Totally sure this pain is TMS but need advice on how to cope with ongoing stressors

[Wiser now]

Hello-
I have overcome many TMS symptoms in my life thankfully to Dr. Sarno and his techniques. I am the classic TMS person. I overcame upper back pain almost 30 years ago and over the years have been able to knock out other symptoms when they have shown up correlating them to stressful times in my life. Allergies, female pain, anxiety, depression, dizziness, foot pain, heart palpitations, etc. etc. I will try to condense this to get to the point.

I am the oldest child with 2 younger siblings. Growing up had a good relationship with my parents. During the last 4 years:

-My 86 year old father fell twice, been in ICU twice and has cancer given 1-2 years to live. I have had to take care of all his affairs including huge credit card debt, all medical, insurance, healthcare etc. He amassed huge collections of coins, stamps, matchbooks, etc that we moved into my basement, my brothers house and 2 storage units because he doesn't want to deal with them but won't let us sell them either.

-My mother is 83 and has been declining from dementia the last 6 years. I had to move both my parents into assisted living because their house wasn't safe. I've handled all of her affairs, medical, etc. too. My father is furious that she has dementia and complains to me constantly about how hard his life is having to live with her even though I put them in a nice facility and they are safe. He still drives and is defiant and in denial about his own health. I oversee all their finances but my dad still spends money recklessly. I have many talks with him about it but his says its "his" money. He makes things miserable for my siblings and I and plays the victim/martyr role constantly.

-Last Fall I had to sell my childhood home with 51 years of their hoarding and had to throw out many things of my childhood without getting the chance to go through them because there was just too much and we were on a timeline to sell it. 11 dumpsters and put everything else to auction. Their house had gone into total disrepair and was devastating for me to have to sell it even though it wasn't safe. My mother still cries and is upset with us that we sold it. The amount of time I have put in to help them, clean up their messes and keep them safe is maddening.

-My husband of 28 years is in his own pain and has his own issues he won't deal with. He is tense and angry a lot of the time and I am the sounding board for most of it. I have set clear boundaries with him about this behavior but it continues. His mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and he is very frustrated because she is controlling and in denial. We are planning on retiring in 2 years which I am hoping will help his anger as his job is a big stress for him.

-My only child is going to college this Fall and I am overwhelmed with all the work involved with keeping track of college applications, scholarships but at the same time am incredibly sad that she will be leaving. Yes, I shouldn't take on the college work but she isn't super reliable about getting it done so I have helped her which I probably shouldn't have done but felt obligated to.

Enough of that crap!

I had hip pain develop on the RH side 2 years ago. It started when I was trying to lift my 100 lb dog that my husband decided the family "needed" into the car after his physical therapy. I had to drive him to therapy a lot and thought driving was the cause combined with lifting him. Quit lifting him but was resentful that I had to take him and over the years have been the main one to take care of our pets that my husband brought in the house. It was obvious to me I was mad about this.

I went to PT for the hip pain last year when it didn't go away. Got a little relief but it came back.

The hip pain would come and go but became more intense from driving which started when I had to drive to the hospital every day to see my dad 2 years ago. The driving went on for months. This past month I have developed intense shoulder/back pain on the RH side also. I went to a massage therapist and she said my whole right side is so tight, no wonder I have pain.

I have not stopped doing anything but driving and lifting the dog are 2 triggers I am aware I have developed because I was angry I had to do them. I quit lifting the dog and make my husband do this. The dog is 12 and nearing the end right now. I feel he is suffering but my husband won't put him down so there are daily arguments about this. I feel terrible for the poor animal.

Obviously, I have way to much going on which has caused this pain and I know it. I can't get away from the tension that is happening in my life though. I have sought counseling to try and deal with all of this. I know it will all pass but boy is it hard and I feel a huge sense of loss of my father, mother, childhood home, daughter and soon, my dog. My husband is not unsupportive but is very frustrated at how my parents handled everything and how its taken me away from my own family.

I might add that I am a people pleaser and the one to take on responsibility because I am the oldest. I am always the one to fix everything because I get things done. I am grateful that my siblings have helped but they only go on my direction, they don't initiate anything so I put huge pressure on myself because no one wants to deal with it. I hate what my parents have done to me and resent them both even though I do still love them.

Any advice on what to do when you have family members that are causing stress but you can't get rid of them? I do spend time everyday on myself and continue to exercise, journal when I can, do deep breathing, etc. I work part time so I can get out of the house a little which is a good distraction. I exercise despite the pain but it's not backing down, it gets worse after exercise. I try not to fear the pain as I know the emotions I am feeling have created it. The loss and anger about the situations has been ongoing for me and I have worked hard at confronting the feelings and dealing with them but the pain persists.

Part of me is furious that I have allowed this to happen and I've been such a "good daughter". I was raised Catholic (ha) so have great guilt that I it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have had several heated discussions with my dad when he drives me to a tipping point. He backs down for a while but always goes back to the victim/controlling behavior.

Part of me thinks this will not go away until everyone dies and we retire which is a horrible thing to think. (Guilt). I know that all of this will pass but seriously wish I could run away from home sometimes so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore and I am 60 I know I will overcome all of this as I have done before but anyone who might have some insight would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for the long read, thanks in advance!

 

[clarinetpath]

I'm about 20 years younger than you, but here's what I think:

My only child is going to college this Fall and I am overwhelmed with all the work involved with keeping track of college applications..

Why would it be any work for you? You provide your tax return cooperatively for the FAFSA, and that's it, that's more than enough. The child is and always was in control of their own destiny. They really do have their own soul, you can't do anything to alter their life that they don't want to do.

