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The anger has finally exploded.

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by sacolucci23, Feb 5, 2018.

  1. sacolucci23

    sacolucci23 Peer Supporter

    I have spent 10 months dealing with dizziness, hyperacusis, weird "ear headaches", etc. I have had MRIs, CT scans, full vestibular testing, blood work, X-rays, etc. Nothing has been diagnosed of any significance. The only thing that was mentioned, was a "mild migraine problem" and BPPV.

    I have been journaling steadily, and although some rage was expressed thinking back to my childhood, nothing that I could say made a huge dent in my symptoms.

    I started to develop TMS 4 months postpartum with my second child. It started when my first child had to start JK and I had a newborn, and my husband had to return to working full time. I dreaded having to do everything on my own - getting the kids ready (now having two kids), making meals, driving my oldest daughter to school, nursing the baby, laundry, household chores, making dinner, etc. I am also self-employed so it was quite a challenge to do all those things within working hours plus complete my work. You see, I only became self-employed one year before I had my second child and I had dedicated so much time and hard work to gaining recognition in the field and developing a client base, I was saddened at the thought of slowing down. I knew having a child would slow much of that progress down and so, I wanted to keep going! I worked day and even night!

    The resentment started to build in me. My husband got to wake up in the morning, grab a coffee and go to work. I understand work is not a holiday but anyone who has young children knows that sometimes, it's better to be at work than at home. The mental stress alone is overwhelming. I was trying to cram in all the work I had to during the day while also watching my baby and getting my oldest to school. I hired a nanny to stay 4-5 hours a day, which I felt tremendously guilty about (wasn't this time meant for bonding with the baby???)

    When I got sick with vertigo, my husband could only stay home a week with me and when he went back to work, I was so fear stricken by the thought of staying home alone with my children. I was dizzy and didn't feel safe in three-dimensional space and the thought of also caring for children was terrifying. BUT he had his job and he couldn't give it up! And, that's what he does, and that's his dream!!!

    I have been dizzy for 10 months and my husband's health is the same, his life is the same. Nothing changes for him. He was laid off from his job and stayed home for 3 months with me. My symptoms started getting a little better as I would have help in the mornings with the children and the guilt was gone because we no longer needed the nanny. I also had more time to focus on my business.

    He even got his mortgage agent license so that he could join in with what I do. Then, further resentment started to build. He hadn't a hope in hell of retaining new clients, he wasn't motivated and there wasn't money coming in. I told him he had to go back to work but asked him if he could get a more reasonable job, one where the burden of morning and afternoon routine wouldn't be all on my plate. He wouldn't compromise and told me that's what he does and he's not going to "give up his dream"...

    He went back to work 1 week ago and I am already feeling TMS full swing. The responsibility of the children, making dinner and the overwhelming feeling of my work falling behind makes me want to strangle him! To top it off, his car broke down and he has been driving my car... leaving me stranded at home day in and day out for the last week.

    So, I started thinking, "why would anyone be mad at their husband for going to work or borrowing their car?"... the truth is I don't want to be with him! The resentment of him NEVER changing and me making all the changes have created strong RAGE in me! I can't stand it! And then, he turns it around on me, as if I am the selfish one! More RAGE!!!!

    I think I want out of my marriage!!
    Ewok2 and Lizzy like this.
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Sac,

    Seems like you have a great handle on both your rage, which has plenty of fuel in your life, and how your life stressors and (probably heretofore hidden) rage are the foundation of your TMS symptoms.

    I hope you know that your insight and understanding is what begins to unwind the symptoms. You already understand the real cause of your symptoms. Let this go deep, and know that there is little you have to "do" more than understand your life, your inner reactions, and how this fits Dr. Sarno's work. Good luck in this.

    Andy B
    plum likes this.
  3. fern

    fern Well known member

    There are lots of ways that I can relate to this as a stay-at-home mom. I’ve been off-and-on raging at my husband (usually a silent simmering resentment, but occasionally an outburst) for a couple years now. I don’t work from home. I am on a couple committees that connect me a bit with my former career, but 99% of my time is spent parenting or desperately looking for rest/time alone. I know that going to work every day isn’t easy. I was excited to stay at home so I wouldn’t have to deal with the daily grind anymore of being stuck on some institution’s schedule. And since my kid isn’t in school yet, there are ways that life is a lot more free now. I still don’t want to go back to work. But there is definitely something to be said for the daily time away from the house that work provides, time away from the same kids who know all of your buttons, getting in the car with your music and no kid in the backseat, eating lunch alone or with adults, etc. It’s not a break, but it’s a change of scenery. And time with adults and work friends. I have missed that, even though I was so burnt out by the time I decided to have kids that I welcomed, with great excitement, the opportunity to stop working.

