Cara
Peer Supporter
Do you think you are avoiding any part of this treatment? What emotions or past events do you think you may be repressing?
I'm having trouble with this repressing idea. I really don't think I'm hiding any secret trauma from myself. No, my childhood was not free from stress or drama, but it was not an abusive childhood. And I've been thinking and journaling about what I know did happen. But I'm not getting a bit better.
So this leaves me thinking three things. (1) My problem is not TMS. Seems unlikely, but I guess I'll find out for sure in a week when I finally see a doctor who knows about TMS. (2) It's caused entirely by current stressors which I am very aware of but cannot currently change. And I'm stressed about how trapped I am in my current situation--but I'm not repressing that. I know all about it. And I tell off my brain all of the time for dealing with it by causing me such pain. (3) I have lost hope. This is not the first injury I've had that multiple doctors and therapists were not able to help me with. There was the horrible stomach pain in college. There was the floppy leg in my early 30s. There was the sesamoiditis (went all the way to surgery on that one) in my mid-30s. It seems like cures do no exist. I cannot be fixed. Ever. That is partly why I was so excited to read about TMS: finally, an answer to why I have had multiple medical issues that didn't make any sense and that would not respond to treatment. Finally, an answer as to why doctors would give me an answer and then that wasn't the answer. Finally, someone (Dr. Sarno) who proposed that the problem was the doctors who were only looking for one thing each and not looking outside the box. And yet, while all of that made sense, TMS is not responding to the "treatment" at all either. I think I've hit a point of despair because nothing ever works. I know I'm only on day 23 here, but I've been doing this TMS thinking and reading since mid-July. I know that I'm not supposed to be counting, but I just went back and looked, and that's 8+ weeks and it's still getting slowly, slowly worse.
Sorry to whine. It's hard to have outcome independent thinking when the pain is really bad. I do care if it gets better because damn it, it's horrible.
I'm having trouble with this repressing idea. I really don't think I'm hiding any secret trauma from myself. No, my childhood was not free from stress or drama, but it was not an abusive childhood. And I've been thinking and journaling about what I know did happen. But I'm not getting a bit better.
So this leaves me thinking three things. (1) My problem is not TMS. Seems unlikely, but I guess I'll find out for sure in a week when I finally see a doctor who knows about TMS. (2) It's caused entirely by current stressors which I am very aware of but cannot currently change. And I'm stressed about how trapped I am in my current situation--but I'm not repressing that. I know all about it. And I tell off my brain all of the time for dealing with it by causing me such pain. (3) I have lost hope. This is not the first injury I've had that multiple doctors and therapists were not able to help me with. There was the horrible stomach pain in college. There was the floppy leg in my early 30s. There was the sesamoiditis (went all the way to surgery on that one) in my mid-30s. It seems like cures do no exist. I cannot be fixed. Ever. That is partly why I was so excited to read about TMS: finally, an answer to why I have had multiple medical issues that didn't make any sense and that would not respond to treatment. Finally, an answer as to why doctors would give me an answer and then that wasn't the answer. Finally, someone (Dr. Sarno) who proposed that the problem was the doctors who were only looking for one thing each and not looking outside the box. And yet, while all of that made sense, TMS is not responding to the "treatment" at all either. I think I've hit a point of despair because nothing ever works. I know I'm only on day 23 here, but I've been doing this TMS thinking and reading since mid-July. I know that I'm not supposed to be counting, but I just went back and looked, and that's 8+ weeks and it's still getting slowly, slowly worse.
Sorry to whine. It's hard to have outcome independent thinking when the pain is really bad. I do care if it gets better because damn it, it's horrible.
