Jules
Well known member
Hello, TMS Wiki Forum Members (whew),
It's been nearly two years since I posted (I've been a member for eight and healed from decades of chronic pain), and boy-oh-boy, has TMS reared its ugly (well, protective) head!
Warning: Long
Here's the story: Nine months ago, my 82-year-old father left my mother of 52 years. This wasn't surprising, as he did so two years before. (she's a narcissist & abuser) He couldn't handle it anymore, and I had told him if it got bad again, he could live with me and my husband. They were in Tennessee at the time, me in Utah.
My father asked if the offer was still available, and I told him of course. However, my mother freaked and thought she would die if she were left there alone. (they were living in my brother and SIL's AirBnB) So, she came up, but no one could or would take her, so we put her in a retirement center about 20 minutes away, knowing she would need more care than what she kept telling us she needed. (wanted to stay in an apartment) The retirement center we all chose (her included) had all kinds of amenities. They offered all meals, housekeeping, van service to appointments, stores, etc., and remodeled the whole place.
Before my mother came, a month later, my father, siblings, spouses, and my father decorated, set up all her furniture, and got her ready to move in. This was in February of this year. We thought she would be taken care of, but it got to the point where my father had to borrow our car nearly every day to do something for her. She was also sick, in pain, couldn't walk, etc., and my dad would have to come and take the dog out and get her food because she wouldn't go to the dining room without the dog. (not allowed)
So, my mother lost a ton of weight (nearly 80 lbs in less than a year). She just didn't want to eat. So, we were concerned and took her to the doctor to see what was happening. She does have pulmonary fibrosis, congestive heart failure, peripheral arterial disease, fibro (TMS), IC (interstitial cystitis, aka, TMS), and other elusive diseases. The doctor thought she was just being stubborn, and my father, the caregiver he always is, said he would watch the dog while she got food. This went on for weeks, but every evening, my father would come home drained and even sick. She made him take her to numerous appointments because she refused to use the van service.
I told her several times about TMS, but she didn't want to do the work. Anyway, she has used my father for everything she needs, and my father comes home exhausted from being there all day. I had to put my foot down and tell her he could only use the car once a week. She wasn't happy but accepted it. However, a week later, she got dentures, having to get five teeth out. My father stayed for nearly a week. Then, a month later, she tried getting off her opioid cold turkey and ended up in the ER. She accused my father of attempting to poison her and the doctor trying to kill her.
She was in the hospital the whole day, and once the doctor determined it was just withdrawal, they sent her home. Not more than a week later, I took her to the vascular center to check the arteries in her legs to see why they hurt badly. Well, in the middle of doing the sonogram, the PA laid her down to check her stomach arteries, and as soon as he pulled her back up, she passed out. She then started slurring her words. He did it again and once again passed out, so they rushed her to the ER, thankfully right down the hall, thinking she was having a stroke. (it was a mini one)
She was in the hospital for six days with high blood pressure, dizziness, and not being able to function. Then, they moved her to rehab for her dizziness, congestive heart failure, speech therapy, and what is probably POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Anyway, my father and I visited her numerous times during this whole time. I bought her new clothes, purchased flower bouquets, cared for her dog at our home for three weeks, and on and on.
Aaaaaaaannnnnddddd ..... my TMS has come back big-time! I also lost my job a few months ago and am trying to find a new one on top of caring for my mother and father. My sister had back surgery, and her husband had cancer treatment. My brother is raising his grandson and works six days a week, so they couldn't/can't help.
I never expected to be taking care of both parents, and I am angry at both of them because they couldn't make it work, and we kids have been put in the middle. My mother commands attention and cannot let my father enjoy his life, so I'm trying to protect him, and sometimes, it doesn't work.
I'm trying to figure out how to deal with her narcissism and his stubbornness because she keeps reeling him in, and he feels obligated to her. He also had a heart attack several years ago and has five stents in his heart. Well, she came home a week ago, and suddenly, after being in rehab and doing great, she's back to the same thing. I thought maybe it was her bed because when she lay flat, the blood pooled in her legs. She also has reflux that makes her gag constantly.
So, we siblings pitched in for a new adjustable bed that arrives tomorrow.
However, I feel this will not end until she leaves this earth, and in the meantime, she is draining both me and my father. I need a break, but I also need to figure out how to deal with my new normal with TMS and not let it consume me. I understand my mother needs to process this separation and accept her new reality without my father. (she keeps begging him to come back)
In the meantime, I am stuck in the middle - AGAIN - and I am enraged, to put it mildly, but you can't reason with a narcissist, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and the tension is palpable.
I feel trapped and like I have no choice but to care for her.
