This is my last try before I commit suicide

[justlikezeus]

I've had interstitial cystitis/pelvic floor dysfunction since 2020. In July 2025 I received Botox injections to my pelvic floor. I have been in nearly non-stop unbearable pain and experienced non-stop urinary urgency and, starting in October, burning. I've been on antibiotics for months, seen so many doctors, been in PT since October, nothing has worked.

I'm looking into getting a PRT therapist but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm so close to giving up. I want to be free I want my life to go back to the way it was before the Botox. I don't even want to be pain free I just want to go back.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Hi Zeus. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, truly. Are you on pain meds, have you been on pain meds, if so have they helped?

how familiar are you with TMS and all this stuff? Have you tried the SEP on this site or any other programs? If you are confident that what you are dealing with is in fact TMS, then you taking antibiotics or doing PT when there is no actual identifiable issue is sending a confusing message to the brain. I understand you are in a ton of discomfort, a bunch of pain and turmoil, there isn’t much I or anyone can do to soothe what you’re dealing with but it is possible to get through this. First you need to find a way to calm yourself down. The TMS brain doesn’t respond well to pressure or threats, and real thoughts of suicide aren’t going to force your brain into submission, it will make it panic more and keep the sensations going.

I think the priority here needs to be talking to a doctor who willing to get you on pain meds (temporarily) to bring you down a peg or two (assuming you’re not on anything) and then diving in deep into the TMS world. Also stopping all physical treatments/meds that aren’t helping. As well as talking with a therapist. Suicidal ideation is super common in this space (been there) and it is difficult to navigate alone.

and a last tidbit, us tmsers have a bad habit of wishing for a past that wasn’t actually good, and imagining a future that will never be good, while our present is simultaneously us obsessing over symptoms. You need to find a way of finding some joy in the present. And I know how utterly ludicrous it sounds. When you find a way to find a measure of peace and happiness in spite of your current pain level you are on the road to recovery.

 

[justlikezeus]

Hi Zeus. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, truly. Are you on pain meds, have you been on pain meds, if so have they helped?

how familiar are you with TMS and all this stuff? Have you tried the SEP on this site or any other programs? If you are confident that what you are dealing with is in fact TMS, then you taking antibiotics or doing PT when there is no actual identifiable issue is sending a confusing message to the brain. I understand you are in a ton of discomfort, a bunch of pain and turmoil, there isn’t much I or anyone can do to soothe what you’re dealing with but it is possible to get through this. First you need to find a way to calm yourself down. The TMS brain doesn’t respond well to pressure or threats, and real thoughts of suicide aren’t going to force your brain into submission, it will make it panic more and keep the sensations going.

I think the priority here needs to be talking to a doctor who willing to get you on pain meds (temporarily) to bring you down a peg or two (assuming you’re not on anything) and then diving in deep into the TMS world. Also stopping all physical treatments/meds that aren’t helping. As well as talking with a therapist. Suicidal ideation is super common in this space (been there) and it is difficult to navigate alone.

and a last tidbit, us tmsers have a bad habit of wishing for a past that wasn’t actually good, and imagining a future that will never be good, while our present is simultaneously us obsessing over symptoms. You need to find a way of finding some joy in the present. And I know how utterly ludicrous it sounds. When you find a way to find a measure of peace and happiness in spite of your current pain level you are on the road to recovery.

I'm not on opioids but I'm on amitriptyline and gabapentin. I'm not willing to stop my antibiotics or PT - pelvic pt is more about calming down nervous system and muscles.

I see a therapist twice a week and am in DBT group. Nothing helps. I'm so close to giving up.

 

[Rabscuttle]

I'm not on opioids but I'm on amitriptyline and gabapentin. I'm not willing to stop my antibiotics or PT - pelvic pt is more about calming down nervous system and muscles.

I see a therapist twice a week and am in DBT group. Nothing helps. I'm so close to giving up.

Do you think what you have is TMS?

I’m going to be totally frank, there is literally zero point in being on antibiotics unless there is an indication that there is some infection. Not conjecture by a doctor, actual verifiable lab results. Doctors will sometimes prescribe certain types because they have secondary antiinflammatory effects, but the question is why do you have inflammation? And regardless of whether you have inflammation the antibiotics have shown zero ability to help. All they’re doing is filling your head with some nonsense that I’m assuming some doctor said you might have an embedded infection despite zero indication in lab work.

and honestly the same for pt, you’ve been going for 5 months and have seen no improvement yet are cling to it being the answer to help calm your nervous system and muscles? Why are the muscles tense? Why is your nervous system in fight or flight?

your brain is the thing causing all this, not the muscles in your pelvic region.

you’re handing over your agency to others who have shown no ability to help you. These are core ideas of what Sarno taught.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

and honestly the same for pt, you’ve been going for 5 months and have seen no improvement yet are cling to it being the answer to help calm your nervous system and muscles?

