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TMS free for three years, is it back ? and what to do.

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by nelle, Nov 3, 2019.

  1. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Hi, i was only thinking a few months ago i needed to come to this Forum and type my sucess story.

    I was on here in 2016 because i had constant head pressure and horrible sensations in my head. I had just come through two and a half years of back pain and had had a break down. Having stopped a low dose of antidepressant that id been on for years to be put on pain relive medication. Which of course didn't work i then went back on to antidepressant again after long deep depression and stay in hospital. Going on and off drugs sparked my head sensations and they didn't leave. I had had the sensations before years earlyer with drawing of medication which also resulted in a breakdown and stay in hospital.

    I was doing the wiki in 2016 about a month later i became pregnant and for the 9 months of pregnancy had really bad sickness daily. Being sick five or six times a day, intrestingly my head sensations left completly !. i have a two year old son now and recently have had a baby girl completely free of nasty head sensation.

    Recently the generic i take of the medication I'm on has stopped being produced , until next spring. I am now on exactly the same dose of the same drug made in a different lab i.e. different generic.The amount of active ingrediant is the same the difference is the additives, binders. There are a lot more e numbers in the one I'm tacking now.Since making the change My head sensations are back and screaming. Its is really hard as I'm the full time carer of my baby and very demanding toddler.

    My question which is making me anxious is,is it the tms or is it the drug or is it stress causing me to have the head sensations again. And what should i do about it?
    I really don't want to do the wiki again as i nearly lost my relationship last time ,i was so angry. The last few days trying to confince myself its tms and journaling on what might be making me angry has made me feel worse , very conflicted and lots of anxiety and anger.My relationship has become rocky again as I'm panicked. I do not want to end up being driven mad by my head sensations and back in a mental health hospital as i have two very beautiful children now who need me.
    Aimee88 likes this.
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    @nelle, I'm really sorry to hear all this, and what you're saying here is very concerning. I urge you to find therapeutic help as soon as possible, because your situation, especially what sounds like a lack of support, if not serious dysfunction in your relationship, may be more urgent than I think we here can help you with.

    Perhaps someone with antidepressant experience can help reassure you about that aspect of your symptoms, but I admit that I am very concerned about the other things you've said. Please find help and take care of yourself.
  3. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Thanks for your responce Jan , but i have to disagree with you. I do not feel my case is any worse than some one dealing with say chronic pain in there back. As far as getting help gose I'am reaching out to any help I'm offered through the post natal mental health service. I do not have the money for paying for thearphy and have been let down hugely by what can be offered via the nhs in the past. We are talking years of waiting. Also doctors do not seam to be so knowledgable about the ins and outs of antidepressants from my experience.

    I do how ever know that i am a classic tms case as in my history i have had anxiety, fibromialga and chronic back pain and head sensations. My head sensations kicked off a few weeks before i even made the change of generic when i found out i might have too and calmed down then started again once i did. Which i think is pretty strong evidence its stress/tms related. I woke up this morning feeling positive and hoping to have some suggestions of a way forward.
  4. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I notice that in all of your post , the focus of your mind seems to be on the minute details of the chemical composition of an antidepressant. I notice you just glance off of the subject of your kids and your partner....

    When TMS comes out of nowhere it is usually really close, said Dr. John Sarno. I have two sons myself (now grown) and I can assure you they were behind a lot of my symptoms. In fact, my final breakdown came right after number two was born.

    NOW in retrospect, it is easy for me to see how I unconsciously resented the imposition of being a good dad.... But I didn't have to beat my kids or ignore them for the symptoms to go away.... . I didn't need to 'share' it with anyone. Staying aware of my inner own childs disdain for being someone else's caretaker kept TMS at bay and oddly, kept me from falling asleep as a parent. It also helped me to understand my own parents...win,win,win

    I was also simultaneously married to someone who was Rage inducing to the eenth degree. . I didn't have to leave her to get better, but I DID have to admit to myself that I don't like role playing Husband and Wife. I did have to admit that the only reason I was married was because I was pressured into it... admit it to myself, on paper that no one else has ever seen. I am only this candid on the forum because NO one I know hangs out here.(LOL)

    and like you described, I errantly thought after reading HBP that I needed to unload all of my anger and repress nothing to get better. and though my pain went away, I became quite a jerk to her.

    TMS is always hidden in plain sight. It is something we wouldn't dare discuss or want people to know about us, lest they abandon us for being selfish gross little brats.... but simple awareness of the unsavory repressed/unconscious stuff will banish the symptoms. Of course we aren't feeling them... that's why their unconscious.

    I just had a 24 hour relapse...spasm in my leg. I got out the book and a pen, pretended I had never read it before and was shocked that after 20 years of doing this that mechanism that represses uncomfortable stuff is STILL in place, though nowhere near as hard to figure out. And it was still about the same old crap.... relationships, responsibilities, finance, family, mortality....RAGE that might tip my ship over....cause I am such a nice guy (N'T)

    JanAtheCPA was only pointiong towards the truth. I have a close GF who is in and out of Mental Health issues and When it gets bad she always needs to see someone professionally. I have an intuition that if she really could muster the fortitude to self efface and check herself she wouldn't need to go to a facility every other year, BUT that is me looking from the outside and none of us know what our peers and loved ones are REALLY going through.

