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Those constant symptoms...

Diana-M said:
But all I can think is maybe there’s something about HOW I SEE the WORLD that is contributing to my inner rage. Maybe I expect more than life can really offer?
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Diana, you seem to be most well when you are able to enjoy small experiences and moments throughout the day despite symptoms. You have a resilient spirit that is moving more and more into the light no matter what is going on with symptoms. You often express having had moments of contentment or delight or joy as well as times of pain and distress. I think you are moving toward more and more consistency in the everyday being a little bit better, bit by bit, over time, and toward eventually more consistent happiness.

This makes me think that no, you don't expect more than life can really offer -- you are actually becoming better and better at enjoying and appreciating it. You are starting to *see it more clearly.* The joy and the rage both. Even when symptoms get you down, another day you will be back a little closer to the sunny side...

Today something really hilarious happened. Our neighbor called and said there was a chicken on her porch. We ran over and caught the chicken. Turns out it was not our chicken. Turns out ANOTHER NEIGHBOR HAS SECRET CHICKENS. Because the Chicken Inspector (no, I'm not even joking) is such a jerk that these neighbors decided to hide their chickens instead of cooperating with the town Chicken Code (again, not joking).

As my husband handed over the chicken, he said wistfully, "It really is a beautiful chicken, though..."

I laughed and laughed and laughed. What could be better? No, we don't expect too much out of life, because *just a hilarious chicken experience* is enough to make it absolutely worth living.

There's so much joy awaiting still.

Keep going, sister!
 
My run yesterday left me limping so I'm thinking maybe actual hamstring tear at this point. Who knows. I think I'm throwing my hands up. I'll be having a scan next week to figure out what's going on.

Years ago I was willing to take time off and come back to running, but I don't think I'm willing this time. Not sure what changed but I have no desire to start from scratch now.
 
Rusty Red said:
My run yesterday left me limping so I'm thinking maybe actual hamstring tear at this point. Who knows. I think I'm throwing my hands up. I'll be having a scan next week to figure out what's going on.

Years ago I was willing to take time off and come back to running, but I don't think I'm willing this time. Not sure what changed but I have no desire to start from scratch now.
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So sorry to hear that, Rusty!
 
Rusty Red said:
Years ago I was willing to take time off and come back to running, but I don't think I'm willing this time. Not sure what changed but I have no desire to start from scratch now.
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This is catastrophic thinking. You won't be "starting from scratch" if you take a break - and there are things you can do in the meantime to keep fitness (cross training). On that, I'm curious, are you getting any of these symptoms from your cross training?
 
Mr Hip Guy said:
This is catastrophic thinking. You won't be "starting from scratch" if you take a break - and there are things you can do in the meantime to keep fitness (cross training). On that, I'm curious, are you getting any of these symptoms from your cross training?
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My only cross training is weight lifting, and yes, I get the symptoms there too. It's not even just my hamstring and glute, it's all down my leg at this point.

I don't even know how long of a break to take at this point. My scan isn't until the 4th.
 
so it sounds like your symptoms are all over the place - originally it was your shins and now it's the hamstring? You have to see that as a red flag for TMS.
 
P.S. Try some Elliptical or Treadmill Incline walking (15% @ 3-4mph) and see what the symptoms feel like. You can get your heartrate up in either of those just about as easy as running.
 
Mr Hip Guy said:
so it sounds like your symptoms are all over the place - originally it was your shins and now it's the hamstring? You have to see that as a red flag for TMS.
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No, it was the hamstring first. I was diagnosed with tendinopathy a few years ago in my left hamstring, along with FAI, labral tear, arthritis. Shins are recent. After my run yesterday my hamstring is in flames and it's radiating down my calf and Achilles.

No elliptical but I can try the treadmill walking tomorrow instead of my run, I guess; normally do my runs on the treadmill too, I took it outside yesterday because I'm trying to get more outdoor running in to better prepare for races. I don't think I want to try weight lifting at this point any more.
 
If you train by heartrate, your zones will be very similar on Incline Treadmill walking as they will be for running. And if you don't train by HR, then 4mph at 15% is roughly 9-915 min/mile equivalent. It's a great method of cross training, especially if you're used to the boredom of the treadmill already.
 
Okay. Thinking the incline is not going to be great for the hamstring though.

Just trying to decide how long I will need to take off running.
 
Try to view what you just posted through a TMS lens. For the first part you're already sabotaging before you've even attempted it. And the 2nd part is more catastrophic thinking.

