Update

[jokeysmurf]

I just wanted to give an update on my TMS, my sternum and stomach pain is gone and has been gone since my last reply to the post.

I am doing some journaling and having some great insights. #1 lots of fear surrounding my early life, mostly around money and growing up in poverty. #2. Traumatic incidents in early life. Back to the money thing, a few years ago I got a new job that pays well. This was life changing for me and it has helped me address a lot of my issues around money insecurity and the deep rooted fear and how I bring that fear with me. I have been slowly shedding this fear. It has been with me not just in terms of not having money but mostly about feeling uncertainty and that being a huge trigger for fear. Uncertainty in almost any circumstance. It also popped up in feeling insecure about what I had to offer in terms of relationships and being able to provide and feeling secure about myself. I have been working on feeling that I deserve this and I am embracing it. For the first time I felt some kind of privilege.

What I am actively doing has been really beneficial. I like to give to people in need, that makes me feel good. I don't just mean that I am giving money, but also time and effort volunteer work.

So my TMS still pops up. I will notice bracing happening in my body. I will have tension in my back. It's largely due to trying to feel settled in my job while learning the position. As in many jobs, I run into people who give off the vibe that I took their job or that I am undeserving of my position. I work through it as much as I can and don't hold on to the negativity. Still the back will tense up. In the morning I will wake up with tense back muscles.

One morning, while still in bed and kind of half asleep, I was noticing the tension and asking myself what it was that I needed. I could feel the emotion that came up was that I felt uncertain in my job and whether I was doing it well enough to deserve it. I know this is normal and I know in time I will come to accept that I am doing a good job and do deserve it.

I have also been practicing something around this idea that I have blocked qi. I am slowly doing things that feel like they are awakening my inner qi. This energy and flow. The more I hold onto things (negative emotions) they really feel like they suck the life out of me. I have noticed that I have been avoiding doing exercise a lot, I often feel tremendous laziness and or avoidance to working out (something I used to enjoy). Even the very thought of it brings a feeling of dread. I decided that challenging this in a harsh way wouldn't be productive. So I am easing into it. Starting with walks on the treadmill or doing chores around the house that I enjoy, like chopping wood and mowing and weeding. Still for some reason that strong feeling of protest feels related to this tiredness. I feel amazing after I do something - but I have to be careful and not overdo it. I am thinking that I should maybe also incorporate more yoga in my life for starters.

I have some more work to do, but I feel something positive in all this. That I have an opportunity to awaken this in me.

Thoughts or comments are welcome.

 

[Joulegirl]

You are doing great! From what I understand TMS can pop up depending on our emotional state. The fact that we know about TMS now means we won't freak out about as much and run down the medical rabbit hole again. Journaling is such a big part of healing-it's helped me as well. Keep up the good work!

 

[Cactusflower]

@jokeysmurf
Just an observation, but as you work though your fears(excellently, I might add) do you think of it as a symptom that has shifted: eg resistance to exercise? Is the resistance a form of fear, of just plain old resistance?
I kind of think of “plain old” resistance as the subconscious throwing a temper tantrum (you can’t make me, na na na na na na…). But then again we sometimes we can mask fear as resistance too.
Just wondering…

 

[jokeysmurf]

@jokeysmurf
Just an observation, but as you work though your fears(excellently, I might add) do you think of it as a symptom that has shifted: eg resistance to exercise? Is the resistance a form of fear, of just plain old resistance?
I kind of think of “plain old” resistance as the subconscious throwing a temper tantrum (you can’t make me, na na na na na na…). But then again we sometimes we can mask fear as resistance too.
Just wondering…

That's a good question and I am trying to sort it out. It feels like a mixed bag, sometimes plain old resistance other times a form of fear. When it's fear it shows up kind of harsh after the work out, like regular soreness coupled with this feeling that I got hit by a car, like exaggerated soreness.

When I had peak TMS my symptoms were pretty off the charts and one of the things I struggled with was getting back into shape and I would get wiped out very easily and had to nap during the day after exercises or even short-ish hikes. I still tried to live my life and go out with friends on trips but I always had to get in a nap or I would be lethargic the rest of the day. This had been getting progressively better over years I will say. This job allowed me the ability to take longer amounts of rests. In the beginning it felt amazing to not have to constantly do manual labor (something I grew up doing to earn money) all the time. Now it feels like I learned a bad habit, to lay around and relax too much, like the scales have tipped into territory of no longer just healing my nervous system but impeding things. Something in my inner being craves what I used to do.

