TMS & Anger+Rage

[PeterO]

Hi TMSers.

Am really struggling with my anger & subsequent rage at my
TMS symptoms. As I attempt to make thinking, behavioural &
lifestyle changes I am constantly undone by overwhelming fury
for the extent that I have suffered. The sheer trauma & anguish,
not to mention life experiences lost, makes me want to take a
baseball bat to my unconscious mind & not relent. The build-up,
of 30 years of chronic pain, with minimal release, makes me feel
sickened. It seems such a cruel and unrelenting hoax.

Never mind Sarno's inner rage, mine is external & a monster.

TMS has made me an angry, frustrated person.

I have no pretension left.

Pete

 

[Bernard]

Hello Pete
Your post really resonates with me
I have become more and more angry and frustrated over the past 18 years
to the point that I am absolutely furious. Enraged.
I feel this intensely. Daily.
I turn this anger in on myself exclusively - in keeping with my people pleasing goodist traits.

I'd be interested to hear if that is also the case for you?

Any anyone else who feels their anger/rage/frustration self hate?
I think this is the main area i deviate from the 'general' (if there is such a thing..) TMS experience

Bernard

 

[PeterO]

Hi Bernard.

My intense rage has a formidable component of self
hate/judgement along with an escalating manic obsessive
quality. My pain feels combustable & me with it, almost
out of control.

At times, often following aggravating physical activity,
I go into a neurotic overdrive. Such episodes are overwhelmingly
intense & becoming more frequent. In fact I am in the middle
of one right now. I cannot think anything other.

It is kinda compulsive, repetitive, beyond distraction.

I am yet to find anything in TMS literature that directly
deals with my situation. I am hoping for some direction
here from TMSWiki contributors.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow
& will discuss with him.

Thanks for your reply.

Pete

 

[Gigalos]

Hi Peter,

In my opinion anger towards your own mind for having missed out on all those years because of pain and other discomforts is very natural. I wouldn't be surprised if many people here have dealt with it to a certain extent. How could you have done this to me? Well, your mind could ask "you" the same question....
I think it is a good thing to out your anger with the guidance of your psychologist, open the pressure valve so to say, but after that you need to accept the TMS and live in the present. You found the key to get better, better late than never. The years of pain are in the past, how much you may regret it, anger will not change it.
What helped with my personal anger, although not as bad as yours, is talking to your unconscious as if it is a little child inside you. Can you blame a little child for behaving the way it did? Forgive him and promise him to work on the things that bother him. I even hugged him in my mind and told him I love him, but also that things need to change to the benefit of both of us. May sound weird, but it really helped me a lot.

have a good session tomorrow,
gr. Gigalos

 

[Forest]

It could be that the self hate and judgement of your anger could be the driving force of your TMS. Anytime you judge yourself for having an emotion, you are repressing to some degree.

At the same time, I can understand how the symptoms can create anger, anxiety, and frustration. When you become angry with your symptoms or for what you have missed out on, you are only fueling the TMS. As you mentioned it is kinda compulsive, repetitive, beyond distraction. Anger can distract you from the underlying emotions.

One thing that may be helpful is practicing mindfulness and learning how to turn your thoughts from negative ones, i.e. I've missed out on so much because of my pain, to ones that are positive. Mindfulness can help you achieve this, especially in identifying when your anxiety level is increasing.

 

[PeterO]

Hi everyone.

Thank you for your generous responses.

Just this posting has revealed the depth of my psychological
angst, a long held feeling of low self worth & the emotional
and subsequent physical ramifications of such. Although, now
with increasing knowledge (& support) I am beginning to
understand the distance between knowledge and
behavioural/thinking, change seems overwhelming.

Just how to love myself & not continually experience
feelings of envy of other is a huge challenge. The TMS
experience requires the navigation of a complexed inventory
which I am finding a painful, but necessary journey, right
back to small boy of my unconscious & lived experience.
My body is now a confused testimony of unexpressed
feelings/emotions & unrealistic expectation of authentic self.

And yes Forest, just fuel to the TMS fire!!

I am grateful for this TMS forum & myself, with others,
for seeking beyond that which I find terrifying.

Pete

 

[Endless luke]

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I did read somewhere in Sarno that if the emotion is conscious than it's not what's causing the problem.

 

[Forest]

Great point Luke. When I read Sarno's books I get the sense that it is not all that important to figure out the thing that you are repressing, and to a large extent you can't. Accepting that your symptoms are caused by deeply repressed emotions and that they are benign is enough to recover. This approach worked for me, and why I think education is so important.

 

[PeterO]

Have difficulty just accepting benign, yet repressed emotions.

My inclination, fuelled by a manifest interest in the unconscious,
has me wanting to unravel it all. Combine this with unhelpful
perfectionist thinking, I believe that I have to trawl all repressed
emotions of my sweet little life to this to be authentic and effective.
Sometimes I think makes my TMS recovery unnecessarily complex
and exhausting.

I suspect underlying doubts about the TMS diagnosis
play a critical delay mechanism here.

I huff & I puff but cant quite blow that house down.....

 

[Leslie]

I huff & I puff but cant quite blow that house down.....

maybe that's the problem pete, maybe the house you're trying to blow down isn't the issue at all but since all your focus and energy is directing at its destruction you can't see the tiny dusty path on it's side that would lead you right around it?

 

[PeterO]

oh thank-you Leslie...

thinking today, it is as if I walk the path
of self-annihilation rather than renewal.
i have a default impulse to 'suffering', almost
a classic TMS distraction. on a certain level
i feel scared of getting better.

i am working today on some 'self love'.

my approach is slowly changing.

 

[Leslie]

i am working today on some 'self love'..

self love is an extremely hard concept for many of us but it gets easier and easier the more you practice it

my approach is slowly changing.

reward yourself for this! not only is it an act of self love, but it will help your conscious mind to remember that even the slowest of change is still progress!

 

[PeterO]

self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.
self love. self love. self love. self love. self love.


ps. just needing a bit today.

 

[yb44]

PeterO - sending you some love from the UK.

 

[Forest]

maybe that's the problem pete, maybe the house you're trying to blow down isn't the issue at all but since all your focus and energy is directing at its destruction you can't see the tiny dusty path on it's side that would lead you right around it?

Amazing analogy! A lot of times, we think we need to blow down the house, instead of recognizing that all we need to do to recover is walk around it. I tend to see the act of trying to uncover every little repressed emotion and memory as trying to blow down the house. You may get there, but it will take a really long time and a lot of frustration trying to do it. All you really need to do is walk around the house, and begin allowing more of your emotions to be present. Approaching it this way may lead to a lot less frustration.