Unwanted / Undesired Sex and TMS

[camera]

I noticed many years ago that some of my symptoms would flare up when I had sexual encounters with someone I wasn't attracted to and had no desire for. I kept trying to brush off the connection between the symptoms and the physical exposure. (I did make some goodism excuses in the beginning)

When it happened recently, I've found it hard to ignore the connection. I've felt really horrible feelings in my body since then and worse sensations when I'm around him. I'm still not sure if this is all coincidence. I'm irritable, feel a sort of suffocated rage that I can't get out, feel like I can't breathe deeply, feel like snapping at the sight and sound of his voice and mannerisms (kind of like an irritability that overcomes my body), feel a sort of floaty, numb, skin-crawly sensation in parts of my body that lead to a general sense of discomfort and a general feeling that I can't feel relaxed in my body. Also, twitchiness associated with that inability to relax my body. I've also been procrastinating a lot and having trouble doing what I need to do. In the past, I used to feel irritability after it happened, including extreme heightened sensitivities to sound that could lead me into a rage so painful that it felt uncontrollable.

I tried doing a search to see if there was anything in these forums on sex and found nothing. Would love any thoughts on this. Also, I live with him and would love to leave and live some fantasy of a wonderful life, but I don't have anywhere to go, and I'm dependent on him to watch out for me due to health problems and low income.

 

[sbmumford]

Wow, that's a tough one. It sounds like the first problem is figuring out how to leave a toxic relationship, or there's no firm base/safe space for healing. Your dependency isn't doing you any good; at least it doesn't sound like his watching out for you is worth the anger it's generating on your part.

 

[untangledweb]

I noticed many years ago that some of my symptoms would flare up when I had sexual encounters with someone I wasn't attracted to and had no desire for. I kept trying to brush off the connection between the symptoms and the physical exposure. (I did make some goodism excuses in the beginning)

When it happened recently, I've found it hard to ignore the connection. I've felt really horrible feelings in my body since then and worse sensations when I'm around him. I'm still not sure if this is all coincidence. I'm irritable, feel a sort of suffocated rage that I can't get out, feel like I can't breathe deeply, feel like snapping at the sight and sound of his voice and mannerisms (kind of like an irritability that overcomes my body), feel a sort of floaty, numb, skin-crawly sensation in parts of my body that lead to a general sense of discomfort and a general feeling that I can't feel relaxed in my body. Also, twitchiness associated with that inability to relax my body. I've also been procrastinating a lot and having trouble doing what I need to do. In the past, I used to feel irritability after it happened, including extreme heightened sensitivities to sound that could lead me into a rage so painful that it felt uncontrollable.

I tried doing a search to see if there was anything in these forums on sex and found nothing. Would love any thoughts on this. Also, I live with him and would love to leave and live some fantasy of a wonderful life, but I don't have anywhere to go, and I'm dependent on him to watch out for me due to health problems and low income.

I know all about this. Please PM me. It’s a long story, but one I think will give you some perspective

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Untangledweb,

I think it is great that you're making this connection. Yes, the difference between how we behave and how we really feel down deep creates the "Tension" in TMS. I think this is especially true in sexual behaviors, because it is vulnerable, intimate, and entails a desire to "being loved." On top of that you have basic survival conflicts between what you would choose from your heart vs what you perceive you need to do for life support.

The first step is making the connections, as you're doing. A huge amount of TMS healing can be done with simple awareness of how the symptoms are related to emotional reality, rather than thinking symptoms are physically caused. This is the basic work, and you're doing it!

If life changes come about, it will be with time and love for your life.

Andy B

 

[untangledweb]

Hi Untangledweb,

I think it is great that you're making this connection. Yes, the difference between how we behave and how we really feel down deep creates the "Tension" in TMS. I think this is especially true in sexual behaviors, because it is vulnerable, intimate, and entails a desire to "being loved." On top of that you have basic survival conflicts between what you would choose from your heart vs what you perceive you need to do for life support.

The first step is making the connections, as you're doing. A huge amount of TMS healing can be done with simple awareness of how the symptoms are related to emotional reality, rather than thinking symptoms are physically caused. This is the basic work, and you're doing it!

If life changes come about, it will be with time and love for your life.

