Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
Some of my friends here on the forum encouraged me to look deeper into my relationship with my sister. Every time I even think about her I get symptoms.
Finally, yesterday I wrote her an unsent letter. I’ve never written her an unsent letter. (This is a technique found in the structured educational program.) I know why I’ve never done it before —because it was really hard. And it revealed some things I’ve never really known. Some additional secrets I didn’t know before from therapy. (See underlined.) Plus, it released some of my emotions about it.
My sister and I were abused by my father. My mother took out all her rage about it on me, but favored my sister. My sister grew up to be a narcissist— which is a really abusive personality. I never wanted to see anything wrong with her because she was really the only support and comfort I had growing up—and even later.
It was so bad with my mom that I couldn’t even stuff the lies about how mean she was toward me. But I could stuff the lies about how mean my sister was toward me and how much it hurt that they had each other and I had no one.
Last night, I had some horrific symptoms. I was awake most of the night. Instead of being upset, which I sometimes am, I actually acknowledged that my body is releasing some of the trauma memories it has stored all these years. I said, “It’s OK, just go ahead.” It makes sense there’s a lot of trauma trying to come out now. I accepted it.
This morning, I have anxiety and dissociation. Dissociation is a miserable feeling where you feel detached from your body. It’s a survival skill that young children have for surviving abusive environments. I know this will pass in a day or two. I’ve had it before.
One step closer to healing. I know that ultimately, this is what “The Work” looks like. And I’m a veteran of it. Yet, I still avoid it like the plague.
But, I know the only way out is through.
Finally, yesterday I wrote her an unsent letter. I’ve never written her an unsent letter. (This is a technique found in the structured educational program.) I know why I’ve never done it before —because it was really hard. And it revealed some things I’ve never really known. Some additional secrets I didn’t know before from therapy. (See underlined.) Plus, it released some of my emotions about it.
My sister and I were abused by my father. My mother took out all her rage about it on me, but favored my sister. My sister grew up to be a narcissist— which is a really abusive personality. I never wanted to see anything wrong with her because she was really the only support and comfort I had growing up—and even later.
It was so bad with my mom that I couldn’t even stuff the lies about how mean she was toward me. But I could stuff the lies about how mean my sister was toward me and how much it hurt that they had each other and I had no one.
Last night, I had some horrific symptoms. I was awake most of the night. Instead of being upset, which I sometimes am, I actually acknowledged that my body is releasing some of the trauma memories it has stored all these years. I said, “It’s OK, just go ahead.” It makes sense there’s a lot of trauma trying to come out now. I accepted it.
This morning, I have anxiety and dissociation. Dissociation is a miserable feeling where you feel detached from your body. It’s a survival skill that young children have for surviving abusive environments. I know this will pass in a day or two. I’ve had it before.
One step closer to healing. I know that ultimately, this is what “The Work” looks like. And I’m a veteran of it. Yet, I still avoid it like the plague.
But, I know the only way out is through.
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— in a good way. Thank you for saying that! I was just starting to feel this huge remorse for sharing such deep ugly feelings with the world. For telling the truth out loud. Screaming the secrets on the Internet. There’s this saying in psychology: “you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep.” And that’s what makes me forge ahead.