Ideas, thoughts, or just support would be appreciated!
It's been nearly two years since I posted (I've been a member for eight and healed from decades of chronic pain), and boy-oh-boy, has TMS reared its ugly (well, protective) head!
Warning: Long
Here's the story: Nine months ago, my 82-year-old father left my mother of 52 years. This wasn't surprising, as he did so two years before. (she's a narcissist & abuser) He couldn't handle it anymore, and I had told him if it got bad again, he could live with me and my husband. They were in Tennessee at the time, me in Utah.
My father asked if the offer was still available, and I told him of course. However, my mother freaked and thought she would die if she were left there alone. (they were living in my brother and SIL's AirBnB) So, she came up, but no one could or would take her, so we put her in a retirement center about 20 minutes away, knowing she would need more care than what she kept telling us she needed. (wanted to stay in an apartment) The retirement center we all chose (her included) had all kinds of amenities. They offered all meals, housekeeping, van service to appointments, stores, etc., and remodeled the whole place.
Before my mother came, a month later, my father, siblings, spouses, and my father decorated, set up all her furniture, and got her ready to move in. This was in February of this year. We thought she would be taken care of, but it got to the point where my father had to borrow our car nearly every day to do something for her. She was also sick, in pain, couldn't walk, etc., and my dad would have to come and take the dog out and get her food because she wouldn't go to the dining room without the dog. (not allowed)
So, my mother lost a ton of weight (nearly 80 lbs in less than a year). She just didn't want to eat. So, we were concerned and took her to the doctor to see what was happening. She does have pulmonary fibrosis, congestive heart failure, peripheral arterial disease, fibro (TMS), IC (interstitial cystitis, aka, TMS), and other elusive diseases. The doctor thought she was just being stubborn, and my father, the caregiver he always is, said he would watch the dog while she got food. This went on for weeks, but every evening, my father would come home drained and even sick. She made him take her to numerous appointments because she refused to use the van service.
I told her several times about TMS, but she didn't want to do the work. Anyway, she has used my father for everything she needs, and my father comes home exhausted from being there all day. I had to put my foot down and tell her he could only use the car once a week. She wasn't happy but accepted it. However, a week later, she got dentures, having to get five teeth out. My father stayed for nearly a week. Then, a month later, she tried getting off her opioid cold turkey and ended up in the ER. She accused my father of attempting to poison her and the doctor trying to kill her.
She was in the hospital the whole day, and once the doctor determined it was just withdrawal, they sent her home. Not more than a week later, I took her to the vascular center to check the arteries in her legs to see why they hurt badly. Well, in the middle of doing the sonogram, the PA laid her down to check her stomach arteries, and as soon as he pulled her back up, she passed out. She then started slurring her words. He did it again and once again passed out, so they rushed her to the ER, thankfully right down the hall, thinking she was having a stroke. (it was a mini one)
She was in the hospital for six days with high blood pressure, dizziness, and not being able to function. Then, they moved her to rehab for her dizziness, congestive heart failure, speech therapy, and what is probably POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Anyway, my father and I visited her numerous times during this whole time. I bought her new clothes, purchased flower bouquets, cared for her dog at our home for three weeks, and on and on.
Aaaaaaaannnnnddddd ..... my TMS has come back big-time! I also lost my job a few months ago and am trying to find a new one on top of caring for my mother and father. My sister had back surgery, and her husband had cancer treatment. My brother is raising his grandson and works six days a week, so they couldn't/can't help.
I never expected to be taking care of both parents, and I am angry at both of them because they couldn't make it work, and we kids have been put in the middle. My mother commands attention and cannot let my father enjoy his life, so I'm trying to protect him, and sometimes, it doesn't work.
I'm trying to figure out how to deal with her narcissism and his stubbornness because she keeps reeling him in, and he feels obligated to her. He also had a heart attack several years ago and has five stents in his heart. Well, she came home a week ago, and suddenly, after being in rehab and doing great, she's back to the same thing. I thought maybe it was her bed because when she lay flat, the blood pooled in her legs. She also has reflux that makes her gag constantly.
So, we siblings pitched in for a new adjustable bed that arrives tomorrow.
However, I feel this will not end until she leaves this earth, and in the meantime, she is draining both me and my father. I need a break, but I also need to figure out how to deal with my new normal with TMS and not let it consume me. I understand my mother needs to process this separation and accept her new reality without my father. (she keeps begging him to come back)
In the meantime, I am stuck in the middle - AGAIN - and I am enraged, to put it mildly, but you can't reason with a narcissist, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and the tension is palpable.
I feel trapped and like I have no choice but to care for her.
Ideas, thoughts, or just support would be appreciated!