Andy B

It’s interesting. I would look back on my past and not be able to make the emotional connections and pain. Actually, I would look back on my past and not be able to remember very much of it in any detail it all. I don’t think I was present for it.
When I was dating my ex-husband, I got in a small accident and was hit on the driver side. A day or two later I woke up with the worst migraine ever. I have never had migraines before that. I was certain that it was a car accident and if I could just go to a chiropractor and get my neck adjusted, I’d be fine, but I wasn’t. I did everything up to and including surgery on my neck trying to find some relief. There wasn’t any. The symptoms also started getting worse and worse when I was around my ex-husband. They started getting worse throughout the day, when I was at work and went intensify right before I went home to see him. He liked to go away for romantic weekends and as soon as I would get in the truck with him the pain would start and be blinding. I had to pretend like nothing was wrong because by then he was picking up on the connection, pop a couple Sudafed‘s, I think that was it at the time, and go on like it was nothing.
In hindsight and in really connecting TMS pain and situations of my past, I have finally been able to connect the dots.
When I was in the car accident and hit from the side, I smacked my head on the window. That threw me back into my childhood, where abuse would be being unexpectedly slamed sideways into the wall and my head hitting the wall. I knew I was in trouble and I had no idea what I did.
I tryed to always stay away from men that reminded me of my father. I thought my ex-husband was one of those men when in all actuality he had the same energy of my father. I hated to go anywhere with my father, especially if it was a vacation.
I still have a bit of vacation anxiety to this day. I’m going to California to dog sit at the end of July. After I made that commitment a couple months ago, a lot of weird painful things started coming up. At first, I thought it was just the “fear of commitment”. Afraid some weird pain thing would come up and I wouldn’t be able to do it. Now, I think that it has to do with the whole weird TMS stress/pain cycle.
If you have any suggestions I’d appreciate it.
Sorry about the ramble

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi untangledweb,

It seems to me you're really onto the how and why of the onset of the migraines. This is a huge piece in itself, and begins to undermine the need for symptoms --because you're seeing the real cause. Continuing this inquiry into your upcoming vacation should be fruitful!

Andy B

 

[camera]

Wow, that's a tough one. It sounds like the first problem is figuring out how to leave a toxic relationship, or there's no firm base/safe space for healing. Your dependency isn't doing you any good; at least it doesn't sound like his watching out for you is worth the anger it's generating on your part.

Yes, I've thought that as well. I keep going back and forth in my thinking, really, never sure of myself. But if it was easy to leave and just go somewhere I would leave right away. But where do I go? I have no family, no relatives, and I cant imagine a happy life, no matter where I go. Cant see any point to my life at all. I'm trying to work towards goals, especially to get a higher paying job, but find it really hard to focus because I cant get over feeling that I cant escape my life or my feelings, if that makes sense.

 

[GetBusyLiving]

I strongly urge you to seek out Gabor Mate's book 'When the body says NO'. There's a lot of YouTube content you can start with from Gabor Mate as well.

Your body is weeping and crying out on your behalf.

 

[camera]

It’s interesting. I would look back on my past and not be able to make the emotional connections and pain. Actually, I would look back on my past and not be able to remember very much of it in any detail it all. I don’t think I was present for it.
When I was dating my ex-husband, I got in a small accident and was hit on the driver side. A day or two later I woke up with the worst migraine ever. I have never had migraines before that. I was certain that it was a car accident and if I could just go to a chiropractor and get my neck adjusted, I’d be fine, but I wasn’t. I did everything up to and including surgery on my neck trying to find some relief. There wasn’t any. The symptoms also started getting worse and worse when I was around my ex-husband. They started getting worse throughout the day, when I was at work and went intensify right before I went home to see him. He liked to go away for romantic weekends and as soon as I would get in the truck with him the pain would start and be blinding. I had to pretend like nothing was wrong because by then he was picking up on the connection, pop a couple Sudafed‘s, I think that was it at the time, and go on like it was nothing.
In hindsight and in really connecting TMS pain and situations of my past, I have finally been able to connect the dots.
When I was in the car accident and hit from the side, I smacked my head on the window. That threw me back into my childhood, where abuse would be being unexpectedly slamed sideways into the wall and my head hitting the wall. I knew I was in trouble and I had no idea what I did.
I tryed to always stay away from men that reminded me of my father. I thought my ex-husband was one of those men when in all actuality he had the same energy of my father. I hated to go anywhere with my father, especially if it was a vacation.
I still have a bit of vacation anxiety to this day. I’m going to California to dog sit at the end of July. After I made that commitment a couple months ago, a lot of weird painful things started coming up. At first, I thought it was just the “fear of commitment”. Afraid some weird pain thing would come up and I wouldn’t be able to do it. Now, I think that it has to do with the whole weird TMS stress/pain cycle.
If you have any suggestions I’d appreciate it.
Sorry about the ramble

Wow, I have a similar thing with the poor memory. For the same reason, I felt I had difficulty connecting my symptoms with my physical interactions with him. I had lots of amnesia since meeting him, but I don't know if it was because of him. It was horrible to look back on it and realize...what was I doing with my life?

