Day 15 The fine art of chilling out

[WesternShores]

Over the weekend, I realized that it has been a long time since I have felt truly CHILL.

On Saturday, which should be the chillest day of the week for me normally, I had a big social event I had to attend. As I was getting ready for the event, dressing up and all that, I felt awful. I had the house all to myself, and before I left, I sat in my living room and just yelled. It was a very NSFW monologue into the void. I was so mad about how crappy I felt AND how this TMS thing was afflicting me. "THIS IS BS!" was the point of it all. I was super mad because I felt like this TMS thing had no right to be doing this to me.

I went to the event, and it went fine, but Saturday night I felt PHYSICALLY AWFUL. I had to get up early Sunday and drive someone to the airport, and again felt awful during church.

Yesterday evening, though, I think I had a breakthrough. I was talking with my wife, and realized that I have not felt CHILLED OUT in forever. In fact, I was even wondering if I could achieve a CHILLED OUT state anymore. And I feel that in my body. My reality has become a million little worries within my unconscious, bouncing around like neutrons in a nuclear reaction. I think this TMS episode began when they reached a kind of critical state, and my sympathetic nervous system has just been turned on perpetually since December. I am in constant fight-or-flight mode, because I have allowed burdens and worries to afflict me that I shouldn't.

If I don't re-learn the fine art of CHILLIN THE F--- OUT then an actual crisis could cause a meltdown within my psyche.

So I have only one choice, one mission at this point: choose to be chill in every moment. That doesn't mean giving up on life, but it means I'm at a point in my life where I need to make the deliberate choice of self-care. I need to spend my free time doing things that I enjoy just because I enjoy them. I need to close myself off from burdens and worries that I have no control over, and I need to remember that the worries of my little world are enough for me.

I feel very relieved by this realization. At this point, it feels like the path forward.

 

[BloodMoon]

it means I'm at a point in my life where I need to make the deliberate choice of self-care. I need to spend my free time doing things that I enjoy just because I enjoy them. I need to close myself off from burdens and worries that I have no control over, and I need to remember that the worries of my little world are enough for me.

I feel very relieved by this realization. At this point, it feels like the path forward.

Yes, yes, yes and yes! I found myself mentally cheering for you when I read this!

 

[Volcano1963]

Ah, @WesternShores, you bring up so much i can relate to.
Self-care, what a concept, right!?
After my mindBody basically broke down and i spent a week paralyzed in bed with pain, i slowly began working through the SEP and took many hours a day over the subsequent several weeks to educate myself, journal, and do psychotherapy. I realize I’m lucky that this time coincided with major life changes (career retirement and end to elder caregiving responsibility), but I still feel almost guilty when i explain to friends that I am now in a phase of luxuriating in self-care. After focusing on self-care as my primary task for these last 10 weeks, I decided i needed to focus on my “responsibilities” and found myself not getting to my journal, not keeping up with the SEP, and not being mindful about submerging feelings. Big mistake! My pain came back (strong) but in different locations and with different enough symptoms that i started to freak out and heard myself think, “this time I really did injure myself.” Luckily the TMSwiki and SEP wewe still here waiting for me to come to my self-caring senses. i need to find a balance between luxuriating in self-care and getting done what i decide needs to get done (e.g. no more over committing).