Day 15 The fine art of chilling out

Over the weekend, I realized that it has been a long time since I have felt truly CHILL.

On Saturday, which should be the chillest day of the week for me normally, I had a big social event I had to attend. As I was getting ready for the event, dressing up and all that, I felt awful. I had the house all to myself, and before I left, I sat in my living room and just yelled. It was a very NSFW monologue into the void. I was so mad about how crappy I felt AND how this TMS thing was afflicting me. "THIS IS BS!" was the point of it all. I was super mad because I felt like this TMS thing had no right to be doing this to me.

I went to the event, and it went fine, but Saturday night I felt PHYSICALLY AWFUL. I had to get up early Sunday and drive someone to the airport, and again felt awful during church.

Yesterday evening, though, I think I had a breakthrough. I was talking with my wife, and realized that I have not felt CHILLED OUT in forever. In fact, I was even wondering if I could achieve a CHILLED OUT state anymore. And I feel that in my body. My reality has become a million little worries within my unconscious, bouncing around like neutrons in a nuclear reaction. I think this TMS episode began when they reached a kind of critical state, and my sympathetic nervous system has just been turned on perpetually since December. I am in constant fight-or-flight mode, because I have allowed burdens and worries to afflict me that I shouldn't.

If I don't re-learn the fine art of CHILLIN THE F--- OUT then an actual crisis could cause a meltdown within my psyche.

So I have only one choice, one mission at this point: choose to be chill in every moment. That doesn't mean giving up on life, but it means I'm at a point in my life where I need to make the deliberate choice of self-care. I need to spend my free time doing things that I enjoy just because I enjoy them. I need to close myself off from burdens and worries that I have no control over, and I need to remember that the worries of my little world are enough for me.

I feel very relieved by this realization. At this point, it feels like the path forward.

 

Yes, yes, yes and yes! I found myself mentally cheering for you when I read this!