Day 18 What emotions are most prevalent in your journal entries?

[MSZ812]

I've posted most of my journal entries to this forum, in hopes to get feedback or help others know that there are people who have the same issues. The most prevalent emotions for me are shame and anger.

I've felt shame for many years. I beat myself up over many things. I'm ashamed that I haven't found a good career yet. I'm ashamed that I'm still single. I'm ashamed of my body, as I've gained a good amount of weight during stressful periods of my life. I'm ashamed that I'm no longer physically able to do the things I used to enjoy before my chronic pain began. I'm working on loving myself more, being less critical, and reminding myself of the good things about me.

I've felt anger (unknowingly) for many years as well. It began with my parent's divorce. I've felt anger towards my father for splitting up our family, leaving me with the "man of the house" responsibility while still in high school. I've felt anger towards my best friend for betraying me and blaming me for something that he was responsible for. I've felt anger towards my former employers, who under appreciated my work and passed me up on many occasions for promotions and raises. I've felt anger towards my former college, who forced me to switch majors. And most importantly, I've been angry at myself for not living up to my potential.

- Matt

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Matt. You're letting your Inner Bully bombard you with anger and guilt. Tell it to take a jump in the lake or dive off a mountain. You are just going through what a lot of people are, including myself. I told you my back pain came from anger because my parents divorced when I was seven. Divorce is the new virus epidemic, and its ripple effect is causing a lot of people to have TMS pain.

You are angry at yourself for not finding the right career yet. You are not alone in that, too. I was thinking today, how the workplace has changed and is changing for many people.. supermarkets closing, department stores closing, newspapers downsizing or folding, cable and satellite services endangered because of streaming, etc. So many people losing their jobs. I write books for children and haven't sold a new one to any publisher in years. They just want books about vampires or paranormal and I write more wholesome stuff. A publisher of porn books says if I spice up one of my books she'd take it. Should I write porn? I'm tempted.

Just do the next thing... take the next job and it will lead to the right one for you. Try to put all the guilt and anger aside at least for the Easter/Hanukkah holiday and find peace.

Here's a suggestion... Make a short list of what career you would like, and maybe work in that career on the side, as a hobby, nights and weekends. Maybe it's in the arts, maybe coaching kids in sports, etc.

Do something that makes you happy.