Day 4 The Most Disheartening News

I have been answering most of the "Questions to Ponder" privately in my journal, but I wanted to share this one. The most disheartening news I've gotten from a doctor was from my physical therapist. He told me I may never walk again as exercise--that I'd be able to do things like go to work, go the grocery store, etc, but that because of the "short tendons" in my feet, I might not be able to ever again go on long walks. Another doctor, a physiatrist, told me I would certainly walk again but I may never be able to run again. And a podiatrist told me that after all of this clears up, he could see no reason why I should not be able to walk or run again. "There is nothing physically wrong with the structure of your foot," he said. I am choosing to believe him!

But it's sometimes hard to shake what these people have said. I used to fully and completely believe in doctors. This situation has really changed me. I don't know if I'll ever trust a doctor again.

 

I should probably have added that this news was so disheartening because I love walking! I could live without running but adjusting to a life without walking would be really really hard for me.

 

You can walk and run. You know nothing is wrong structurally. I, too, had similar warnings about walking. Today i walk 4-6 miles each day. I was warned not to walk. I started out slow, flat areas, walking slow, walking in the grass, short steps. I was just driven to walk even after all the warnings. i knew it made me feel so much better. Everything was looser. This was a few months
before I started reading Sarno. Now I know I was doing the right thing. My body and mind told me.

I, too, question everything I am told by a Doctor. I now believe I have much more insight about the sources of my pain then they ever have. I have a better understanding about my body then they ever can. You can walk and run if you choose.

 

Gail, I think you said you are going to see a TMS doctor soon--it will be great to get an official diagnosis.

I was told all kinds of stuff by PTs and doctors--never walk barefoot, don't dance barefoot (I bellydance), don't do too much yoga, don't walk on the beach, etc.

Turns out it was all BS. Once I started working on TMS for headaches (my main symptom) the foot/leg pain cleared right up. My TMS doctor agreed that the foot pain was also TMS and that I have no restrictions.

 

it's sometimes hard to shake what these people have said. I used to fully and completely believe in doctors. This situation has really changed me. I don't know if I'll ever trust a doctor again.[/quote]

My husband refers to the medical profession as guess-work in a white coat and I agree with him. When you buy a car or an expensive electronic, and even some homes, you get a guarantee for a specific period of time. Medical care is just as expensive. You should get a guarantee...you see Dr X, get a diagnosis and a course of treatment, if that treatment does not fix the problem you should not have to pay Dr X or for the cost of the treatment. I think if they started getting paid for only the times they were right they would spend a LOT more time making their diagnosis.

It's very hard to uproot a seed once it's planted. Once someone puts an idea in your head it's difficult to overcome it, but it CAN be done! Imagine the satisfaction of walking into that doctor's office one day and saying "hey, you were wrong....and by the way, I want my money back!!"

 

Ha! Yes, money back--I wish!
So far I have not really been able to banish these thoughts. The same pt who told me I might never be able to take long walks again also told me that the pain builds up over time, and that the "clock is not reset every day." That is, I might be fine on Monday, but if I do too much on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, by Friday I will be in pain again. So now I am afraid of "overdoing it" every single day! I live in constant fear.

My main fear now is not being able to do my job. I am a teacher and was home on medical leave Sept-Oct 2012 because there were some days when I literally could not put weight on my right foot. The more I did, the worse the pain was. By limiting my activity, wearing compression socks, and using a wheelchair to get around the hallways, I was able to go back to work in November. I thank God every day for this. Those two months I was out were two of the worst months of my life. So you can imagine I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my ability to do my job.

I just read through the post Forest made in the General Discussion area called "Fear of Walking." I can't imagine just getting out there and walking! The pain and disability would be too much for me. I guess I still believe that even though the cause of my pain is psychosomatic, there are also physiologic reasons for it (irritation of the superficial peroneal nerve) and that I must continue to treat the symptoms.

Veronica, I think you're absolutely right that I need that official diagnosis. The power of suggestion is just too great in me. But I couldn't get an appointment until March, and even if I could I really can't take any more days off of work (I scheduled my appt. during my school's spring break). I guess I have to keep working on my emotions and on my belief in TMS until then.

 

I wonder what the foot condition is distracting you from...because the prognosis and what you have been through, really grabs your attention.

Good point, Forest

 

The day before the pain started, last June, I put my cat down. She was 18 1/2 and I had been treating her kidney disease, anemia, arthritis and cancer for 1 1/2 years.

 

I understand your loss, I am so sorry. I have such a deep connection with my male kitty cat "Kimo". Do you think the underlying emotion could be profound grief and loss ? Grief is a very powerful emotion to experience. I think the timing of her passing is a clue to the onset of your symptoms.

