tms stammer inner flame

tms stammer inner flame
last year, when i was washing my clothes bending my back, i had tightness in my upper back muscle. went for checkup. rhomboid muscle spasm. got muscle relaxant and physiotheraphy. follow on check up. took muscle relaxants. yoga. exercise. aerobics. finally i ended with my refreshing healthy body having upper back spasm. that tightness went on. checkup with few other PHDs and specialists..

read books on back pain and realized back pain is incurable. my life diminised for forever and i am disabled. further read books on strucutre and anatomy. continued physiotheraphy and searched for particular cause. for next 6 months suffered. couldnt sit sleep walk...do my stuffs. searched for the ultimate pill. cure. solution which would just magically heal my pain. life shrinked day by day.

desperation to heal. read on posture management. followed right way to sit sleep and walk. felt like robot. couldnt find myself in right way to sleep walk sit.felt this is not right. felt body on its own knows best way to sleep sit walk...it knows everything by itself..no need to "learn" to walk sleep...something must be obstructing it..

many other books on yoga exercise. tried here and there.had healthy refreshed body with spasm.tightness.
read like crazy. came across dr sarno's book. back pain = TMS,tension mitosis syndrome. physical outcome = manifestation of psychological imbalances,repressed rage, anger. very hard to swallow.thought change body? today i feel how dumb i was, how asleep i was.kept on searching for answer. realized my thought cycle matches my spasm pain cycle. when there is something that is causing stress, the muscle spasm goes up. as stressful source is resolved, spasm comes down... what caused this? went on writing my feelings..not daily, some day here and there..randomly.. it came out..felt like...a large lump of interconnected web of anger hatred..darkness..pure evil was extracted out of me..i realized. kept watching movie of all those suffering,shame,guilt,anger,hatred.which such huge lump of dark emotions, why wouldnt there be spasm? it is normal.

realized cause of my spasm. spasm has been way of living my life. my stressful part of life.happy and moving toward healing it. more try to heal, more tense it felt. more try to change, more it felt tight. the spasm has direct linkage to my inner state of anxiety,calmness and thought process..could feel it..tried to maintain my calmness and anxiety..worked toward expressing my feeling..and being myself..

shared it to very supportive wiki gorup for tms.am thankful to all members of tms group..

felt have reached intermission of movie..then things starts to get really amazing...feel superb looking back...how dots connects..

lets go back,6 years back, stutter,dont know rom when..but 6 years ago, done with my schooling...went on with journey of my own..to cure stammer..to find solution and get done with this issue..and went online..downloaded redefining stuttering by john c harrison..dont have the clue what he was talking about..all i knew was there are many things leading to stutter and gotta make things positive..went on reading books..and self help..audio books.and many spiritual books...and quotes..and reached to point when felt i have become some spiritual master or self help guru..sort of hallucination..and learned and learned...but then felt bored..uttlerly bored..and stutter was as it was. more i read i realized, i need to accept stutter as it is...it is ok be there but i will live my life..i will make myself better person...despite of stutter..so i left the thirst to finding answer to stutter..but kept on reading to be POSITIVE..i use to read self help books...just to improve myself...i always felt need to be GOOD..better improve myself..but the determination to resolve stutter was gone and there was need to be improved better me.....

today re-read redefining stuttering, it makes complete sense.

today, after 6 yrs of reading spiritual stuffs,buddhism and self help books, nonfictions....and 1 yrs of painful tms/muscle spasm...things started to sink in...how muscle spasm is casused by inner imbalance..inner turmoil..but then while reading about tms...i came across that when there is psychological imbalance,,,repressed negative feelings(of 10-20 years), my mind can use any part of body to express it...it may cause headcahe, ringing ears, tonsil, gastrics...and there is entire list..or it can be anything else...once you voilate your inner balance...result can be anything...as i was pondering myself.. was thinking like..ok spasm is muscle getting tight due to inner tension,turmoil... and yeah inner tension can be use to tighten any other muscle...and out of nowhere..it came..stammer is tightness of some muscle in throat..so..here it is... the source the source of both the conditions(tms and stammer) is something inside me..something that i have created....some inner imbalance...

by this time..i have ..read a lots of spritual books and in these years...got my mind very blurry through various confusing concepts... had lots of headaches. but as i went on reading many spiritual books...i went on understanding and knowing what they were talking about...

1.the most important realization/visualization that happened to me is (dont know exactly from where, but things i read here and there started to interconnect and form this visualization)...at the center core there is light,flame which is flowing...and each of us have that light..and each of us is connected via that light. every living thing is inter connected. that entire light is god. and i am light. out of that core light is surrounded by minds(created to flow the light), many minds, mind1=student me, mind2=son me,...and many mind and each mind has linked thoughts,beliefs,views,perception..so i realized,that core center light helps to flow light/flame/water from higher source/god through me into this world. this outer world is projection and reflection of inner world. this visualization gave me sense of peace calmness, that light flows on its own..it is always there..whatever my thought feeling is..however i stammer..or not..who ever i become..or whatever i do all my live, silent..in there..at core..it is there..flowing that light/energy/flame/water from god through me..this gave me sense of peace...

