What if the symptoms are the trauma?

[Soph1802]

Hi all

I’ve had TMS all my life. However, in 2020 I had a full breakdown and exceptionally dramatic medication withdrawal which led me to TMS work. I have been doing it for over 3 years now. I have healed many of my symptoms, but am stuck with Dysautonomia that I’m struggling to overcome. I fully believe that it is TMS. What I do struggle with is: a) that it isn’t doing long term damage to my body - I don’t believe it will kill me today, but I struggle to believe I could live with this until I’m 65 with no further issues as i’m totally debilitated, exhausted and overwhelmed at times and I’m only 32, and b) the time when I first had these symptoms was totally traumatising for me and these symptoms were the trauma. I was totally and utterly terrified of my body, hospitalised for days during Covid, totally alone, told it could be all sorts from tumours to aneurysms to MS, and had a full mental breakdown. I was not well, suicidal and totally lost. I have come a very long way, and broadly speaking, live a relatively normal life now, but I still have almost constant symptoms and I’m not happy in many ways. Objectively I should be: I have a wonderful partner, job, friends. But I am so afraid of and frustrated with my body, coupled with the exhaustion from it going on for so long, I have zero belief or motivation in my ability to overcome that fear and frustration to cure the TMS.

Now, I will caveat this by saying: yes, I do have childhood trauma. I am diagnosed with full on CPTSD. So I know this isn’t where it all started, and I’m working on it with my therapist. But i wasn’t diagnosed until after I got sick, and the way I see it, ‘getting sick’ is a whole other trauma for me, it added layers of CPTSD on top of the original CPTSD. It made it much stronger. And it went on for probably 18 months or longer before it stopped being truly traumatising. But the symptoms of CPTSD are holding me back from being able to recover from the TMS. The two are inextricably connected, and so to cure the TMS, I almost have to cure the CPTSD, because the latter brings with it hyper vigilance, obsession, a lack of safety, low self worth etc etc.

In this sense, my body is like another one of my abusers. It did the traumatising. And for me to change my relationship with it and stop fearing/hating it, I have to accept the trauma it caused me and realise that I am safe from that now. But how do I do that when I can’t get away from it, and the symptoms are still happening? And everyone says don’t think about, journal about or give attention to your symptoms. Ignore them etc. But I can’t - I think about them all of the time because they haunt me. That’s how trauma works. And I also don’t know how to work through that trauma without acknowledging and talking about the symptoms. Without diving into my relationship with them and how they have hurt me and totally disrupted my life. Because that what I have had to do with all of the other trauma I am working through. The only way out is through.

I guess I’m just confused and I feel really defeated. I really like Dan Ratner’s 3 columns approach to TMS work and have been working on building my columns. I’m hoping that some of the answers to this thread will help me fill in some of the gaps.

 

[miffybunny]

