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Day 23 What I'm avoiding

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Cara, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Cara

    Cara Peer Supporter

    Do you think you are avoiding any part of this treatment? What emotions or past events do you think you may be repressing?

    I'm having trouble with this repressing idea. I really don't think I'm hiding any secret trauma from myself. No, my childhood was not free from stress or drama, but it was not an abusive childhood. And I've been thinking and journaling about what I know did happen. But I'm not getting a bit better.

    So this leaves me thinking three things. (1) My problem is not TMS. Seems unlikely, but I guess I'll find out for sure in a week when I finally see a doctor who knows about TMS. (2) It's caused entirely by current stressors which I am very aware of but cannot currently change. And I'm stressed about how trapped I am in my current situation--but I'm not repressing that. I know all about it. And I tell off my brain all of the time for dealing with it by causing me such pain. (3) I have lost hope. This is not the first injury I've had that multiple doctors and therapists were not able to help me with. There was the horrible stomach pain in college. There was the floppy leg in my early 30s. There was the sesamoiditis (went all the way to surgery on that one) in my mid-30s. It seems like cures do no exist. I cannot be fixed. Ever. That is partly why I was so excited to read about TMS: finally, an answer to why I have had multiple medical issues that didn't make any sense and that would not respond to treatment. Finally, an answer as to why doctors would give me an answer and then that wasn't the answer. Finally, someone (Dr. Sarno) who proposed that the problem was the doctors who were only looking for one thing each and not looking outside the box. And yet, while all of that made sense, TMS is not responding to the "treatment" at all either. I think I've hit a point of despair because nothing ever works. I know I'm only on day 23 here, but I've been doing this TMS thinking and reading since mid-July. I know that I'm not supposed to be counting, but I just went back and looked, and that's 8+ weeks and it's still getting slowly, slowly worse.

    Sorry to whine. It's hard to have outcome independent thinking when the pain is really bad. I do care if it gets better because damn it, it's horrible.
  2. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

  3. Cara

    Cara Peer Supporter

    plum likes this.
  4. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Cara. It's going to help you a lot when you get a doctor's checkup. Then you will know if your pains are structural or from TMS emotions.
    Your post says to me that they are emotional and you know what those are. Feeling trapped in a stressful situation can cause TMS. You have to keep positive that there is light at the end of that tunnel. Keep busy, keep deep breathing, keep positive. Think of happier times with people you like or love.
    Cara likes this.
  5. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Cara, that is such a sweet thing to say. Thank you. It would be especially lovely to walk and talk in the place your avatar depicts. How idyllic that looks. We would talk about how good it is to be outside, surrounded by the majesty of gods creation and how we are a part of that. Wonderful really, and then we'd have a laugh at the various knots we tie ourselves into. A glass of wine would probably go down well, especially as dusk falls. We could lie by the stream and watch the twinkling stars appear.

    I know you know this already but if you give yourself a break on how quickly you heal it really makes a difference. It's the endless pushing and contorting that messes us up, and honestly it takes awhile for all the stuff about TMS to sink in. It took me ages to really understand and looking back it wasn't necessary. Those of us who are healing or healed try our best to explain how we got here but it is ridiculously tricky to do so. In the end it really is about accepting yourself and your life just the way it is, and then loving the hell out of it. The world responds to that in the most amazing way. You will get there. Everyone does eventually. And one day you'll find yourself reading the words of someone new to TMS and the forum, and you'll smile and you'll begin to write about how it will be ok...
    Cara likes this.
  6. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes! That's why I keep that quote from Jon Kabat-Zinn in my signature line. Whenever I forget this I can easily get lost in all the TMS theory and strategies.
    plum and Cara like this.
  7. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I love this:

    "In the end it really is about accepting yourself and your life just the way it is, and then loving the hell out of it. "

    Laughing at it also is a good thing.
    plum likes this.
  8. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Laughter is the best medicine of all. Much love to you Walt. xxx

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