Interesting the connection you made with the migraines and with vacations. I have so many reactions like that. I dont know what would help you. Maybe meditating or deep breathing when those things come up? I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

I also swore as a kid that I'd avoid angry people like my family. Mine was different from my family in many ways, but the same in that he was emotionless, had no values, no life, little desire for friends or relationships, etc. So it was ok to have no life and nothing to care about or live for, whereas I was considered mentally ill if I felt a strong desire to have a life. It was a lot of psychological torment and a wasted life. Not to mention draining to be around him.

 

[camera]

I strongly urge you to seek out Gabor Mate's book 'When the body says NO'. There's a lot of YouTube content you can start with from Gabor Mate as well.

Your body is weeping and crying out on your behalf.

Yes, I did read it years ago, when the symptoms were at their worst. But I was so disconnected from myself that I didnt make the connection with the stories. Having a bad memory probably didn't help. How do I escape being "good" in the wrong way? How do I know when I'm being too "good"? How do I know myself and what's best for me? Or am I just blinded by my needs for comfort, connection, certainty and dependency? All I get is confusion.

 

[Baseball65]

Wow. One of my relapses was triggered by a hookup with my now ex-wife....right before we separated. My knee totally froze. I was already doing this work so the symptoms went away fast BUT in retrospect it was obvious that I was only still there to be a good husband/father. I was not financially dependent on her but all kinds of emotional dependent/fear of losing my kids.

It was the search for awareness that made the symptoms go away long before the relationship ended. It is tied up with the essence of your being where your body/mind/soul all connect.

Remember that it's the awareness...
Though sometimes it pushes us in corners we'd rather not be in.

 

[untangledweb]

Yes, I did read it years ago, when the symptoms were at their worst. But I was so disconnected from myself that I didnt make the connection with the stories. Having a bad memory probably didn't help. How do I escape being "good" in the wrong way? How do I know when I'm being too "good"? How do I know myself and what's best for me? Or am I just blinded by my needs for comfort, connection, certainty and dependency? All I get is confusion.

Camera,
Be gentle with yourself. I think that my lack of memory from my childhood, helped me to survive. I went from a childhood of what I thought was emotional, physical, and mental abuse, to drinking and using drugs. And, don’t forget about my promiscuity. I found that I could use sex as power and control. Needless to say, I did not really have intimate relationships. I didn’t know how.
I also had a tendency to be horribly codependent. I really didn’t understand my behaviors and the things that I did to soothe myself. Neither my mother and father were alcoholics or drug users, but I somehow was. It wasn’t until EMDR session in 2002, when I was 39 years old, that I found out about the sexual abuse. All the puzzles pieces started falling into place. I still really didn’t have a super clear memory about my childhood, but I didn’t want to. I still don’t really want to.
I would like to just focus on the present. Think about the future and have some sort of goals, even small ones look forward to. It really is a one day at a time thing.
Beth

 

[camera]

Camera,
Be gentle with yourself. I think that my lack of memory from my childhood, helped me to survive. I went from a childhood of what I thought was emotional, physical, and mental abuse, to drinking and using drugs. And, don’t forget about my promiscuity. I found that I could use sex as power and control. Needless to say, I did not really have intimate relationships. I didn’t know how.
I also had a tendency to be horribly codependent. I really didn’t understand my behaviors and the things that I did to soothe myself. Neither my mother and father were alcoholics or drug users, but I somehow was. It wasn’t until EMDR session in 2002, when I was 39 years old, that I found out about the sexual abuse. All the puzzles pieces started falling into place. I still really didn’t have a super clear memory about my childhood, but I didn’t want to. I still don’t really want to.
I would like to just focus on the present. Think about the future and have some sort of goals, even small ones look forward to. It really is a one day at a time thing.
Beth

Yes, I feel like I should be more gentle, but I'm so desperate. I find it hard to function. I've been trying to focus on goals, but I'm not a peace enough to be able to focus. So I end up focusing on trying to fix all the things wrong with me.