I certainly understand it, my kitty is getting older and I have wondered what will I do, how will I feel when that day happens. I can hardly think about it, I love this big kitty (25lbs Maine Coon Cat) as much as my children. I call him my "boy-boy". And it's not silly to love a sweet creature so much that it deeply saddens you when they pass.

What does her passing mean to you? Have other people in your life passed away and how did you process the grief ? Could there be unresolved grief that this experience is piggy-backing onto causing a huge compounded repressed experience ? Have you deeply explored the possibly, this is what your'e repressing? I'm not prying, I just want to help * hugs

 

Gail, it sounds like TMS, classic to have a major event after the passing of someone that you were the care giver for. You hold it together to the point of burnout and collapse. Then after it happens, when it's safe to collapse the TMS takes hold of those repressed feelings and the symptoms begin.

 

Gail, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how very hard it is to have to say goodbye to a trusted companion and the hole the loss of that unconditional love leaves. I had to put my 16 year old Aspen Kitty down 1 month before my TMS started. His loss hit me hard, but I only realized last week just how hard. He's been gone almost 19 months and the pain in my shoulder has been here almost 18 months. During one of last week's journaling exercises I wrote about loosing him. That's when I realized that I am still grieving his loss (it's also when I realized that loosing him happened 1 month before the shoulder pain started - never thought of it before). The words on the pages are mostly illegible from the tears that never stopped while I was writing, and continued for a couple hours after I put down the pen. If you haven't already, I would encourage you to journal about your kitty, she was part of your life for a long time, that loss does not heal quickly.

 

Jilly and Leslie, thank you for your thoughts. Yes, Pandora was very important to me. We were together a long time and she was always there for me--my constant companion. I am single and have no children so now my apartment seems empty without her.

Jilly, I've been thinking about exactly this thing, and talking it over with my therapist. I think Pandora's death reminded me a lot of my dad's death six years ago. In both cases, the patient was really dying over a long period (1 or 1 1/2 years) and in both cases I thought I had grieved and processed the death already when they died. But now I'm starting to think this is not the case. I had more grieving to do but was so tired of all the stress and anxiety that I just felt relieved. Of course, I also felt guilty about feeling relieved. And in Pandora's case, I was the one who made the decision of when she would die, which brings its own cauldron of grief and guilt to the party.

Jilly, that is one big cat!!

 

Sounds like there might be a connection. Once we have set the neural paths, its very easy to activate them, especially with something that has so much energy and deep feelings pushing up. You don't need to worry about why ... just identify the feeling and journal about it, talk about it, reminisce, feel the feelings, it can't rule you or hurt you, unless you repress it.

You had to make a tough decision and feeling relieved is normal when you've been under so much stress. So hard to see a loved one suffer and hold it all together. I've rediscovered how good it feels to just cry it out ... not hold back ...

It would be great if you could post a picture of Pandora, I would love to see her * hugs

 

Gail, I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a pet can in some ways be worse than losing a human family member-we don't have the same kind of cultural rituals to help us with the passing of animals and not everyone gets that loss of a pet is huge.

 

Sometimes people think it's silly to be so sad over a pet passing, they don't understand and they might make fun or make a facial gesture. Giving the person in grief another reason to repress the grief - peer pressure. They don't want to be an outcast or made fun of so it's better to just keep quiet and fulfill that image of someone who has it all together. It's good to know clearly who your supportive friends are (TMS Wiki and others) and to have the solid foundation of Dr. Sarno to carry you through a crisis. Know how and where to get help, think psychologically, and identify the feeling. Feel that feeling, don't repress it.

In a different discussion, one of the Wiki TMS members said they were going to have to do this work the rest of their life. I'm so glad to have a plan, philosophy, and the education to make wellness part of my framework for daily life ...We have the tools now ... Thank You Dr. Sarno * hugs

 

WOWOWOWOW this resonated so deeply! I repressed, repressed, repressed and as soon as I left my husband - WHAM! - anxiety like you wouldn't believe. Not only was it the loss of a marriage but I was also his caregiver following a violent shooting in which we were targeted that left him paralyzed.

You guys are an impressive bunch, you know that? This warms my heart that you all are so helpful and insightful and willing to share to help heal.

Gail - I know what you mean about not trusting doctors again. That's why I switched to naturopathy. I often wonder if I will ever switch back, knowing what I know... Maybe we will just be wiser next time and not put so much faith in them. Our society glorifies science and the practitioners of science so it's only natural to put our faith in them I think. But hooray for supportive podiatrists! Good on you for choosing to believe him!

 

I have been off Wiki due to moving out of state, I read this and my heart ached for you. I hope and pray your'e safe and healing. This is a place of healing .... * hugs

 

The doctors issue really does ring so true. You can see ten different doctors about your pain, and quite literally end up with ten differing diagnosis and opinion. Where does that leave us? Anxious ? You bet, confused, worried, etc etc. There you have the perfect fuel for your TMS!