Hi @Soph1802 ,

It's great that you are using Dan' columns system, because it covers every aspect of the mb experience and it can help you to organize and obtain clarity. Since doubt is a smokescreen and a roadblock, and it's dominating the picture at this moment, it must be cleared out first before you move to the emotions columns. When the fear of symptoms are so high as you describe, and when ptsd or past traumas are activated in the present, it's a form of mega doubt. Those instances of activated trauma usually last a few minutes to a few hours and you have to sort of recognize when they are happening and ride it out. You also have to obliterate level 1 and 2 doubt as you are probably familiar with by now. So the doubt column only addresses the emotion of fear even then, secondary to our thoughts. That is a cognitive/intellectual endeavor of observing, articulating and countering each doubt mostly through logic and evidence. Once the doubt has shrunk enough and the fear has been reduced, you will start to see breaks in chronicity and a dialing down of intensity, and then you can move on to the emotions columns (identifying your emotional themes and how they were linked to the times of onset of symptoms). The emotions column is a warm up of sorts (the awareness part) for the power column which is emotions on steroids (the ones that connect to our core suffering self). The first column of emotions is linked to specific timing of onset of symptoms, and the function of the distraction strategy. Once you have left no stone unturned with your emotional themes (refer to his videos on that column), you can move to the power column which is about action...i.e., alleviating the distress we have about our whole experience of our life. Here, awareness is not enough. The goal is not to eliminate symptoms, it's to receive the communication of symptoms. They are a cry from the soul, so to speak...your emotions expressed through your body in the language of the body. Basically we have to stay where it hurts for a bit in this emotional column of power...having empathy for and accepting the fullness of your trauma...receiving the message about our history that we've always known, but haven't wanted to reckon with fully. It's literally a mourning process for the person you used to be before the traumas, and that will lead to self empathy and becoming more in alignment with yourself. If you can see that symptoms just mean that processing trauma is happening (without doubt or minimization of your experiences), if you can tolerate the painful part "through" and have it well organized, it won't take years...it should take a few months and symptom plateaus will fall by the wayside as a natural consequence as well. There's really nothing to cure or "fix". It's more a matter of gaining clarity, organization, and integrating and transforming these traumas into the wiser, more resilient, compassionate, person you are today. Coming to an understanding and caring about yourself will lead you to liking yourself and pursuing the life you want (and deserve!) and the things that really matter to you moving forward. Hope this helps!

 

[Cactusflower]

“In this sense, my body is like another one of my abusers.” - @miffybunny is so right on, that it is really your body crying out to attend to the deeper, deepest part of you.
One of my sets of symptoms has been cycles of dysautonomia. I personally have chosen to work with a physical therapist who recognizes that it takes time to gently get through these symptoms by taking me through movements that help me trust my body, to work through some of the fears. We are learning about this together.
Key things he has said: when your mind is fighting your body and you can’t accept and relax around symptoms, it is exhausting mentally and physically. This guy is so matter of fact: patients eventually feel less exhausted, but it takes time and is often a later symptom to resolve. Without understanding TMS, he recommends his clients see a what he calls a somatic therapist.
Time. It takes time. It can take a lot of time, or a little time. Worrying about eradicating the symptoms puts massive pressure and stress on your system, so you have to let it go and like Miffy says, work on the true suffering which is not in your body but in your mind and soul.

 

[Soph1802]

Hi @miffybunny and @Cactusflower

Wow, these are both very in depth and helpful responses thank you so much. There is a lot to unpack here so I will have to take some time thinking about it. I’m only just starting the columns so I need some more time to fully understand it and figure out what I need to put in each of mine. I need to set aside some time to do this I think. Thank you both again.
Can I ask one more thing, what do you then do about the fear of new symptoms that aren’t so black and white in terms of TMS? I’m thinking for example of arrythmias. I’m assuming this is about working through the fear as it isn’t a symptom I have right now, so it’s irrelevant?

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi @miffybunny and @Cactusflower
Can I ask one more thing, what do you then do about the fear of new symptoms that aren’t so black and white in terms of TMS? I’m thinking for example of arrythmias. I’m assuming this is about working through the fear as it isn’t a symptom I have right now, so it’s irrelevant?

“fearing” a symptom that is not yet present is actually worry. This is simply a part of anxiety. I still have this, especially in relation to other people’s symptom stories (someone mentions on this forum, the exact physical thing that triggered my symptoms). It’s your brain In fight/flight/freeze. It’s still trying to keep you frozen in fear because that is where it is viewing safety lays. This is all subconscious, but if you begin sending patterns, you’ll notice it happening. The most important thing to do is to notice.
You may simply be able to say to yourself “this is anxiety”, and let it go, or say “I’m safe in this moment” or, as author Claire Weekes suggest, watch these as thoughts that float by in the mind as clouds in the sky. They are just thoughts, not truths. Claire Weekes books are an amazing help with the anxiety, which it sounds like, you might not be fully aware of on all levels (neither was I!).
Take it slow. work on your columns remembering you can add to them over time (and subtract!).
A little every day.
I found reading one or two pages of Claire Weekes upon waking or sleeping incredibly helpful. They are easy, gentle books of profound truth.