2.another thing i learned was..our bodies are made up of cells which down to smallest part is atom..which has electron neutron proton...and i came to now 2% of atom is covered by electron neutron proton..98% of our body is empty.emptiness..i remembered poem i read.."we value cup but it is it's emptiness that is useful"..emptiness inside us must not be filled by thoughts,feelings..experiences..needs ..desire..let there be emptiness..and be happy with what IS. through emptines the core light flows...

everything else above it minds,feelings behaviour and everything else is there and they must be there to pave a way so that that inner flow comes to outer world...and i become who i am..my true self..but all thoughts..feelings behaviour are..creating inner imbalance..blocking that inner flow..that light in me....inner blockage made me forget who i was..that is why there is always deep down..silent voice saying in me from my childhood..i am not who i am ..i need to improve..be better..never satisfied with myself..i have not become who i really..am..i am fake..and i always had feeling that this life is darkness.its evil...you do whatever you want..you have to die and.it is how it is..dark..sad..but later i realized..life is not darkness..life is flow..flow of that light,flame..in me...

somewhere in my childhood with one or many events..i forget linkage with my source..i was cut off from inner flow..and then i went on crazily like a mad person in search of inner peace.. having deep need to be loved..deep need to feel ok..was never there..and there started need to be validated..need to be good and impress others..but lets no go this way..because..this is all my life have been...and looking in from here..stutter is just a small small outer expression of suffering i have been...i have suffered a lot...i never saw what it was already there by itself..i realized that everyone of us is born perfect with things needed all in us. everything else is optional. every need to "be" and "do" something is optional not manditory. the first and foremost requirement to do and be anything anyone is to be ok with who you are...that sense of inner me..
as i write this i move my jaw and neck to stretch my tight muscle due to spasm, i dont know spasm/tms healed tms or not!..and same with stutter..i stutter a word here and there...and i dont care much..i dont know i have healed tms/stutter or not..and i dont even care..what i care is the hell i have create in me..those thoughts..those feelings..behaviour..how i projected hell around me...how i saw wrong in every situtaion and every person..and feelng that nothing is right..it was as if i turned everything of me into darkness...to feel powerful strong..to prove my worth despite of stuttering..

stuttering dates back long long way..and i have died many many times..mentally..many times i have died and rebirth..stood up everytime to face the world..to face the people..a simple mockery kills the person who i have created and self confidence..and there goes all the word subsitution..word elongation..prolongation..hiding..avoiding.and every other technique to prove your worth..to speak...and with every tool..i become less of who i am..deep down.i am not being i am..i have not expressed myself completely..

i do not wish to cure tms or stutter..it is just outward expression of innner imbalance..until and unless that inner imbalance..those thoughts..feelings..were brought out into light..there is always be tms..there wil always be stutter..there will always be something unnatural..something new..weird..something to cope..something to survive and something to run this life...to subsitute the natural flow..but the drawback of every substitute is that it cannot give that sense of peace calmness and trust in ourselves..like the natural flow of being ourselves...i remember reading something by carl jung -"we must accept shadow(darkness) to be completely who we are.."

i realized extraordinary similarity in my quest of solving tms and stutter. more i try to cure tms or stutter both increases. both are linked to a thought. more i try not to think something, i have to think it first. tms and stutter is both kind of tightness/rigidness against flow.( i realized i always wanted to be rigid,strong,like a stone..wall..that is my view of strong....) both decrease when there is sense of calmness, both gets worst when i am feeling low about myself..and in both tms and stutter there is my innner critic judging myself harsh...and in both tms n stutter..both has roots in fear...it is just 2 of many pathway of expression of inner state....i question..why all this suffering? why not just teach trust and be yourself..and i realize from buddism books - without suffering there is no compassion and buddha says-happiness is end of suffering..so suffering is there trying shouting calling you back..back to your home..to center core light..it is doing in many ways..it tried by stammering..it tried by tms..and it may try anything with anyone..else and we can give fancy new names in future..but..that inner center core will always call you back...into light..into home..because we are all born as light..that center core light is our default natural state...a new born child is pure light!