This is what stood out for me - you say you're not willing to stop things which by your own admission aren't working ("nothing helps") - and then you say that you are helpless. Rabscuttle's commentary is sound (assuming it is TMS - which you need to determine and decide for yourself), I guess it's a case of how badly you want to get better and if you're willing to pivot off a strategy that as you said isn't getting you anywhere.I too had pelvic pain for 6 years that turned out to be TMS and wasted years at the PT.

Please take care of yourself and your mental health as best you can.

 

[Rabscuttle]

This is what stood out for me - you say you're not willing to stop things which by your own admission aren't working ("nothing helps") - and then you say that you are helpless. Rabscuttle's commentary is sound (assuming it is TMS - which you need to determine and decide for yourself), I guess it's a case of how badly you want to get better and if you're willing to pivot off a strategy that as you said isn't getting you anywhere.

I too had pelvic pain for 6 years that turned out to be TMS and wasted years at the PT.

Yeah Pudendal neuralgia/IC was my first major symptom before being TMS aware. Then scrotal/pelvic pain following a vasectomy which imploded my world and led me here. I remember before becoming TMS aware doing pelvic stretches for 30 minutes everyday for months thinking that would be the answer. It never did anything. I think a problem is that we’ll see something online-oh so and so had a similar issue and got better with pelvic stretching or pt surely that will work for me. So we try and it’s not working and we fall into despair. Some of those people absolutely can have a physical issue that may be helped by PT (personally I’m more than a little skeptical of physical therapy for lots of stuff) but some ( many?) are dealing with TMS but their nervous systems aren’t totally out of wack and their symptoms may resolve from placebos or the empathy of a physical therapist or the soothing of stretching, and it’s just enough to bring the nervous system threshold down a notch and reduce physical symptoms. Unfortunately those people, being unaware of the root issue, are vulnerable to further symptoms especially as life stresses pile up.

however for people like us (on this forum) our nervous systems are totally completely out of wack and have been for some time. You don’t get this degree of discomfort that has you considering taking your own life unless things have been amiss for sometime. And for us physical treatments and placebos aren’t going to do anything, because the root issue is not being addressed.

 

[BloodMoon]

Hi @justlikezeus

Like @Rabscuttle, I too suffered pudendal neuralgia-like pain (for a long time) as one of a myriad of tension symptoms. I'm female and post-menopausal, and mine came on after using an electrical 'kegel' (pelvic floor muscle exercising) device on medical advice. The pelvic floor needs balanced tension for organ support—kegels can overwork muscles and disturb that balance, and Botox can too by temporarily paralysing some muscles during which time others compensate and strengthen, throwing things out of whack.

Mind/body work (releasing emotional tension which in turn reduces and releases bodily tension/discomfort) plus this technique described in the article below helped me recover (the link to the website is broken so I can't reference the author of the article):

"DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR TONGUE HABITS EFFECT YOUR PELVIC FLOOR?

The hypoglossal neurons that innervate the tongue are coordinated with the phrenic neurons that control the diaphragm.

What the heck does that mean?

It means your tongue, its position and activity throughout the day has the power to automatically or deliberately activate the diaphragm, signalling it to lower so you can breathe better!

Struggling to breathe with the diaphragm, place your tongue on the roof of your mouth behind your teeth. Then it can better tell the diaphragm, “Hey dude, contract so you can suck air into the lungs.”

Using our diaphragm to breathe all day long ALSO tells the pelvic floor to move up and down through ITS full range of motion.

What happens when we don’t breathe with the diaphragm?

Shallow breathing up into the neck and shoulders tells the nervous system to RAMP UP, making muscles twitchy leading to more pain and tense, stiff muscles, increased symptoms too!

SO if you have pelvic floor problems... one of the BEST things you can start doing is practicing keeping your tongue [on] the roof of your mouth throughout your day to become a more effective nasal/diaphragmatic breather.

By facilitating better breathing through the nose and with the diaphragm you help your pelvic floor move through its full range of motion so that it remains supple and responsive.

A normal resting tongue position really is key for relaxing your pelvic floor and jaw and can be found by placing your tongue against the roof of your mouth as if making a “clucking/clicking” sound. Ideally the front 1/3 of the tongue should rest upwards, just behind the front teeth."

Making the letter 'n' sound (you can just say it softly to yourself) also puts your tongue in the optimum position. I tagged checking my tongue position on to doing normal things throughout my day, e.g. after brushing my teeth, before and after going to the bathroom, after finishing talking to someone on the phone, etc., so that I wouldn't forget to 'pepper' doing it as part of my routine.

Don't expect instant relief from all the discomfort—the muscles concerned need time to re-adjust—but making a point of doing this regularly throughout my day over time made a profound impact for me, coupled with doing mind/body work which worked to ease my general mental and physical tension and to also gradually lose a load of other mind/body symptoms.