Anyway, I am actively working at challenging that feeling when it feels right to do so and slowly upping the ante. Small silly things that add up, like going for a walk when I get invited to do so but I don't really feel like it. Afterward I am glad I went but in the moment I don't want to. So I take this as a sign that in those moments it's "plain old" resistance. Other times, I have fear. I was invited to go on a backpacking trip, and this was something I used to love to do before serious TMS. But my last trip was super hard. It was nearly 100*, 9 miles to a lake and I got some really bad IBS on the way up - no accidents happening just lots of tension in my gut and feeling dizzy. My body was in serious fear about the heat and the strenuousness, this would have been a total non issue before. So, that's a challenge and things that push into strenuous activity I still have a hard time dealing with after and up to some days. I tried getting back into shape last summer and started running and around day 9 my back went out on me and I had a hard time walking up right for like 3 days. I restarted a week later and these patterns keep happening. So I am a little stuck and yes the back pain was 100% an overreaction but it still hurt and still sucked. Even on days when I don't do anything strenuous my back will want to lock up just from squatting for like 4 mins.

So this is where I am - a mixed bag.

 

[Cactusflower]

I get you.
I'm still challenging myself physically, and frankly, it is up and down and often doesn't seem to make any sense. The good thing about it not making sense is that I tried to stop making sense of it
I do "grandma squats". Basically with 3 lb weights held over my shoulders I sit into a chair and get up focusing on a bit of gripping of the feet with weight into the heels so I get those hamstrings activated. I do three sets of 10. When I could deal with that I was able to start moving my arms as I stood up, and can hold them out to about an 80 degree angle overhead and in front of me.
I do a different set of weights standing, with a single 5 lb weight (I am ready to move up in weight) pushing it out in front of me and then bringing it up and down in front of me to get the upper back and abdominals engaged. I still keep weight in my heels.
Some days I feel "it" some days less of it. I'm ready to start single leg balance and rotational stuff while holding a weight but will move back down to 2lbs for this one for awhile. It really is just repeat and get your brain to realize you are simply just fine. Fear will get thrown up, and now I don't even challenge the fear. It is simply a thought and I let it hang out and start busying myself with other things.
Two weeks ago I was in Oregon walking up slippery rocky, wet and hilly paths to see waterfalls.
Last week I felt like I did about a year and a half ago.
No rhyme or reason.
The ups and downs are just part of the game. I know you are MUCH more fit (and can lift more than my grandma weights) than I am, but just keep going. I mix in a lot of non-"Excercise" movement - walking several miles a day and challenging the sensory stuff like doing it if I'm hot, doing it if I'm cold, uneven pavement or surfaces, up or down hills and inclines. The sensory stuff is all just the nervous system - I've decided to treat it like it's "offgassing". Instead of worrying that it's getting "worse" I picture it letting stuff go. Just like you are letting the emotional stuff go, the body will let stuff go.

 

[Diana-M]

cactus, that’s impressive with your weight building! How did you set up a routine? Is it something I could try?

Last week I felt like I did about a year and a half ago. No rhyme or reason.
The ups and downs are just part of the game.

I’m sorry you went through this. But it’s also good to know that it just happens— to people who are almost better, like you. Maybe we could all just roll through this easier. Float, as Claire Weekes says.

I've decided to treat it like it's "offgassing". Instead of worrying that it's getting "worse" I picture it letting stuff go. Just like you are letting the emotional stuff go, the body will let stuff go.

I really like this thought. It does seem like the body shakes things off— especially as your nervous system is healing. Sometimes my body will just shake (tremor) for no reason, but it does it less and less often. It makes sense it would shake things off in multiple ways.

 

[jokeysmurf]

@Cactusflower , I have been there one time before for sure when I felt much worse but I was certainly pushing myself too hard physically but I was working less. Now I'm working more and doing less physically. But what I am getting from what you wrote feels comparable to me, in essence it relays that you should listen to your body and that old ways of doing things don't always serve us equally at all points of our life. I used to be able to do heavy-ish shoulder presses but now I feel compelled to do body weight exercises and move my spine around.

Thanks again for your response and framing things really well.

 

[Cactusflower]

Last week I had days I felt like crap! Pain but mostly the “dysautonomia” type of symptoms.., and today I just did an intermediate level 3 mile mountain hike in Palm Springs on rock and sand. For the last 10 years or so dealing with anything less stable than hard packed dirt was impossible for me. I also need breaks during my day to get off my feet (in firm seats).. but today that wasn’t a negotiable! We ended the day standing for a few hours to watch the holiday parade. I’m exhausted! Interested to see what the old nervous system and body decides to do next week back home from vacation (before more vacation!). I suspect it will be just fine without the old symptoms popping up.
I used to focus on mainly my physique. Pilates, TRX, cycle, walk, resistance, swim… as a dancer it’s been hard to keep lythe through the symptoms and age. Hiking seems to hit a lot of good points for me while keeping my mind focused on the task at hand (not fall off a cliff!)