the real tragedy is in forgetting my inner expression..my natural spontaneous expression..all my life i forced to speak up words..to pre think all the words..their tone..their notes..syllabus..and fear in each word..before speaking..and it is very very hard work and tiresome to think every word you speak...i never trusted that spontaneous flow of my inner expression...and after i realize that how much my mind tries to pre-create my life, what unfolds in reality is unknown...we can never know what happens in next second..and that is for good...because..it teaches us to accept anything with heart and flow through it....i always had the way of living like..i want to know what happens next.. 100% sure what happens and then..force to create it and perfectly create it...but little i know, what unfolds in reality is unknown..and that is beauty of being alive..
and blockages were built by thoughts...which followed by feelings which followed by behaviours to cope with that lack of inner peace..self worth....and like a crazy person..just went on searching..searching..searching..
in lack of natural flow, there formed a system in me to substitute or cope as i grew. that system has its component thoughts...feelings behaviour..and it is creating blockage to natural expression...the system feeds on turning every thing in my life into darkness..it does very intelligently..i remember all good things of life as few seconds.but all moments of being mocked as a entire life in full details....and with every stammer..with every mockery..all negative parts are replayed and replayed..bringing my confidence to 0 self esteem to 0..and i felt i died..and it took few months..later i again..rebirth..and again..went on to fight with stutter..to resolve it..and it went on for many years....i tried more harder..much stronger..more positive....and that war was always..there...

due to stutter, i always felt incomplete..i always felt something was wrong in me..so to counterbalance it..always became OVER NICE and OVER COMPENSATIVE in everything WITH EVERYONE..and i always felt i was making mistake doing the GOOD thing..i always seeked some external validationn.external needs..external..something..but that inner guidance..a sense of trust in myself was never there..somewhere in my childhood i felt myself like a lizard that just changes colour as required by people..i felt like i change myself and be of different colour as per needed..i dont know who i am..i am missing myself..i do not have something that others have..i force myself to be happy, force myself to be sad..i first think i must be sad and be sad..i never felt feelings..i just swept in under somewhere and I FELT I AM STRONG HUMAN BEING I AM LIKE A ROCK STORNG RIGID..UNMOVED..UNBROKEN...which went of piling.and..collecting many days and days of sadness..anger..frustrated ...and when it was beyound limit it was express as tms,stutter..or anger or anything.. in my body,mind and soul...

i remember the way i forced myself to bring out voice how cruel i was..how dark evil i was..that judgement critic..when i finally couldnt speak..that guilt that helpnessness that suffering..and again full of revenge..confidence...i again try to speak and again fall down...

for almost each day i have lived, there was core thinking pattern at center of me like this.. life is darkness a pain suffering nothing else whatever you do, how much you try..you cant change...it is pain suffering...and i activated my "STAMMER mind"..my stammer mind doesnt let inner core light flow through it..it uses mirror+filter to send only dark sad gloomy colours and paints my world with these colours..

we do not live in 1 earth.each of us live in their earth. there are as many earth as there are people. we create our own world. everything else is our own projection in that world. until and unless you hurt hate aand be cruel to yourself you do not know how to do that to other person..and you wont be seeing that in this world...i was shocked to realize that i had good moments in my life..but how come i remember only stutter painful moment in full details, i remember happy moments like some shades of faded memory.....and i remember how cruel i was to myself..how cruel..for not able to speak..such cruel..mean..dark..i dad killed myself many times..so that cruelness means in projected in my life..i tend to judge people a lot..like when someone buys new cloth, my mind says,"dress for such ugly undeserving person,first be deserving and then only buy new dress"....how i learned that? it is because i do that to myself..i say..first be fluent..and then do something in life..buy soemthing...

i have been cruel to myself..judgemental to myself..angry to myself..and never ever accepted way i was....never ever being ok with my stammer..never ever satisfied with myself..being ok peaceful calm and joyful fun happiness..it never happened in me..i was by default tense worried hurt cruel..angry..and my world was it..i saw cruelness.. angry..fear..

i do not know about my curing of tms or stammer but i have realized that everything that is happening, every suffering is there for a reason and that is to take you to your home. inside yourself. to that core center light....and darkness is accepted, the moment we accept darkness, it turns into light....

 

As Leonard Cohen sings ' there is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in...' We break and are made whole, we experience so much pain - and so we can empathise with all those in the world who feel pain...
Really, when it comes down to it, those of us suffering TMS and any condition with constant pain, or disability, or difficulty that sets us apart from others - eventually - when/if we heal - we are able to understand how others feel - we become more human. All the suffering, all the learning, it is never wasted. It is there to make us 'better'..
At times during my TMS healing I felt so resentful of myself - for causing all this - for failing to see the 'bloomin' obvious'. For wasting so many years of my life and my husband's life. But then I realised how much more I had learned through the process of being ill, through the process of searching for a cure, through the acceptance of a limited life, and finally through the process of understanding TMS. I have become a far better person than I would of been without this rich and varied journey. I expect that goes for you and many others here too.