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Were you adopted? I was...

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Irene, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. Irene

    Irene Peer Supporter


    I was adopted at 5 months old, into what was certainly a best-case scenario life. (I know that's not true for everyone.)

    What I'm realizing now as I work through the SEP on this site, as well as make use of the various recommended resources, is that even in the best-case scenario, since adoption is preceded by being relinquished, given up, and abandoned, attachment issues, along with perfectionism and fear, will likely follow, and TMS should be no surprise.

    So, for me, the attachment issues are going to be my focus. This was clarified for me last night while watching this video by Dr Gabor Mate:

    Perhaps you'll find it worthwhile. I know I did!

    Thanks for reading. Peace be with you!
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Irene. I'm glad the Mate video helps you. It and he are truly fantastic.

    I have friends who were adopted and they consider themselves very fortunate to be taken in
    by loving parents. I'm sure there are feelings of earlier abandonment, but it helps to wrap oneself
    in the love of the adopted parents.

    There seems to be a trend today in which those who were adopted search for their birth parents.
    This led to difficulties for friends who adopted a boy and girl who were abandoned at their birth.
    They found their birth mother and came to like and forgive her, but it changed things with their
    adoptive parents who then had to share their love with the woman who abandoned them.

    It's a hard choice.
  3. Irene

    Irene Peer Supporter

    Dr Mate speaks about an event in his life when he was two months old, which could be seen affecting his behavior when he was middle aged.

    Before I was born, in fact, almost as soon as I was conceived, the decision had been made to relinquish me. As soon as I was born, the papers were signed. For five months, I waited to be placed. I was raised with the explanation that my loving birth mother was in the process of a divorce and didn't want me raised in a broken home. (The story was not true, as I learned in my 30's, but you can imagine how I felt any time my adoptive parents had a disagreement.)

    My point is that no matter how loving the new family, the baby was given away, and this cannot be without impact. There are affects and consequences, both positive and negative.
  4. Birdie

    Birdie Peer Supporter

    Irene, I can totally rely on what you say. My mother died after my birth, I spent weeks in hospital, then was raised by my aount when my father finally decidied to marry again. So with 10 months I got my "third" mother. I am also struggling with abandonment and attachment issues for my whole life. Unfortunately my father was very cruel so there was further trauma on the top of severe attachment trauma
  5. Irene

    Irene Peer Supporter

    Wow! Birdie, you did have a rough start! I had a foster mother for five months, so you could say I had three mothers in a short period of time as well. I have no memory of the foster mother.

    It seems natural then that you would have TMS symptoms even had your father been a kind man. Being that he was not, even less surprising that you've suffered.

    What have you found most helpful in overcoming TMS?

    I've been helped a great deal by Dr Sarno's books, as well as Dr David Clarke's book. I'm using the Structured Educational Program now to learn more about myself and how to keep from getting derailed in the present by past events or misconceptions.

    Peace be with you!
  6. Forest

    Forest Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thanks for posting this, Irene. I hope you find the Structured Educational Program helpful. My girlfriend was adopted and the experience of loss has had a big effect on her life. My mother died when I was nine, and I suspect that our shared experience of loss helps us understand each other and relate to each other better. Both of our early lives were affected by the disruption of a vital attachment relationship.

    My experience was a little different in that my at a certain point in my life, I learned that my mother was sick and that she might not live to see my adulthood. Anxiety was a key feature to my TMS and one can definitely see how that experience would have taught me to be anxious.

    Another big factor for me was just not having a mother in my life for half of the time as I was growing up. Mothers teach us how to recognize our emotions and deal with them in a healthy manner - simply put, they teach us emotional intelligence. They also teach us self-esteem, a factor in many people's TMS. All of these things are still things I'm working on.

    In recovering from TMS, I mostly just read a bunch of success stories and slowly resumed physical activity. I keep doing the "TMS work" because it is valuable and I want to grow. I read contemporary psychology books and watch YouTube videos - people like Daniel Goleman, Martin Seligman, John Sarno, Howard Schubiner, Joseph Ledoux, and Rick Hanson - and I feel they all help me to better understand myself and my experience. It's a long journey for me, but very worthwhile.
    Ellen likes this.
  7. Irene

    Irene Peer Supporter

    Hello, and nice to meet you, Forest!

    My first, and definitely worst, TMS episode ended in surgery of the cervical spine, two levels fused, and a graft taken from my hip. That was in 1992. It was lesser events years later, and someone ordering Healing Back Pain for me about ten years ago, somewhat accidentally (it was an Amazon suggestion she tossed into the order), that led me to accept TMS for the current symptoms. The prior surgery was something so huge that I couldn't readily accept that that had actually been TMS. It's been just since I've been working the Structured Educational Program on this site for the last couple of weeks, that I put this together. In 1992, I searched for and found my birth mother. My symptoms peaked towards the end of the search. Later, when I was quite recovered, I met her. As stressful as all this was, how much worse it might have been had not my adopted family been as terrific as they are, through all my life, my search, my surgeries.

    (Later, I had two other surgeries, in which various and sundry organs were removed because they were not behaving, for reasons unknown. Whether these were about other issues or not, perhaps I'll discover as I continue the program.)
  8. lorrie

    lorrie New Member

    I'm adopted and adopted two daughters. R & I adopted the girls 16 years ago. I was insisting that I had suffered no ill effects from adoption. HAHAHAHAHA. Thank God I realized otherwise.
    Irene likes this.
  9. Irene

    Irene Peer Supporter

    Hello Lorrie! That's beautiful! And, it turns out it's okay to realize that adoption is not all roses. I thank God, too, for the realization, and for being adopted.

    (Is anyone else enjoying the chimes in the banner at the top of the page? )

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