Day 29 The start of the journey to forgiveness

Today I wrote an unsent letter to my mother – who I now believe rejected me from the time I was quite a young child right through until just before her death three years ago when I was 59 years old. From the time I was a little girl she told me that I was like her mother whom she despised. She told me that I was dangerous, destructive and manipulative and before I was married, took me out for a “special” meal and told me that I must always work away from home or I would destroy any children that I might have.

She became an alcoholic in her middle years and actually told me it was my fault. Not long before she died, she told me that I only turned out okay because she and Dad channelled my dangerous personality traits into more positive attributes. I know that I am not like she said at all – I have better relationships with my three adult children than she ever had with any of us.

I truly do not believe that I am manipulative and when I asked my brother recently, he was amazed that she would ever have said that of me as he said it was totally untrue. But I certainly am a people pleaser in a big way and throughout her life, I always sought Mum’s approval.

I have always hated myself and seen myself as some loathsome and dangerous creature. Thanks to this SEP program, I now realise that I have repressed anger, frustration and sadness at her rejection, and that these without any doubt have caused my TMS pain.

As I was writing this letter, I realised that the physical pain I have experienced really correlates to my emotional self. What led me to TMS in the first place was chronic RSI in both arms: perhaps symbolic of my inner child reaching out to be loved and nurtured? I’ve also had ongoing knee pain – does this mirror my inability to stand on my own 2 feet and walk away into my own life without seeking the approval of my mother, in fact of everyone? Does my shoulder pain reflect how heavy this burden has been to carry all my life? And do my headaches mirror the battleground between my mind and brain – my struggle to keep these painful emotions under wraps all these years?

I can see now that Mum was a very unhappy woman and in great physical and emotional pain most of her life. I have the intention to forgive her, although I don’t actually feel it (!!) at this point, but I am aware that I wouldn’t have embarked on this extraordinary journey of self discovery if it hadn’t been for her. Perhaps this is the start of the journey to forgiveness, and for me, to physical and emotional healing.

 

Hi Moppy,
Thank you for the wonderful post. I appreciate how much you have learned and grown during the SEP. Quite an accomplishment to see so much, and have the deeper understanding that you write about.

It seems you really get this, in a visceral way. You really see the way you have suffered, and responded to the suffering, through no fault of your own. You have done the best you can. That desire for approval from your mother, for instance, is just a template you naturally carry into other relationships. It probably couldn't be another way.

Just seeing this depth of psychological patterning that you describe above can go a long way towards relieving TMS. You know why you are in pain, and it is not physical. This understanding is the "education cure." You don't need to "do" a lot more, I think. Just contemplate these truths you described.

While some folks put great importance in forgiveness, I think we mostly experience moments of forgiveness, glimpses. It seems like you had a glimpse today. I hope you know that more forgiveness will come in its own time, and there is nothing you need to do to make it happen. It grows from your growing understanding and compassion for the human condition, which you are developing by knowing your human condition. How tender our hearts can be towards ourselves sometimes...

Andy B

 

Hi, Moppy. Your post about writing a letter to your mother is wonderful. It will help you to heal through forgiveness. Your mother must have had a lot of emotional stress to have been so unloving to you. You probably did nothing to cause it. She just vented her anger and frustrations on you.

The same thing happened to Bonnie, my best friend's wife. She learned that her mental condition as an adult came from her mother rejecting her when she was a little girl. Bonnie got some therapy and learned that caused her mental illness. She recovered so well that she visited her dying mother later in another state and forgave her. Forgiveness is so powerful. You have begun that process and I hope it continues and deepens. If you don't forgive, the person causing your anguish wins. Good luck on your further road to recovery through TMS knowledge and belief.

 

Thankyou Andy, for your supportive response. I'm relieved to read what you say about forgiveness, that it comes in "glimpses" and that it will come in time on its own. I have tried many times over the years to forgive Mum and yet up came all these strong emotions towards her as I've worked thru this SEP program. But this time its diferent, i really feel that I have moved into a new space. In fact, i had a strange experience yesterday. I did the daily SEP activities early in the morning including the above post, and then went about my day but i started to feel incredibly tired as the day wore on..so much so by last night that i just had to go to bed very early and I slept a straight 10 hours...almost unheard of!! Today i feel very peaceful.

 

Walt, your words of wisdom are spot on! Ive read quite a few of your other posts to people about the power of forgiveness and I do agree with you. But it's not always easy to do! Its very encouraging to read of your friend's healing from mental illness and how she forgave her own mother and the freedom this gave her. I think forgiveness is like untying the knots of the ropes that bind us to another, but you have to learn HOW to untie them. I think this SEP course has shown me firstly that the knots are there and secondly, it is also teaching me how to loosen them. Its the positive support of my fellow TMSers like you and Andy that motivate me to persist in the process. Blessings!

 

I was just rereading your reply to me, Andy, and what you say about not needing to "do" anything in particular to enable forgiveness to happen, that it will come in its own time as my compassion for the human condition grows, and before that, possibly not needing to "do" a lot more about the TMS pain, really jumped out at me. All my adult life I've been a "human doing" rather than a "human being".....perhaps this is one of my greatest lessons : stop frantically trying to fix things, but cultivate awareness and allow the gentle breeze of change to waft through. I guess mindfulness practice is central to this. Many thanks for sharing your insights....

 

How wonderful this quote. I feel relaxed when I read it. Thank you.

 

Hi, Moppy. I think what helped me to forgive my parents for divorcing was journaling to understand that they had TMS too, mainly because of financial difficulties, which Dr. Sarno is a common cause of TMS pain. I put myself in my parents' shoes and understood them better, which helped me to forgive them. Jesus believed so strongly in the power of forgiveness that it was included in what we call The Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I still have one other person, not a relative, to forgive totally. To me, betrayal of friendship is one of the worst things a friend can do to another friend, and he did it to me. I have forgiven him in my mind, but maybe not completely in my heart. He was nothing more than an opportunist who took advance of my good nature and generosity. He makes a habit of doing this to others, but I am letting the Lord handle him. I kind of forgive the guy but would still like to punch him out.

 

Hi Walt...that sounds like a really good idea ie to work on understanding the idea that TMS was central to my mother's life - I know it was. She had chronic, debilitating back pain her whole life - she said it came on when she was 16 years old. She had many other health problems as well which were probably also TMS. I will actually pursue this line so thank you....I am sure it will help me. And I LOVE your honesty...I laughed out loud when I read your last line! I often feel like that but I usually don't even admit it to myself (oops: another TMS trait, eh?)