Oh, gosh, I don't know if we're going to be able to get people to watch whole seasons of TV. I was just thinking that if people could remember a show or happened to watch it, perhaps they could bring it up here.
There was a Frasier episode called
Back Talk that was pure TMS. It happens on Frasier's birthday and his back "seizes up" when he blows out his birthdays candles. I can relate to that... aging is enraging... Here's the dialogue:
Martin: I know tonight's your party, but here. [lights a candle on a cupcake] Happy birthday! Make a wish.
Frasier: Oh Dad, thank you.
Frasier stands. He bends over the table to blow it out — and freezes.
Martin: What's the matter?
Frasier: My back! [in pain] It's completely seized up!
Martin: Well, here...
Martin guides him back down into his seat.
Frasier: My God! It's been a little tender lately. I went to see the
doctor last week, he told me there was absolutely nothing
wrong with it.
Martin: Oh, doctors never tell you anything, they're all just a bunch
of overpaid quacks. [off Frasier's glare] Oh, I'm sorry, I
don't mean you. I'm talking about real doctors!
Frasier: [after he gives Martin a look] How can this be happening to
me? I'm always so conscientious about back safety. Why,
just the other day when I needed that large heavy stack of
books from down in the storage room, I insisted that Daphne
make three trips.
Martin: Well, you know what, I've got that old girdle in my bedroom.
Let me go get it.
Frasier: Dad, wait, I'm not going to wear anything called a girdle.
Martin: What if I call it a back-brace?
Frasier: Get it!
Martin does so and leaves the scene to his room. Then the doorbell sounds. Frasier sits still motionless.
Frasier: [calls] Daphne!
However, she's not in. The doorbell rings twice more.
Frasier: Oh, God... Coming! [slowly gets up and edges to the door]
This wouldn't be taking me so long if my housekeeper were
here. [finally opens door to Daphne]
Daphne: I'm a physical therapist!
Frasier: Then perhaps you could get me into a chair!
Daphne: [supports him] Oh goodness, is your back bothering you again?
Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my keys.
Frasier: You know, perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep
at Donny's. For God's sake, you're practically living there
as it is.
Daphne: [guides him to sofa] Oh, now, Dr. Crane. You better get used
to it. Once I'm married, I will be living there. [then] I
know what'll help that back, a nice massage.
Martin enters with the girdle.
Martin: Here we go.
Daphne: Oh, the girdle! That'll help.
Martin: Now, it's kinda hard to put on by yourself. But if Daphne
holds one end and I hold the other, you can kinda spin into
it.
Frasier: Please Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.
Martin: What's humiliating about it? Look, you just hook it in the
back like a bra.
Frasier: Just give me that! [snatches it]
Frasier exits to his room struggling with the girdle.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?
Martin: No.
Daphne: Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, he's just cranky because of his back.
Daphne pours herself a cup of coffee, noticing the paper that Martin gave Frasier.
Daphne: Good Lord! Queen Elizabeth had another baby! I don't care
what science can do, it's just not right.
[N.B. A slight discontinuity here — Frasier's birth year has been given as 1952. Queen Elizabeth's second child, Princess Anne, was born in 1950, two years after her brother Charles. Elizabeth did not give birth again until 1960.]
FADE OUT Scene Two - Radio Station. Roz is preparing for the show in her booth. Connie enters Frasier's booth with some flowers for Frasier, as Frasier hobbles inside with her, he is using a cane.
Frasier: [referring to Connie placing the flowers on the console]
Oh, that'll be fine right there, be sure to thank the gang
for the flowers, Connie.
Connie: You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy Birthday. [exits]
Roz: [realizes] Birthday? [then quickly] Happy birthday, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Not off to the best start though, my back is
out.
Roz: Why don't you go home? We'll just air "The Best of Crane."
I'll drop your gift by later.
Frasier: No, no, Roz. I promised my listeners that I'd read a
birthday address.
Roz: [searching for a gift to give him] Well, people might have
forgotten, people do have busy lives, you know. [notices a book on the side]
Frasier: No, Roz, I announced it twice. Anyone paying the slightest
attention would know.
Roz takes a gift bag with shoes in it, empties the shoes out and puts the book inside the gift bag.
Frasier: What are you doing over there?
Roz: Just, wondering when to surprise you with your... present!
[holds up gift bag]
Roz enters Frasier's booth and hands it over.
Frasier: Oh, Roz.
Roz: Yes, now is as good a time as any.
Frasier: You know, we keep promising each other that we're not going
to do this. We've got to stop spoiling one another.
Roz: Well, what am I supposed to do? Just forget your birthday?
Frasier: [looks at book] Oh, Good Lord, Roz. You know, I read the
most wonderful review of this recently.
Roz: I hope you like it.
Frasier: Oh look, you've inscribed it.
Roz: [worried] I did?
Frasier: [reads] "You'll always be my baby."
Roz: I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.
Frasier: [reads] "Love, Mom."
Roz, ashamed, goes back to her tasks as Niles enters with a gift bag.
Niles: There's our bent and broken birthday boy.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: I've brought you a little gift. Say hello to sweet salvation,
the "Lumbar Log."
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. [takes it and props it behind his back]
I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.
Niles: Well, that's very possible. Birthdays can be anxiety-
provoking, especially for people of a certain age.
Frasier: I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the
middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age"
for another ten years.
Roz: You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a
magazine article with an exercise that might help. You
just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list all
the things that bug you.
Frasier: In what esteemed medical journal did you find this little
tidbit - "Cosmo"?