 

[Joulegirl]

I had pelvic pain and do not have it anymore except for minor flare ups. I went to a Pelvic PT for two years and she was great. However, when I went to her I would get better for a week or two and then have to go right back when another flare happened. When I learned about TMS and realized that my pelvic pain was nothing more than TMS, I stopped going to Pelvic PT. It was so hard cause that was my only hope of at least feeling somewhat better. I did breakdown and go one time during a particular hard flare and when I left the PT, I told myself I would never go back. Not that she did anything wrong, but after learning about TMS and then going to PT, it didn't make any sense why it was helping me feel better. The pain was in my head. I never went back and to this day if I get a flare it is minor and I am able to not be afraid of it and it does not last long. I went from pain levels being a 12/10 and in tears crying to light flares that can pop up but don't stop me.

Like you, I uttered many times that if I was dead I would be out of pain when I was in the middle of the worst pain. And I meant it. Which means I know how you feel. You need to talk to someone about this and if your current therapy is not working, it's time to find one that does work for you. There are specific TMS coaches and therapist out there. In fact, this website lists them: https://www.symptomatic.me/practitioner-directory#!directory/map/ord=rnd

Your first step is deciding it is TMS. After that you do have a lot of options and advice to look into on this post. Good luck and I hope you start feeling better!

 

[HealingNow]

Hey @justlikezeus

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I just thought I'd share a couple of thoughts from my own experience...

1. I was on amitriptyline and also had dark thoughts, to the point I called paramedics and the Samaritans. You may or may not know its actually a common side effect of the medication so if you're taking this you might want to discuss with your doctor whether they can help you with the side effect or switching meds.

It sounds like you're grieving your old life. I was there too, I so wanted to get back to who I was before. Can I ask a question... who are you grieving?​

2. In my experience, I grieved the person that could work until 2am and get ahead in her career, I grieved being unstoppable and unbreakable. I grieved waking up with no fatigue and chasing adrenaline filled activities to feel alive. I no longer grieve that person, I pity her. How lonely and disassociated she was. I pity how she had no boundaries and would chase work to feel valuable. I pity her letting people physically beat her up.

I am so proud and grateful I went through / going through these symptoms to fully understand that the life I was leading were not serving me. My symptoms served a purpose to be able to move on.

I love the person I am becoming.


3. When I first started on this journey I was seeking out ANYONE and EVERYONE who could fix me. I was externalising my pain, and just wanted someone or something to fix me. Once I learned I can fix myself, I stopped all physio, injections, doctors, scans, tests chiros.

Learning you can internalise and fix myself gave me significant power.

I believe in you.

4. If you need to reach out to a helpline, do.

There are thousands of people who have recovered, Chronic means Persistent, it does not mean forever.

5. If you're in a lot of fear. The goal is to let go.

Once I stopped chasing away the pain, I became at peace with it it finally started to give me back the control. I started to teach my body it could be safe with me.

6. I left all toxic facebook groups, instagram reels etc which were super damaging (nocebos)
​

There are plenty of people on this forum who've been there, and come out the other side. I have no doubt you'll be one of them soon.

 

[HealingMe]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. There really is nothing I can say that can ease your pain. I've been where you are. It really is difficult but you have to reignite your spark again. Take baby steps. You must soothe yourself. Immerse yourself in something you love or loved doing. Accept where you are right now and pursue life to the best of your ability despite the pain and despite the thoughts. It doesn't have to perfect. Don't monitor it. Take breaks if you need to. Pick yourself up again the next day and take another step. You can do this.

 

[cafe_bustelo]

Hey @justlikezeus

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I just thought I'd share a couple of thoughts from my own experience...

1. I was on amitriptyline and also had dark thoughts, to the point I called paramedics and the Samaritans. You may or may not know its actually a common side effect of the medication so if you're taking this you might want to discuss with your doctor whether they can help you with the side effect or switching meds.

It sounds like you're grieving your old life. I was there too, I so wanted to get back to who I was before. Can I ask a question... who are you grieving?​

2. In my experience, I grieved the person that could work until 2am and get ahead in her career, I grieved being unstoppable and unbreakable. I grieved waking up with no fatigue and chasing adrenaline filled activities to feel alive. I no longer grieve that person, I pity her. How lonely and disassociated she was. I pity how she had no boundaries and would chase work to feel valuable. I pity her letting people physically beat her up.

I am so proud and grateful I went through / going through these symptoms to fully understand that the life I was leading were not serving me. My symptoms served a purpose to be able to move on.

I love the person I am becoming.


3. When I first started on this journey I was seeking out ANYONE and EVERYONE who could fix me. I was externalising my pain, and just wanted someone or something to fix me. Once I learned I can fix myself, I stopped all physio, injections, doctors, scans, tests chiros.

Learning you can internalise and fix myself gave me significant power.

I believe in you.

4. If you need to reach out to a helpline, do.

There are thousands of people who have recovered, Chronic means Persistent, it does not mean forever.

5. If you're in a lot of fear. The goal is to let go.

Once I stopped chasing away the pain, I became at peace with it it finally started to give me back the control. I started to teach my body it could be safe with me.

6. I left all toxic facebook groups, instagram reels etc which were super damaging (nocebos)
​

There are plenty of people on this forum who've been there, and come out the other side. I have no doubt you'll be one of them soon.

Dang, I’m bookmarking this post, I feel like no. 2 was a reminder I badly needed today. Thank you.