The effect on my life

[karinabrown]

Hi all,

Been lurking and no writing for a while.
To busy with ‘mama drama, as someone else called it here once.

One year ago i thought i was somehow moving (litteraly too) in the right direction.
Body doing a lot better, working on
starting on my own business.
This was my wish and very needed financially.
Then menopause hit me really hard en even more : my mothers physical problems. We have troubled relation ship. She needed help a lot and us children tried to be as helpful as possible and in the meantime have some life of our own.
It has led to nasty family stuff and
hard words , tears and broken relationships.
I developed new pain, back to
PT (not as a cure but some help) decided to seek help from a therapist (waitinglist now) had many many sleepless nights and the financial issues that comes from me still not being able to work are taking a huge toll. I am angry at my mother all day (and night) for things she’s said etc and tried to talk to her, explained why its so hurtful etc. It did not help she just keeps doing it.
I feel trapped between responsability and resentment
I am at the point i would gladly take a break from the whole scène’ for months but its not an option.

Its obvious that emotions are totally capable of creating pain
In fact : i know i have pain and its more like my body is folowimg my emotional pain.
Really dissapointed that it has come to this. After so much hard work to getting where i was.
The only thing i feel i can do now is talk to a therapist and hope this gives me some relief in terms of processing things.

How on Earth is it possible i let this slip out of control ?
Once again blaming myself for not being able to ‘deal with stuff without
falling apart’ Yes that is how i feel

 

[plum]

Is it really not an option that you take a break? Or even step away for good?

You may remember the similar problems I've had with my Mother-in-Law, who has become more intolerable and hurtful over the last few months. I took a step back in the Spring after she created a major falling out between her children, something that is irrevocable. My partner tried to maintain a level of care but it was making him desperately ill. The horrible behaviour continued and now he has walked away too.

His mother still lives at home and has carers who go in 3 times a day. His sisters have begrudgingly picked up the slack. They are already full of anger and resentment so it is not a pretty situation. Because she has "mental capacity" she cannot be put into a residential home. This medical opinion suggests that she is fully aware of her manipulative behaviour and this is the reason I have washed my hands of her. I refuse to be made ill and unhappy by endless and needless family fueds.

For years I've gone through the gamut of emotions: anger, resentment, regret, sadness and such rage I scared myself. I've been depressed, I've felt suicidal, I've felt trapped and helpless, all because of this dysfunctional family. I've done my best to deal with my emotions, care for my hubby, care for this old lady and be ok with it all.

Then the day came when I decided enough was enough. They could all get ceremoniously ******.

The nonsense still comes down the phone but it gets short shrift (if the calls are taken at all). My hubby's doctor told him in no uncertain terms that he must no longer be involved because the emotional stress hastens the progression of his Parkinson's. His family don't seem to understand or respect this which makes it easier for us to stay well away.

I came to see how we are not obliged or responsible for this old woman. Had she been a gentle soul it would have been a pleasure, but she isn't. She's a shit-stirring old biddy. It's her choice to live by the sword. It's my choice to favour peace and to put my own life first.

After years of pussyfooting and emotional angst it was surprisingly easy to make this choice when the time came. Occasionally I have a compassionate overwhelm but this is always kicked into touch by some madness she creates.

I feel much better. I sleep well and am able to do the necessary psychological work without it being trounced at every turn. They can get on with it all by themselves. I thought I/we couldn't walk away but that was a duty-based psychological cudgel that kept us trapped.

I wish I had some sage advice to offer about dealing with your situation but having lived through it for years with no success I have come to recognise (that for me and my husband) it was always absurd and untenable. There is some stuff no one can deal with. It's not a personal failing. You are under immense stress and the only way out is to reduce the pressure.

I send you much love xxx

 

[karinabrown]

Plum,

Your whole respond made me teary , like everything does at the moment

‘’Quote: plum :
His mother still lives at home and has carers who go in 3 times a day. His sisters have begrudgingly picked up the slack. They are already full of anger and resentment so it is not a pretty situation. Because she has "mental capacity" she cannot be put into a residential home. This medical opinion suggests that she is fully aware of her manipulative behaviour and this is the reason I have washed my hands of her. I refuse to be made ill and unhappy by endless and needless family feeds’
———
All this is similar : even extra : i am one of the daughters and my mothers is now back home after being in care : Home : refusing outside care : cause ‘we are there ‘.. So..
She has good financial options to hire help and make all of our lives much easier but is not doing that. That really driving me nuts and fuel for my anger.

Also the same : the relationship between her daughters is ruïned by this.
As soon as a permanent place in a sort of care home comes up : she will move again, and leave her home.
I have almost ‘took my hands of her’ like you mentioned but could not go with that. I am torn between my feelings.
I am shocked with her behavior while she is mentally sane. She even got one of my sisters believing she is confused so she can say awful things. But she knows exactly what buttons to push

I can totally believe your husband health , and yours is influenced by this. Same here. I feel drained and so does he. When the phone rings i am stressed already upfront
My husband is a gentle caring man calls her a mean old @&)’

I am sort of trapped in : my duty as a daughter, respecting her stressfull situation (silly me) old age etc etc
My love for her is really gotten less and there comes quilt again.

Your respond helps me overthink my roll in this..
Thank you
X x x Karina

 

[plum]

Sweetheart, I really do understand, especially the struggle with guilt. I think too it's good acknowledge how much we do because we do care and want the best for them. It's not easy to seperate goodism and guilt from compassion when we've spent our lives people-pleasing.