 

[NicoleB34]

interesting. i'm having a bit of the opposite problem. i'm in a relationship with somebody i dont trust and we have the best chemistry ever. however, i think my love, obsession, addiction, and yet deep down rage towards him is keeping my symptoms alive. you and i both feel trapped, but for different reasons and it's killing our bodies.

 

[camera]

Wow. One of my relapses was triggered by a hookup with my now ex-wife....right before we separated. My knee totally froze. I was already doing this work so the symptoms went away fast BUT in retrospect it was obvious that I was only still there to be a good husband/father. I was not financially dependent on her but all kinds of emotional dependent/fear of losing my kids.

It was the search for awareness that made the symptoms go away long before the relationship ended. It is tied up with the essence of your being where your body/mind/soul all connect.

Remember that it's the awareness...
Though sometimes it pushes us in corners we'd rather not be in.

This is what gets me. I think I am aware. I mean, I am aware that my symptoms are triggered by being around him. Yet these symptoms still won't go away as long as I have to see him or hear his voice. What else is there that I can do?

 

[Baseball65]

Learn more about yourself. What is it in your development as a person that made you get into relationships like the one you're in? How did you get into this one? Have there been others? Is this a pattern?

What would a healthy relationship look and feel like? What early warning signs did you ignore that this wasn't!t that relationship?

We spend most of our time looking for the right answers. Truth be told, it is finding the right questions that set us free

I just left the most abusive relationship I have ever been in... I asked myself all of these questions and more. Leaving was easy when I had asked enough

 

[camera]

Learn more about yourself. What is it in your development as a person that made you get into relationships like the one you're in? How did you get into this one? Have there been others? Is this a pattern?

What would a healthy relationship look and feel like? What early warning signs did you ignore that this wasn't!t that relationship?

We spend most of our time looking for the right answers. Truth be told, it is finding the right questions that set us free

I just left the most abusive relationship I have ever been in... I asked myself all of these questions and more. Leaving was easy when I had asked enough

Yes, I completely agree with this! I've made some progress in this area, yet I'm still working on things. An inability to connect with people and social isolation was a huge part of the problem. I was already too "different" of a person from others, or at least thought I was. I was too intimidated/afraid of people. When I met him, I felt like I could talk to him. I wasn't attracted to him, just comfortable around him. I'm learning to branch out more and feel more comfortable around others.

I really am not sure I have much of an idea of what a healthy relationship is. I know I should force myself into something where I'm not attracted to someone and my instincts are fighting against it. At this point, I'll take anything that isn't this, then maybe I'll learn more once I have a change to get to know what people are like and my options (hopefully) expand. If anything, the warning signs were that I didn't feel anything and that he was really stiff and antisocial. It's the parts of his personality that were missing. I'm attracted more to people that have a completely opposite personality than his.

 

[untangledweb]

Yes, I completely agree with this! I've made some progress in this area, yet I'm still working on things. An inability to connect with people and social isolation was a huge part of the problem. I was already too "different" of a person from others, or at least thought I was. I was too intimidated/afraid of people. When I met him, I felt like I could talk to him. I wasn't attracted to him, just comfortable around him. I'm learning to branch out more and feel more comfortable around others.

I really am not sure I have much of an idea of what a healthy relationship is. I know I should force myself into something where I'm not attracted to someone and my instincts are fighting against it. At this point, I'll take anything that isn't this, then maybe I'll learn more once I have a change to get to know what people are like and my options (hopefully) expand. If anything, the warning signs were that I didn't feel anything and that he was really stiff and antisocial. It's the parts of his personality that were missing. I'm attracted more to people that have a completely opposite personality than his.

It took me many years of sleeping with men to understand that I didn’t have to sleep with them. I know now, that if I enjoy a man’s company, or anyone’s company, that I can hang out with them and be friends with them without sleeping with them. If they wanted to sleep with me, I have started to be very truthful and tell them that I just want to be friends and that I’m not attracted to them. I also have to be careful not to send mixed messages. Honesty make everything so much more simple.

 

[Dorado]

I’ve had the opposite problem where attempting to deny sexual attraction has given me stress symptoms. I’ve been very attracted to men and women I didn’t want to be for various reasons (hard time accepting my bisexuality that never feels like it's "enough" for my gay or straight peers). Any type of attraction issues - whether you’re attracted to someone or not - can cause rage, stress, confusion, etc. Remember that your needs are important. I agree that considering what your ideal relationship looks like is important.