Today I wrote an unsent letter to my mother – who I now believe rejected me from the time I was quite a young child right through until just before her death three years ago when I was 59 years old. From the time I was a little girl she told me that I was like her mother whom she despised. She told me that I was dangerous, destructive and manipulative and before I was married, took me out for a “special” meal and told me that I must always work away from home or I would destroy any children that I might have. She became an alcoholic in her middle years and actually told me it was my fault. Not long before she died, she told me that I only turned out okay because she and Dad channelled my dangerous personality traits into more positive attributes. I know that I am not like she said at all – I have better relationships with my three adult children than she ever had with any of us. I truly do not believe that I am manipulative and when I asked my brother recently, he was amazed that she would ever have said that of me as he said it was totally untrue. But I certainly am a people pleaser in a big way and throughout her life, I always sought Mum’s approval. I have always hated myself and seen myself as some loathsome and dangerous creature. Thanks to this SEP program, I now realise that I have repressed anger, frustration and sadness at her rejection, and that these without any doubt have caused my TMS pain. As I was writing this letter, I realised that the physical pain I have experienced really correlates to my emotional self. What led me to TMS in the first place was chronic RSI in both arms: perhaps symbolic of my inner child reaching out to be loved and nurtured? I’ve also had ongoing knee pain – does this mirror my inability to stand on my own 2 feet and walk away into my own life without seeking the approval of my mother, in fact of everyone? Does my shoulder pain reflect how heavy this burden has been to carry all my life? And do my headaches mirror the battleground between my mind and brain – my struggle to keep these painful emotions under wraps all these years? I can see now that Mum was a very unhappy woman and in great physical and emotional pain most of her life. I have the intention to forgive her, although I don’t actually feel it (!!) at this point, but I am aware that I wouldn’t have embarked on this extraordinary journey of self discovery if it hadn’t been for her. Perhaps this is the start of the journey to forgiveness, and for me, to physical and emotional healing.