Day 25 Update

[Rajput21]

Before you start the activities today take a short minute and write a forum post on how you are doing so far, and what apprehensions you may have about this treatment or your life in general.
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So far I've been doing great. I've had a few weeks off, between my internship and the dreaded start of another semester. I've spent time with a lot of friends, and it's been great for me. I ended up not even noticing that I have a back for huge stretches of time. It's been like a flow state of happiness for me. It's something I rarely have in NY and it's been great.

I've noticed however, as I start preparing for school, that procrastination is a big problem for me in the beginning. Those initial few days of setting my study habits are often hard to get into. A lot of times, I end up with the semester already starting and behind in my work. This is where the pain gets bad, because it's a terrible idea to get behind in law school. The readings are enormously time consuming and it's nearly impossible to catch up on work. Once the pressure mounts, that's where I get into a negative state of mind and the pain starts to dominate.

Clearly I am aware of this, but that's the kicker with procrastination: you know what needs to be done but you delay doing it. I try to remind myself of what is at stake and what can happen if I allow myself to fall behind. I broke down my reading assignments in order of difficulty, and I've started with the lighter tasks. I figure if I can get some quick, easy wins under my belt, then the habits will start to set and I can get back into a state of discipline.

Also worth noting, is that the weight is still melting off. That's despite four days of going out and more drinking than I've been used to in years. Although in this case, I think it was 'constructive drinking' and not avoiding reality through an altered state of mind. I kind of chuckled as I wrote that because it kind of sounds like the kind of thing an alcoholic might say to himself. (Obviously not the case here though.)

There hasn't really been any back pain in a few weeks. Only some tension and slight discomfort while reading though, which is okay. I think I could work on affirmations a bit more also.

 

[Becca]

There hasn't really been any back pain in a few weeks. Only some tension and slight discomfort while reading though, which is okay. I think I could work on affirmations a bit more also.

I have to say, I smiled when I read that at the bottom...oh, you know, you're only making insane amounts of progress...you haven't had really significant back pain for a few weeks...no biggie.....

THIS IS AMAZING!!! Think about where you were when you first started. Look at where you are now. What an incredible journey you've been on. And it's all you -- all this progress, all this work, no one else did that. You did. Start owning it. Let yourself feel that pride -- I mean, really feel it. Others can tell you they're proud of you, and that feels great. But there's nothing like having that feeling come from inside yourself. It's a powerful, powerful thing, self-belief.

I have a lot of trouble telling myself positive things. I also have difficulty taking compliments. Other people tell me I'm a good writer. I say it's because I went to a good school. Other people tell me I'm strong. I say that anyone else in my situation would do what I do. Other people tell me I'm smart. All I can think of are the papers I didn't hand in on time, the moments in class I completely missed the point or said something totally idiotic, that I didn't really deserve that A on my paper and what was my professor thinking? The list goes on and on. I think of all the ways that these good things about myself aren't really that good. I know it's unhealthy, but it's also protective. I am always scared that if I let myself fully believe these good things, I'm not preparing myself for if I fail.

I wrote all this because I wanted to let you know that I get it. It's not as easy as it seems to believe all the good stuff other people tell you. But recently I was able to finally believe something good about myself, not because someone else said it, but because I felt it, really felt it in myself. And it was the most incredible thing. I didn't feel unprotected at all. In fact, I felt stronger.

So this is me telling you that it's worth it to take time to feel that pride. Don't wait until you're 100% pain-free. Do it now. It won't jinx anything - it won't set your progress back, it won't alert the pain ("His guard is down, go go go!"). It will make you that much stronger.

 

[Becca]

...as for procrastination - if you find a solution, can you send it my way?

 

[Rajput21]

Thanks Becca! I'm totally eating up all of your positive energy.

I'm the same way, with accepting compliments or feeling prideful. It seems like I go to great lengths to play devil's advocate with my positive emotions. That is something I'm definitely working on! I'll take your advice and think of things that I'm proud of myself for. Even today, for the first time I actually journaled about positive emotions, which was really nice.