical update - much more mobile and been goal setting with Fred Amir's book while doing psychological stuff on tms wiki. I have had some remarkable success with affirmations said out loud and choosing a power symbol (it's hilarious really I go around singing Ravel's Bolero to myself while visualing Torvill and Dean skating to Olympic gold in 1984! But it works). I have set my long term goal of returning to the ice after many years away. Pretty excited about it. I was in bed 2 days ago but now up and tottering around but I'm up!!!!! I'm feeling the pain and doing it anyway, I've scared myself and family enough this week.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Lexington. Visualizing Torvill and Dean skating is wonderful. I loved their magic on ice. Keep positive about returning to ice skating and it will happen.
There are some wonderful ice performance videos on Youtube you might look at to keep inspiring you.

Self pity? I don't think I have any of that. Sometimes self anger, that I am not as active as I would like to be, but I am now 85 and wonder how how active I am expected to be?
My darling dog keeps me busy, picking up after her poop. Maybe I don't feel back pain when doing that because I love her so much.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi any advice about self pity as a feeling/emotion? Is it one to feel or fight? I have had the feeling probably many millions of times in my life and I think it was something I did to self soothe as a child and teenager when parents were unavailable (which was mostly) and it's stuck and it makes me stuck. Thinking from an Alan Gordon perspective is this my inner child or my Inner Bully? As it can take on a negative/abusive tone and give you permission for not trying or giving up. Or is it a way I repress so as not to fully engage with emotions. I ask because I want to know how to respond - tell it to back off or give compassion?

My approach is to allow it, and be compassionate with it. It is not your Inner Bully, this self pity. But, you may find right along with the self pity, the superego or Inner Bully is attacking you for the experience of self pity. Sometimes the inner child and superego interact so quickly that we can be confused. If you really allow feeling sorry for yourself, there will be softening and love. If you are under attack for the "self pity" experience, tell that Inner Bully to "Back off!" The superego/Inner Bully is extremely reactive around needy, young, weak, or deficient states...

it's stuck and it makes me stuck
Allowing the self-pity, making friends with it is the way to become "unstuck."

I once had a teacher who said: Self pity may be the beginning of self-compassion...

 

[Lexington]

Thanks Andy that made me feel genuine sadness and makes so much sense and this is where I was going with it since I found TMS and thinking psychological, especially the part about the quick change between interaction of child and bully. I had been so quick to judge myself on it that it just felt part of who I am. I am starting to visualise other parts of 'me'. The inner child I relate now to a photo of myself at same age as my son is at the moment and the bully is a pecking bird I have to keep away from me and the child, because I do want (finally) to protect her. For the first time she is real, she has been calling to me for years and in many different ways and now finally I see and hear her. This might sound bonkers but this clarity is a massive relief to me. Before I just accepted the mad jumble of voices as the one thing in my head and the disequilibrium inside me that it caused. I am so grateful to have found this space and wishing everyone well in their own struggles.

 

[Lexington]

Hi Walt I just saw your post too. Yes I watch a lot of skating clips at the moment and they really inspire me, especially the accompanying music. I try to remember the sensation of speed and movement that is unlike moving in a car (although that can be amazing) it's the same in skiing, roller skating, skateboarding, theme park rides although I can't do those but I think it can be the same in any 'zone' or 'flow' activity such as cooking, knitting, dog walking, cake decorating etc. Smells have also helped my visualisation, ice and cold smell so clean, promising and neutral. Do you love the smell of your dog? I think I see from your other posts that you are deeply rooted in nature (fishing, outdoors in the US) so maybe the earthy smells are what you relate to? Thanks for replying.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I had been so quick to judge myself on it that it just felt part of who I am.

This is so true for us. Brilliant that you are discerning much more now.

The inner child I relate now to a photo of myself at same age as my son is at the moment and the bully is a pecking bird I have to keep away from me and the child, because I do want (finally) to protect her. For the first time she is real, she has been calling to me for years and in many different ways and now finally I see and hear her.

How wonderful. I have used this practice too, of having a picture of myself as a child. I love what you are writing, and how you are growing in your inner relationships! When we sometimes "thank TMS" for our growth, it is this kind of insight and self intimacy that I think of...