I was raised Catholic

I had a Catholic aunt, she got breast cancer in her 40s. She stayed in remission because her mother she was taking care of finally died, what a relief that must have been.

About your parents, I did a similar thing for my grandparents (not my aunt's parents) about 10 years ago at great personal exertion. They were nice, they were like my true loving parents, not nasty like your father. I wouldn't do such a thing again. Also, I don't think that all that I did made any difference in their final decline anyway.

Other practical advice: stop all physical treatments.

Any advice on what to do when you have family members that are causing stress but you can't get rid of them?

Re-evaluate that, get rid of them, start first with anyone who is actively uncooperative.

Live by this:

"Christ said: 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.' As thyself, not more than thyself. Among us Troll folk there was a phrase which ran: 'I come first of all, then I come again, then nothing comes for ever so long, and then come other people.'"
It's from The Book of the It, by Georg Groddeck, M.D.

 

[Cactusflower]

Stress is less about what happens to you than it is about the story you tell about yourself within the situation.
Thinking things happen to you is self victimization. Like you have no control over your situation and destiny. Lots of people come here from that place, and their stubbornness (lack of open mindedness) to see that there are other paths is part of holding the stress close.
You don’t want to feel resentful for your child’s behavior and attitude so you try and control the situation. Where are you in this? How does that make you feel about yourself?
You probably have fears and worries about this: that is anxiety. Any book by Claire Weekes will help you begin to put the anxiety in perspective.
You discuss and are well aware of your personality traits. Keep the ones that serve you, the ones that create stress -modify or get rid of. Learn to create effective boundaries. It’s uncomfortable at first, it’s messy just do it. It gets easier. Clarinetpath hinted at a good strategy to begin. Basically you learn how to say no to yourself. Refuse to engage in the behaviors that trigger you.
I joke that I was raised to have both Jewish and Catholic guilt - and am neither. Guilt is an uncomfortable sensation, and sometimes it’s a masquerade for shame and anger which can be even more uncomfortable. Learning to feel more comfortable with the sensation of emotions helps a lot! So you are aware of some anger, but that’s not the anger or rage Sarno talks about. He asks you to go deeper, to the stuff you have shielded yourself from and don’t consciously think about eg how do you feel about your husband’s general overall lack of consideration in your marriage and being treated like servant staff instead of an equal partner to decisions in your marriage? Yeah, go there and go way deeper.
Much of what you write about is kind of 2nd level TMS work, and that’s a great place to be! I also get the feeling you think somehow you feel bad about yourself because you were never taught many of the interpersonal skills we need to navigate this world. That isn’t your fault. Parents should be instilling this in children (but parents may also not have learned it). You have a great opportunity to learn these things and pass them on.
I used some articles on Psychology Today to get the wording of the skills I wanted to learn, and searched on YouTube and listen to podcasts to learn these things skills (from reliable sources, lots of unprofessional advice out there!)
I learned how to disengage with narcissists and difficult people, to say no -including to family, to be ok with hard thoughts and emotions, and to disengage from mind chatter about myself (it’s still there, but I chose not to listen). My entire attitude changed!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hello, @Wiser now. I have a suggestion for journaling, which is to take each of your individual issues and ask yourself how the situation affects your deep emotions in these four areas:
Mortality
Isolation/Abandonment
Freedom
Meaning

These are the "Four Core Issues" which form the basis of the practice of Existential Psychotherapy, which I learned about on this forum many years ago when Dr Peter Zafirides used to post (his posts are still here).

I find these to be a great way to jump-start a journaling session to work on the negative repressed emotions underlying current stressors. For example, just having elderly parents activates emotions about Mortality and Abandonment, while caretaking elderly parents adds Freedom to the mix, with all of the guilt involved in wanting your freedom back.

Empty-nest syndrome is of course all about abandonment and isolation, and more guilt when looking forward to the resulting freedom.

Meaning is subtle, and often lurking in the background of every issue.

And, by the way, I found that just turning 60 was the main trigger for my personal TMS crisis 14 years ago, even without all the stressors you've got going on (and BTW @Cactusflower is right on to warn you about the temptations of victimhood - acknowledge, and reject!)

Aging, for me, triggered the #1 obvious issue of my own mortality, #2 eventual isolation and abandonment by loved ones (and sure enough I had lost three people just three years later, and only one was my very elderly mother, the others were far too young). #3 is about losing my freedom with extreme age (not unusual in my family) and of course, always lurking is the question of whether any of this ultimately Means anything.

These topics are excellent openings for examining our repressed negative emotions, and what saves us from the symptoms of repression is the willingness to acknowledge and accept the existence of the emotions, even if you can't change the circumstances creating them.

 

[Wiser now]

Thanks to all of you for the feedback. A lot of good points for me to digest and work on. It is interesting to hear your perspectives. I know I will get to the other side, the pain will go away and I will be stronger for it!

 

[Cactusflower]

You set "clear boundaries" for your husband. Boundaries are for you.
He starts up with his old behaviors that you no longer want to participate in, you do what you need to do to keep those boundaries.
Leave the room,
go for a walk, a coffee, call a friend and go do stuff. HAVE FUN and find a way to do whatever it is to keep your boundaries. It's not your job to reign anyone in, it's not your job to manage their problems and issues. Keep reinforcing yourself with this message. Keep loving your hubby and showing him support, but don't feed the beast. Keep a few TMS oriented books on side tables around the house, Dan Buglio has a new book out, Dr. Handscom has a great one that addresses people who tend to wallow in anger.
wear headphones and listen to books on tape (works WONDERS)