Hi everyone, I hate to post something so bleak, but I don't know where else to turn. I am hoping that by being honest on here, maybe there will be others who can relate. I don't want to go into the whole story, suffice it to say I have had pain and other symptoms for almost fifteen year, since I turned 18, and they all started after a hamstring tear that I never saw a doctor for, rested or iced, or PT'd or anything. I just ignored it, as there wasn't much pain at the time, just discomfort, and then the symptoms started a couple months later behind the knee/lower hamstring. It felt like my knee was being pushed by a weight when lying in bed and felt very sharp and tight and burning and weak when I walked and tried to work out. From there the whole nightmare began. I feel so convinced that the pain and other symptoms in my body are due to my body healing wrong and altering my bio-mechanics, especially because I was young (as if maybe my muscles and bones were still developing), because I didn't tend to the injury properly, and because I was drinking and doing drugs at the time. Here are my chronic symptoms that have never let up, even when I have been more successful with TMS therapy and ignored them: (all in my left side only - never moved to my right) -nerve tingling in lower left leg always there (when I press on outer ankle or shave or am touched there I always feel electric nerve tingling in ankle into foot) - itchy lower leg, other nerve sensations in low leg and foot -clicking left knee upon bending and straightening, clicking left "ring-pinky" toe when I walk, sort of like a neuroma feeling - always present from the moment I step out of bed -feeling of being imbalanced from left side to right side from low back all the way to foot -weakness, sharpness, burning, pain, tightness from glutes down to back of knee - whenever I bend, straighten both legs in bed, etc. the left side is noticeably tight, weak, heavy, etc., that feeling of a weight being put over my knee, as if unstable, unsupported, weak tendons, ligaments, etc. who knows... (very hard to describe) -limited range of motion while walking in left leg -while walking pain seems to get worse in left side of low back, as if body is altered, thrown off, imbalanced and affecting top half of my body The PAIN is sometimes worse or better, and certain pains come and go, but those main symptoms are always there. As if they are what my leg has become. The left leg just feels structurally altered. I don't know how else to say it. I am not imagining this pain or these symptoms. I have done TMS work for many years. I have done tons of therapy with several different therapists, including a TMS therapist. I have bawled my eyes out and raged and on many levels forgiven. I have done tons of writing, journaling, meditating. I am in twelve step recovery for alcoholism for many years now and have done quite a bit of soul searching, family healing, etc. I don't deny at all that I have a TMS personality and a background of trauma, depression, anxiety, and addiction. I just am SO CONFUSED as to why I have never been able to heal from this chronic pain. I know it's my inability to accept the diagnosis completely - I want to, but I just can't yet. It doesn't feel like just a pain in my body, it feels so structural, like something is forever altered in my body and that it is my fault for having an injury and not seeing a doctor about it. I have immense anger and regret about this pain. I feel it has ruined my young life. I feel so desperate sometimes and like life is not worth living. I feel really broken. Worse so, I still smile to the world. I don't even know how to share these feelings with my fiance. I am afraid it will scare him too much. I can't get past how structural it feels. I know it isn't skeletal, per se, but it feels as if the soft tissue and nerves have been forever altered and changed. I have been living with this since I was eighteen. I am 32. It feels too late. Do I just accept that these symptoms are here to stay and try to live a life around it? I feel too frustrated believing I could one day be free from this, because it feels like false hope and setting myself up for disappointment. I wish I had better news. In all other areas of my life, I would consider myself a "success." This just feels like doom following me wherever I go. I appreciate any insight. I am open. Please be kind. But I can take brutal honesty, too.