Earlier in the year, when all the most distressing stuff was happening, I spent some time reading posts on a Carers Forum and I was astonished at how many people were suffering terribly at the hands of selfish parents. None of the threads described healthy and loving relationships, they were all manipulative and mean-spirited. It was heart-breaking and yet strangely comforting to realise how common it is.

Do your best to be gentle and kind with yourself and post here when you need to. I've found opening up about the reality of the situation has helped me a lot. I didn't realise how much I held inside and how utterly crazy it all was until I described it to other people. I'm truly indebted to the good people here for listening and supporting me. We're here for you too.

Plum xxx

 

[karinabrown]

Hi plum,

You are so kind and right : it does help to know its common.
Part of my emotional pain comes also from the fact me and my sisters gotten so far apart because of all this.
To me that is so strange. You would think the situation could give some common feeling but it sadly did not do that at all. And starting to give me feelings of being weak and selfish
But indeed the mean spirit attitudes are really messing it up for me
Its a one way street of needs.. and nasty shit
Just an hour ago my sister places the comment : ‘when i am her age i can only hope my daughters will do this for me ‘ just made me sad. Which is really confusing : i do not have children so you would think that could be part of my anger...
But I thought about that but :
all i thought was ‘really ? Is this an on gong proces.. how sad is that ?
I would hope they would help me out of love and respect and not because quilt and fear etc .. but maybe that’s just me strugling in a not so perfect world ?
You read about so much people who are in a caring situation who are suffering
that is pretty sad is it not ?

It’s really good to find understanding souls here.
Thanks for your view on this and honesty
If only rl was full of people like you

Xxx

 

[Time2be]

Oh dear, I really hope you can get yourself some time off. It would be good for you to have some days of distance. My feeling is that it is difficult for you to distinguish between the committment to your mother that you actually want to fulfill and all the guilt and shame etc. that makes you confused and feel like a victim. Maybe this is the strongest impression I get from your post, you feel like a victim and have no choice. I find Plum’s story encouraging. If people are nasty and manipulative they are not entitled to all of our sympathy and efforts. You have the right to draw a line and decide how much of your life you want to give. I know, this is easy said, but difficult to do.
Don’t you have someone from community care who could step in some days? I sincerely hope that you find a solution and help yourself!!

 

[karinabrown]

Oh dear, I really hope you can get yourself some time off. It would be good for you to have some days of distance. My feeling is that it is difficult for you to distinguish between the committment to your mother that you actually want to fulfill and all the guilt and shame etc. that makes you confused and feel like a victim. Maybe this is the strongest impression I get from your post, you feel like a victim and have no choice. I find Plum’s story encouraging. If people are nasty and manipulative they are not entitled to all of our sympathy and efforts. You have the right to draw a line and decide how much of your life you want to give. I know, this is easy said, but difficult to do.
Don’t you have someone from community care who could step in some days? I sincerely hope that you find a solution and help yourself!!

Hi time to be,
That’s not it : that there are not enough people or that i am tight to her side all the time
Its the effect this whole event’ had on me
The nasty words that are spoken , the fight between siblings and my mother in the middle of all this demanding and
putting quilt on us, making it al worse
Somewhere i read that this situation many times creates a lot of troubles because old wounds are being opened etc : and i can relate to all of that

Its not the hours of work : i can see my mother for 2 hours : but that could result in a sleepless night and a day of worries after that, because of comments etc . Ofcourse i should stop : letting it ‘get to me ‘
But that’s the point i can’t to this point
and that drives me nuts
I can see the damage already done between my sisters and think that is for life : so after my mother will be gone one day : this result will still be there to be honest : i feel like she does not care at all about that . As long as we all
strugle she has the power
so i can ‘run’ psysical but my mind needs peace from this

 

[Lizzy]

Karina,

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I'm estranged from my parents because my dad is a rageholic. Six years ago I finally said if he wouldn't treat people well, I wouldn't see him. This was after my brother had told him he'd had enough and would no longer be communicating with him. My mom then stopped speaking with my brother. So.... I knew if I stopped with my dad it would mean my mom also.

A friend of mine had an abusive father and she was estranged from her parents. She told me I might be relieved, even in regards to my mom, because I might not realize how much he affected my relationship with her. I was surprised to find she was right.

When I talked to him about no longer being around the nastiness , with my mom present, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and my mom agreed, she couldn't understand what was going on. This conversation didn't come out of the blue, we have talked about it before, but neither my brother, had nor I, had ever said, "no more." The last words I said to them was that this made me very sad.

After some time went by I came to know that I would have been better off to have done it years ago. There is no one besides my mom that cares about him. I heard that his health is failing and my mom told a mutual friend that she isn't planning on a memorial because no one has come to see him while he's alive, so why have one.

I'm close to my mom's sister and my brother is close to my dad's brother, they both have sons that my dad always treated like they didn't exist. Isn't it sad that the nephews on both sides don't like my dad?

Boy, that is longer than I thought it would be. All that just to let you know you're not alone with this kind of family issue, and to say that it is ok to stay, but it is ok to leave. Every single person in my life has supported me in this. Even my paternal grandmother's best friend, who would have been my dad's guardian if he'd been orphaned as a child. I about died telling her and one of my dad's cousins who I thought might be upset with me.

Okay, enough said. You do what you need to do. It is okay.

Hugs to you, Lizzy

 

[Time2be]

Dear, I understand that this is really difficult. But try to keep an inner distance. Don’t let them hurt you. You might still have the wish to have a better relationship, that your mother were a better person. But this is not reality. If you still feel obliged to help them, then do it with inner distance.
I wish you the best!