Day 10 Treatment so far

[redeemed27]

I've had several "Ah-ha!" moments so far and also have been able to really get a grip on the magnitude of some of my biggest issues.

In reading about the TMS personality traits, I was shocked to realize how stoic I am. The description fits me to a T. The other trait that fits me very well is legalism. One day I started making a list of all the expectations and demands that I make of myself, and I was blown away. In just a few minutes I had listed about 20 things, and reading them through, they seemed so ridiculous! But I do believe them, and they are the main source of tremendous pressure I put on myself. I'm sure that my unconscious self is really mad about it! I certainly wouldn't make any of those demands on a friend or family member, or even a co-worker. I wouldn't want to watch someone making those demands on someone else. So why do I make them on myself?

Learning these things is half the battle, but the much harder half is going to be learning to live differently. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, as these patterns are so deeply ingrained.

I've also gotten a better handle on the magnitude of my problems with my parents. Funny, the parent that was emotional abusive when I was growing up is not one of the parents I have real trouble with now. Now it's my real dad and my mother. I've written "unsent letters" to them both. I need to learn how to relate to them both in a healthier way--another very tall order.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

You mean you have repressed emotions about your birth parents?
That's very common and can cause TMS.
Have you done some journaling about them? You need to understand why they gave you stress
and find your way to forgive them and then let it go. Forgiving is the secret to healing TMS.

 

[redeemed27]

Yes, I have journalled about them and will continue to work on it. It's not so much that I need to forgive them for the past, but that I need to learn to interact with them in new ways. Both of the relationships are stressful, in opposite ways. My father is very unaccepting (to the point of contemptuousness) of many of my beliefs and so when I see him or talk to him (which is not often because he lives in another state), I always just listen to him lecture me and mostly keep my mouth shut and not rock the boat. That's not healthy, but it's tough to change, and I've learned from previous experience that speaking my mind results in a lot of turmoil on the part of everybody. My Mom, who I see a lot more than I would like, at least twice a week, is a wonderful woman who drives me nuts. I get very frustrated and angry with her and we have frequent arguments.

 

[Layla]

There are books about assertiveness and social intelligence and such, also a book called Dealing with Difficult People or Dealing With People You Can't Stand (not sure which one I read in another language) by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman, I don't know your parents, but it was helpful for dealing with mine. There are short summaries online too..

 

[blake]

Hi redeemed,

I found the dialogue technique very useful in helping me find peace in my relationship with my mom. This technique is used in the sep. It's really simple: you just have a pretend conversation with the other person and try to imagine how he or she would respond. It helped me see things from my Mom's point of view and release a lot of anger and guilt about the past and the present.

 

[redeemed27]

Thank you, Blake. That's sounds great--I'll try it.

 

[Quadzilla]

Hey Redeemed-

I am dealing with a whole big fat mess, but among the things I realized was that I learned to shut up and stuff my feelings down for the sake of homeostasis too. I am trying to figure out how to change that dynamic with my parents especially. One thing I have done, besides try to lay the foundation for open dialogue (ugh - exhausting) was realize that holding on to blame was not helping me. Someone told me that blame is not a feeling it is an idea. And boy is that true. It serves no purpose. I can't speak for your parents, but mine really gave me all they could - unfortunately for all parties they had some big limitations in some areas. They are human. My parents really tried their best and so I do not blame them for where they went wrong. They messed up, like all people do, and it had severe ramifications at times. That said I have learned to accept their limitations and now I am trying to figure out how to overcome said ramifications.

Good luck with your relationship with your folks. Changing an old dynamic is a toughy but I think it is doable.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Quadzilla, it's great that you have given the relationship with your parents some serious thought and stopped blaming.
Our parents do make mistakes, some serious, but they do try their best. I figure mine had their own repressed emotions
that caused them to have TMS pain. My father had bad back pain, my mother migraines. Thinking back on their lives,
it's no wonder they had TMS, and it went back to their childhoods. So we learn and forgive, and that ends our pain.

 

[BruceMC]

Thank you, Blake. That's sounds great--I'll try it.

I believe there are several examples of the dialog technique included on several days of the SEP (Structured Education Program) available on the TMS Wiki. They seem to be modeled on similar exercises using the dialog technique in Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain workbook. If you haven't utilized those resources already, those are the places to visit.