Instead see if you can look at this as an investigative experiment worth trying.
 
Rusty surely you can see the dysfunctional thinking here. You’re in pain, you feel this compulsion to exercise to what sounds like an intense degree, the pain has you spiraling thinking there is some terrible diagnosis awaiting, but the compulsion keeps you from resting or taking breaks out of fear of ‘starting from scratch’ which @Mr Hip Guy pointed out the flaws. I’ve seen the Einstein quote floated about here about trying to solve a problem from the same degree of consciousness that created it. Something has to give.

When was the last time you’ve taken any extensive break from these exercises and trainings and reflected on your mentality towards these hobbies? A break, even an extensive one doesn’t mean it’s gone forever, or your self worth in relation to this hobby has to be obliterated.

I’m not trying to shit on you, I know you’ve stated you enjoy these activities. But it just seems like they’re driving stress and anxiety. I went through something similar last year in relation to martial arts, as I gave them up in response to pain that I caused by getting an elective surgery. My self worth took a huge hit when I stopped them, but those feelings (at least in relation to specific activities) can fade if we let them. And I’m reaching a point where I think I’m ready to resume kick boxing, but from a healthier perspective, that all this work and these experiences have taught me.

you deserve true healing
 
My understanding from the medical side is complete rest isn't great for a tendon, but at this point I guess it doesn't matter. I just want out of pain. Not exercising is definitely going to take a hit on my mental health but it is what it is.
 
Rusty Red said:
My understanding from the medical side is complete rest isn't great for a tendon, but at this point I guess it doesn't matter. I just want out of pain. Not exercising is definitely going to take a hit on my mental health but it is what it is.
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But it doesn’t have to be complete rest. There are a whole host of exercises and hobbies and activities that can physically engage us. We can get a very narrow view of ourselves and what we can do. In June 2024, before I got the vasectomy I was the martial arts and basketball guy, I lifted weights and was in physically great shape, that’s where my little self worth was. Now I’m the yoga guy who sometimes swims, lol. I don’t think I could’ve imagined I’d be here a year and a half ago but I’d say I’m in a much better place mentally. We need to give ourselves the opportunity to make changes and seemingly make ‘regressions’ and see where they lead.

letting go of things doesn’t mean they’re gone forever
 
Thanks. Unfortunately it hurts too much to do anything at this point.

I was sincerely hoping to try for a full marathon again next fall but with the time I think I'll be down here and having to start way back on training, I'm guessing that won't happen. I won't know until the scan next week if I have stress fractures as well.
 
Rusty Red said:
Thanks. Unfortunately it hurts too much to do anything at this point.

I was sincerely hoping to try for a full marathon again next fall but with the time I think I'll be down here and having to start way back on training, I'm guessing that won't happen. I won't know until the scan next week if I have stress fractures as well.
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Well I wish you the best. But I sincerely hope you can reflect on your mindset and outlets. Because even in what you just wrote, I get the feeling of the self imposed pressure and expectations you put on yourself, two things that don’t go well for us tmsers.

I hope the tests go well.
 
It's not really pressure. It's something I enjoy and wish I could maintain. But I am where I am. Overuse makes no sense because nothing has changed in my training but somehow that's where I landed.

Thank you for the well wishes.
 
Good stuff @Rabscuttle !

Rusty Red - You know I get it with the "wanting to do a marathon" goal. There's so much there that I can relate to. Putting a concrete goal on the calendar (like registering for a marathon does), structures your life leading up to the marathon...you need to set up a training pan, then follow the plan, and all of that feeds the TMS brain's need for surety and certainty because you're "following a plan." But then injuries come up (real or TMS) and suddenly it's "oh noes I'm hurting and I need to take a break, all is lost!"

It doesn't have to be that way. You have several options here, one of which is to keep the marathon as a goal while you determine the extent of your injuries, and cross train in the meantime. The side benefit is the cross training gives you something to do, and also provides a test environment to investigate what is really going on. And you might find that you enjoy it!
 
Rusty Red said:
It's not really pressure. It's something I enjoy and wish I could maintain. But I am where I am. Overuse makes no sense because nothing has changed in my training but somehow that's where I landed.

Thank you for the well wishes.
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Rusty these are your own words

“Years ago I was willing to take time off and come back to running, but I don't think I'm willing this time. Not sure what changed but I have no desire to start from scratch now.”

If a friend came up to you and was saying something similar in regards to their physical outlet, while dealing with your pain, how would you perceive that statement?
 
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