 

[jokeysmurf]

@Cactusflower I have been thinking about what you called "gassing off" and it has been helping when I do exercise. I have also been addressing my resistance to things aka deep laziness and I think it's an emotional conflict. I have journaled about it - I have internal fear/pressure of not doing enough at times - not always but it's there. Relaxing and doing nothing usually feels like a reward but also there is a certain amount of fear embedded at times where I feel like I could be more productive. What I have been doing is to start with small tasks instead and that has been very helpful. If there is some big home project that is looming over my head I will first just spend time in the environment or area first to associate it with calmness. For example there was a tree I needed to cut down for a while and I felt a lot of resistance to it so I spent time outside near it with the dog, had coffee outside and just kept coming back, then I decided to take small limbs off and clean up around and it helped alot.

Since doing that I decided to do some more walks and I have actually been jogging again. I can go about 2 to 2.5 miles at a slow pace. When I get back I either feel great and ready to take on the world or I will get that gassing off thing where the rest of my body will start to hurt in an exaggerated way. The good feeling is relatively new, so I think this is a good sign. Then the next day I will just walk instead of run. This is helping to break this cycle and association as well.

The main concern right now is that my lower back is super tight. I searched the internet and found that it's definitely due to a tight pelvic muscles, mainly my psoas and quadratus lumborum. I have been doing stretches and its helping but it goes right back into holding tight. In fact I can feel that part of my lower back is holding or bracing most of the time now. No wonder it's so tight. I wasn't even aware of it until I started investigating this. So, there is definitely some anxiety or fear there where I am bracing unconsciously. I hope that with enough stretching and mindfulness I can start sending messages of safety. I just thought I was getting old and my back was giving out but this muscle is working all day no wonder bending down for a min locks it up, it's already tired.

I think breathe work is going to be at the top of my list through the day since i cant just be stretching all the time.

 

[Cactusflower]

@jokeysmurf
You are doing an amazing job uncovering stress habits and behaviors.
Since you can focus on the psychological, I’ll give you two more pointers my PT suggests that are somatically inclined.
When breathing, approach it multiple ways. Some simply to slow down and get that relaxation response with slow exhales. For active breathing, eg. Before and eventually during stretching, focus on ribs down during the exhale and breathing “into your back” - expanding the mid back (behind solar plexus) on inhale. Still slow the exhale. It can take weeks/months/ even years to get consistent with this.
Stretching is done one, at most 2 times a day for a max of 20 minutes including the active breathing. You might also try squatting (not deeply) back against the wall, hands forward reaching on a chair and breathing into the back, ribs down long exhale. None of this is for anything really physical. The goal is simply to remind your body that relaxation is ribs down and to breathe and that reaching forward aids this. It helps take your body out of fight/flight habits. Think about your heels while doing this (clears the mind to have a focus). 5 breaths, 5 reps. Slowly. I started by listening to a relaxation track called Flying which is a) at a relaxation hertz and b) timed really nicely for relaxing breathing. (It’s on YouTube and Insight Timer). You are merely retraining the psychological habits that show up physically as we hold tension - reminding the body to unwind. None of this has removed my body tension, it just helps you to do the things Sarno asks us to focus on: confront the psychological, confront fear to move freely.
It may or may not be of benefit to you, but it helps me notice when I need to slow down more. I move after doing this: like you - a few miles or a workout. Like you I also find sitting in stillness hard. That’s why I made a quiet space for art, crafting and writing which is relaxing for me. Perhaps you can find relaxation in a “meaningless” activity or in a kindness based practice of making things to give away (I give my things anonymously in Little Libraries or Seed Libraries).

 

[jokeysmurf]

@Cactusflower , thanks just being mindful is helping already with my tightness of my back. It's a small thing but even if I wake in the middle of the night I check with my lowerback and I can feel many times that I am in fact holding the pelvis forward in a tight position. Last night I spent about 30 mins or more just catching myself and sending my breath toward my pelvis and relaxing just enough. When I finally got up and went to feed the dogs and bent down It was noticeably more relaxed and way less tight and less tired. Normally, just bending down to get the dog food scoop from inside the bin, would send a very pronounced ache and tension into my back.

I will read over what you wrote about the exercises carefully. Thank you.

Right now the thing I am enjoying is taking coloring book pages and applying ideas of color theory to make them moody. It's fun. I make up lighting scenarios where I think the raking light would come in and draw them out very lightly and then color in. It's something I taught students a long time ago to get them to understand color theory.

Thanks for all the great information. I am feeling more positive at the direction I am headed. I know it's still quite a bit of work involved but I feel like befriending my own body is worth it.