Day 13 #tms confessions. I want to change but don't know how to

[cookie_777]

Hi all,

I'm confused. Firstly because I went to see Dr. Rashbaum in New York. He told me that I have TMS, and that he was sure about it. I believe him, kind of, but seem to be in this terrible rut.

First of all, I'm stressed. All the time. I think I suffer from some form of anxiety, and some mild for of depression. I believe that it is TMS, most of the time, but genuinely do not have the time to keep digging into myself to write all these deep things. It's painful you know? Sometimes I'd rather not.

And it also kind of makes me feel hopeless, that the pain hasn't gone away even though I believe it is TMS. I feel like, ah, well, better just accept you'll always have pain, and that you'll always know it's in your mind. Does anyone understand what I'm saying?

I feel stressed all the time. Since I came to America I have been in flight or fight mode. As a black woman I constantly feel unsafe and because my family is so far from me and I am not from here, I'm stressed. I have the worst conversations with myself, i.e my sense of self esteem is so warped; I'm always thinking people are talking about me and trying to kill me. (Well not literally just the larger system of society, and maybe sometimes just generally yes I am stressed out about being black)

Basically, I have a terrible relationship with myself. I'm not happy. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. And everything in the world stresses me out. And envisioning a version of me that feels happy, joyful, and purposeful and lives through a day pain free, is like a whole dream to me. And it makes me so sad. It makes me want to give up and say, okay cookie, this pain is in your mind, but just live with it, because I don't know how else to make it go away.

I journal every other day (including this forum thing I do it every other day or every other three days), I started trying to meditate but I'm never consistent on that train because it takes sooo long to feel any effect of it. I havent exercised in months well mostly because of where I am. I hate everybody (including myself) and am afraid of everybody. I am a perfectionist, but also a goodist- always trying to not show my fear, rage and sadness. A good friend suggested I start doing affirmations and I tried yesterday and it all felt like a pack of lies. I just want to have a better relationship with myself but I am constantly in stressful environments where I am alone and have no support system to be there for me. It's exxhausting.

I literally feel like I'm broken, and I'm looking at Dr. Sarno's words and I just feel so so so so far away from healing. I want to change but don't know how to.



Any words?

 

[Saoirse]

Gosh cookie I felt for you reading your post. Everyone with TMS has a stressful journey to get us here in the first place and lots of us exhibit many traits just like you so your not on your own. Compassion for ourselves is so hard I still dont get what anyone would like about me so I perform to be liked but its so exhausting.
I have made the choice to put me first and even if it means getting up early or staying up late I will do this course and the writing daily. TMS trys so hard to out you off and to make you feel whats the point ,to give up and see so many difficulties in the whole thing that its way of keeping the whole TMS strategy alive. I know its been over a year of doing it on and off and finding every reason ;most of which I felt were real and genuine to stop me getting on board and sticking to the program .
Our brain got us into this problem and it can get us out as well.I just started with some lists ,and put some TMS theories around the house on the walls to read everytime I went past. I started with mindfulness years ago (John Kabitt Zinn Body Scan) is on youtube andt6he good thing about mindfulness is does not matter if you relax or are wound up it works on the brain exactly the same with the same therapeutic value so just do it for a 15 minute scan or 30 mins it works.I am devoting to it as a priority for the next 6 weeks as I cant live as I am . and Good things I find and relish. I don't know you but I do know you deserve to be loved by you and to be well and if there is an opportunity with TMS which there is; why not go for it ...fake it till you make it with the affirmations once again you dont have to live every word just go through the process ,it sticks in time. Its like training a dog repetition ,repetition ,repetition. In 11 days I have reduced my pain killers and if it can work for me !!! I'm going to make it happen (I dont feel that positive inside but i'm trying) . You are your own creation your mind makes the world we inhabit inside a reality and sometimes its just not nice but it is changeable.You are strong your in a new country, your are getting out and doing what you have to do, you have been there for you; for all that well done to you.