    I can assure you Jan meant that with love and compassion...which IS moving forward.

    the way forward is always going to be motion towards truth, honesty, illumination, and all of the TMS toolkit is just a shovel. Only we can do the digging

    Last edited: Nov 4, 2019
    grapefruit, Aimee88, plum and 2 others like this.
  5. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    nelle, I remember you. I’m not sure on timings but was the new Alan Gordon program available on your first round here? If not, it’s definitely worth exploring because he nails a few stragglers which may help you trip the light fantastic and kick this TMS bout in the nuts.

    Seriously sweetheart, you’ve done this before and you can do it again. Alan’s program should be linked somewhere at the top of the site. I’m on my phone so can’t be sure where it shows elsewhere but do have a look at it.

    Aside from that @Baseball65 is as bright and shining as always. It’s well worth your time to read through his posts here.

    Plum x
  6. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

  7. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Hi ,

    Thanks for your post Baseball 65 ,i hear where your coming from with the being a parent thing i can resonate with that for sure.How ever my struggle with being mum dose not feel repressed. In fact my friends laugh at how brutally honest i am when people ask at play groups how I'm finding looking after two. I hate it ! is my response. I love my kids but really hate the relentless repetitive work of caring for them. I have almost no time to myself and I'm extremely frustrated ,and feel very aware of it.
    As for my relationship our difficulties come from being very different people who work and problem solve and relate in very different ways which is frustrating and annoying for us both.

    Im trying to work out if i do have repressed anger that I'm not aware of, or have my symptoms returned due to stress, or is it the drug ?
    Im still unsure how close the bodies reaction to stress is to say a tms symptom. Im guess they are closely linked.

    I do have a lot of stress in my life currently and both my pregnancy and births were full of trials.
    I have a lot of fear surrounding medication because of the traumatic times I've had in my past in withdrawal.
    So making any kind of alteration is a big fear trigger for me.
    So maybe having to make a change in my medication was the final push over my stress level coping skills.
    Can fear rather than anger be a tms symptom trigger.
    Trouble is i guess I'm also aware of the fear i have surrounding that.

    It feels maybe the trauma and head symptoms from my past experiences concerning medication are lodged in my body memory and so are giving me the symptoms I'm afraid of getting, which of course causes my stress and anxiety which feeds the symptom.The fear that it won't go away or that it will drive me mad is stressful or the quetioning that i need to make a change again or not.

    You can probably tell, i am a little confused.
    Thanks again Nelle
    ps ,i realise Jan's response was coming from a kind place, i was fortunate enough to have two and a half years of psychotherapy years ago and it was really good , just not possible currently.
  8. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

  9. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Hello Plum ,
    Yes i do remember you , and thank you for your response.
    I don't think Alan Gordon was about when i was last on this forum i will look him up for sure, thank you.
    I wrote a longer response on Baseball 65's comments which i would also put to you , my baby is bobbing around on my lap and not impressed with my divided attention. You replied to one of my posts before years ago explaining about the difference between stress and tms.

    Thank you again
    Nelle x
  10. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    Hi Nelle, I'm sorry to hear about the suffering you are going through. You have a lot on your plate darling. I would like to offer my thoughts about what may be happening with you.

    To me, your symptoms are clearly TMS. You have a lot of stress with two young children, unmanaged stressful dynamics in your relationship with your partner and trauma surrounding confusing alarming physical symptoms. You say that when you had morning sickness all day long the head sensations disappeared. This is great evidence for their psychological nature as the mind was already distracted.

    Also you have identified fear regarding the drugs side effects and the association with the drugs and the strange sensations you were having. TMS distracts by creating fear of the symptoms, not the symptoms themselves. Start to accept all symptoms and sensations calmly. Practice being with them without fear. You can use cognitive soothing such as reassuring yourself lovingly about the harmless nature of your symptoms like you would if your child was frightened about something. You can use somatic tracking as in mindfully acknowledging the physical symptom as you work on slowing your breathing and reassuring yourself.

    Try to find more time in the day to take care of yourself in ways that are relaxing and rejuvenating and allow yourself the space to get in touch with your own intuition about what you are needing at the moment in your life. We are here for you.
  11. nelle

    nelle Peer Supporter

    Thank you for your support and responce bird set free.
    I have taken on board what you have said , i think your last few setences of advice are crucial and needed it's just finding some space from my kids to do that. I don't feel like i get any time for myself in a week sometimes.

    nelle x

    could you let me know if you got to see this response from me as i am unsure if people are seeing my replies, thanks again
    birdsetfree likes this.
  12. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    This is something you might want to address. It is so important to be getting self care regularly and your kids will benefit as well by having a happy mom. Think about prioritising time for yourself every day no matter what. I know its complex with so much on your plate but it is doable and so necessary.

    You are worth it!

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