Hi all, I'm confused. Firstly because I went to see Dr. Rashbaum in New York. He told me that I have TMS, and that he was sure about it. I believe him, kind of, but seem to be in this terrible rut. First of all, I'm stressed. All the time. I think I suffer from some form of anxiety, and some mild for of depression. I believe that it is TMS, most of the time, but genuinely do not have the time to keep digging into myself to write all these deep things. It's painful you know? Sometimes I'd rather not. And it also kind of makes me feel hopeless, that the pain hasn't gone away even though I believe it is TMS. I feel like, ah, well, better just accept you'll always have pain, and that you'll always know it's in your mind. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I feel stressed all the time. Since I came to America I have been in flight or fight mode. As a black woman I constantly feel unsafe and because my family is so far from me and I am not from here, I'm stressed. I have the worst conversations with myself, i.e my sense of self esteem is so warped; I'm always thinking people are talking about me and trying to kill me. (Well not literally just the larger system of society, and maybe sometimes just generally yes I am stressed out about being black) Basically, I have a terrible relationship with myself. I'm not happy. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. And everything in the world stresses me out. And envisioning a version of me that feels happy, joyful, and purposeful and lives through a day pain free, is like a whole dream to me. And it makes me so sad. It makes me want to give up and say, okay cookie, this pain is in your mind, but just live with it, because I don't know how else to make it go away. I journal every other day (including this forum thing I do it every other day or every other three days), I started trying to meditate but I'm never consistent on that train because it takes sooo long to feel any effect of it. I havent exercised in months well mostly because of where I am. I hate everybody (including myself) and am afraid of everybody. I am a perfectionist, but also a goodist- always trying to not show my fear, rage and sadness. A good friend suggested I start doing affirmations and I tried yesterday and it all felt like a pack of lies. I just want to have a better relationship with myself but I am constantly in stressful environments where I am alone and have no support system to be there for me. It's exxhausting. I literally feel like I'm broken, and I'm looking at Dr. Sarno's words and I just feel so so so so far away from healing. I want to change but don't know how to. Any words?