Roz: No, [proudly] "Glamour"!
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of
lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find
my G-spot."
Roz: I said do it someplace private!
Niles: You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it's absurd.
Niles: Hmm, the more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's
something you're trying to avoid.
Roz: Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles. You know, the same
article said if you rub a raw potato...
Niles: If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.
Roz: OK.
Frasier: Nobody's going to sell me on anything. That sort of exercise
only helps people who lack self awareness. I for one am...
[spasm of pain] God almighty!
Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe
to run.
Roz: Thirty seconds, Frasier. [enters her booth]
Niles: All right, I'll be off. You take care of yourself, I'll see
you tonight. [exits]
Roz: Are you sure you're up to this?
Frasier: Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.
Roz: How did you do it anyway?
Frasier: Blowing out a cupcake.
Roz: You know, Frasier, we can always put on "The Best of Crane."
Frasier: No, no, Roz. Now, just have a little bit of faith in me.
I'm a lot tougher than that. Tell you what, if I feel like
I need help towards the end of the show, I'll give you a
little signal, all right? [shows her an example of her signal]
Roz: All right, five seconds.
Frasier: Gosh you know, these flowers really are beautiful. [on air]
Good afternoon, Seattle.
Frasier takes a sniff of the flowers, causing him to sneeze, forcing his back to move and causing him to scream in pain. He sneezes again and screams again as Roz puts a hand to her earphones. He sneezes a third time and falls off his chair in agony. Niles runs in from the corridor as Frasier rolls around on the floor. His hand comes up from under the console and signals Roz. FADE TO:
EDWARD CRANE, PH.D.
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. The apartment is empty as Frasier enters on the shoulder of Niles.
Niles: Hello! Anyone here? [no reply]
Frasier: I guess they're all out.
Niles: [hurrying across room to sofa] Okay, well let's just get you
settled!
Frasier: Niles, Niles, slow down. For God's sake, we're not running a
three-legged race. [falls onto sofa] Do you have somewhere
to be?
Niles: Well, since you bring it up, I do have a luncheon with my
new lady love.
Frasier: Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to have my pain stand in the way of
that! How could that orthopedist of yours tell me there was
nothing wrong?
Niles: Frasier, I looked at the x-rays myself, this is not a skeletal
problem. There, now you're all fine and I'm sure Dad will be
by soon.
Frasier: No, wait. This couch has absolutely no support. [points to chair with ottoman] Let's try that chair over there, please.
Niles: All right. [picks him up] You're not heavy, you're my brother.
Niles and Frasier slowly move over to the chair.
Frasier: How could you take me to that unprofessional hack? All he did
was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers. He didn't
care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted
to shut me up!
Niles: I think it might be time for one of those pills!
He settles Frasier on the chair in a most obscure way. He is kneeling on the ottoman with his forehead resting on the chair back. He looks like a contortionist.
Niles: All comfy?
Frasier: This won't do, it's even harder than a seat on a public bus.
Niles: Oh, when were you ever on a bus?
Frasier: At a cocktail party once for the "Friends of Transit."
Niles: I wasn't invited to that.
Frasier: Will you just help me up, for God's sake! [he does] Oh God,
you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.
Niles: All right, I'll get you a glass of water, okay?
Frasier: Right.
Niles rushes into the kitchen and talks from offstage. Whilst Niles is speaking Frasier takes the pills from his pockets and wanders over to Martin's chair slowly.
Niles: [o.s.] You know, things are really going well with Mel. I've
been out with her almost every night. I don't want to jinx
things but I dare say we're well on our way to becoming what
might almost pass as an item.
Frasier falls down into Martin's chair as Niles enters with a glass of water.
Niles: I mean it, Frasier, she is just the... [notices him] Oh my God,
did you fall?!
Frasier: No, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. And look, there's
no glare on the television... and here's a lovely place to set
your drink. [he does]
Niles: Just give me your hand and whatever the chair's telling you,
don't listen.
Frasier: No, it's helping my back actually. You know, and when you
sit in it, you don't have to look at it.
Niles: If you're really interested in correcting this problem and
not just medicating it, you should consider that technique
Roz mentioned - you know, listing your problems aloud.
Frasier: Oh, give me a break.
Niles: It's perfectly possible that this is connected to some
submerged anxiety. What's bothering you?
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles, you really expect me to sit here all alone
in some apartment, prattling on endlessly about my problems
like some sort of a lunatic. [Niles slowly leaves unnoticed by Frasier] If you think I'm going to do that, you're the
one who needs to get his head examined...
He notices Niles's disappearance. Then Frasier sits quietly before Eddie runs from behind him and jumps onto his knee.
Frasier: Oh, good God! Oh, Eddie, please just shoo! Get off me, get
off me!
Eddie jumps onto the sofa and stares at him.
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well,
here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me...
I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me,
but not as much as people seem to think. [takes pills] I'm
still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share
my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and
Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married
soon. That's going to be tough on Dad.
Pause.
Frasier: Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been
nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been
going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate
woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque
with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably
be twice as lonely. Well, it's quite a realization, isn't
it?
Daphne walks on in her dressing gown fresh from a shower, unnoticed by Frasier.
Frasier: I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got
to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the
chance.
Daphne, worried by these comments, walks back to her room again.
Frasier: Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the
painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try
this. [pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair]
Ah...
It's got the classic elements of goodism, and the type T personality as well.
By the end of the show he is better. The full transcript is here:
http://www.kacl780.net/frasier/transcripts/season_7/episode_10/back_talk_1.html