    I was never sure I wanted kids. If I’m being honest with myself, one reason I decided to have a baby is because I knew that fatherhood was one of my husband’s most precious dreams and deepest desires. He never pushed me at all, but since he knew what he wanted and I was ambivalent, I decided I might as well take his lead on it. I’ve always been kind of the head of the house in most other respects, so it didn’t feel like I was deferring or subjugating my needs. I was ready for something new, and he had followed me around the country for my career for years, so I decided to go for it. I needed a change and knew I could make a good mother and love my child. I have been a good mom so far, and I love my kid more fiercely than I ever knew I could love someone. I would not change my decision if given the chance to go back.

    But it hasn’t been a natural fit. My lifelong TMS symptoms have been mostly in full-flare since the postpartum hormones wore off, plus some new symptoms. Parenting isn’t something that comes easy to me. Obviously parenting is never easy, but I feel I have to bend so many parts of myself in the opppsite direction from their inclination to do it well. Which was the case in the career I left, as well (also a care-giving profession). It’s easier in some cases now because the motivation is so much clearer and more natural - being a good parent to this person I love so she can be healthy and whole instead of supporting an institution I wasn’t passionate about. I am much more inspired to learn and grow in this role, and the rewards are sweet and life-giving. I still love my new “job”.

    But there has been a real grief in giving up my old life. Most of my friends were work friends. None of my friends have kids. My sense of creativity and fruitfulness was tied to my work. My sense of value was tied to my vocation. I had an office that was (occasionally) quiet, with a door I could shut. I talked to adults often. I had more money and freedom to take vacations and travel. I could stay out late, sleep in, and binge Netflix on the weekends to relax. I could cook two-hour dishes just because. I miss all of these things, big and small, very deeply. Especially because parenting was never a goal for me growing up, never something particularly valuable in my mind until I had a kid. My parents never taught me to value or appreciate the work or rewards of parenting. I have felt devalued, unappreciated, and trapped in this new life. I still do sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’ve disappeared.

    I’ve realized, with much guilt and embarrassment, that most of the simmering resentment and anger that I’ve been directing toward my husband is really resentment toward my daughter and the changes her arrival have meant for my life. This is not something I’m willing to feel, because she didn’t choose to be born and she’s absolutely wonderful. So I turn it to the next most obvious person - the guy whose idea this was in the first place, the guy who “gets” to hop in a car and leave every day. His daily life represents what I gave up. I have fantasized many times about separating from him so I could stop expecting him to come home one day and completely understand what I’m feeling and fix it. Alone, I would just have to put my head down and make it through without hoping someone would “see” me and being disappointed/angry when they didn’t. My husband tries very hard to understand and is an excellent parenting partner, but I know I can never expect him to completely understand since parenting represents the fulfillment of his life goals.

    I’m learning, also to my embarrassment, that my TMS symptoms may be more about seeking external acknowledgment of my suffering and less about self-hatred or rage turned inward (although I also have childhood-based issues underlying my TMS). It’s easier for me to ask for rest when my body hurts than to ask for it just because I need it. And it’s easier for my loved ones to see that this role is hard for me when it is clearly taking a toll on my body. It’s easier for me to feel rage and resentment toward my husband than it is to acknowledge that there is still a significant part of me that regrets the decision to have a baby. Because that makes me feel like a bad mother. I know that I’m not a bad mother, so the cognitive dissonance leads me to place the emotional blame on my husband.

    I’m saying all of this partly to find comeraderie, but also to let you know that, at least for me, the unhappiness in marriage and felt desire to just be alone isn’t always the deepest layer of the onion. The more I work on those deeper layers I’ve uncovered - especially on compassionately allowing myself to feel regret and grief without judging myself - the more I notice the things I like and value about being married and the more compassion I feel toward my husband. I’m not assuming that is automatically the case for you, since there are plenty of legitimate reasons for ending a marriage, but just offering that the desire to leave may (or may not) be yet another way to cover up truer feelings deep down that you don’t want to feel. That has been the case for me. And, even more remarkably, when I shared those deeper feelings with my husband, he didn’t judge at all. He offered more understanding and love toward that part of me than I have been willing to give myself. Sometimes I’m still annoyed that it hasn’t led to more substantive changes in our household, but it at least opened a door to more self-acceptance. Honestly, I realize that I’m going to have to ask for real breaks and emotional support without feeling bad or judged or resentful that it isn’t obvious to him when I’m suffering or needing rest/help. And I need to learn what I value in my parenting role instead of seeing it as an interruption to the work that gave me value (work which I wanted out of, anyway). And I need to find what I value just in the mere fact of my existence, apart from role or relationships or productivity. Now that there is no work “product” to hide behind, I realize that I have more work to do on intrinsic self-worth than I realized. To some degree, I have been projecting my own sense of valuelessness onto my husband’s perception of me, which makes me unnecessarily mad at him. I think the truth is that he probably sees more value in the mere fact of my existence, and in my role as a mother, than I do.

    Sorry for turning this into a long personal journal entry. I hope you could relate to something in there and that I haven’t just hijacked your thread. Basically, there may always be a deeper layer, and in my case rage was actually a clever cover up for grief and sadness that I wasn’t willing to feel. We are such complicated bundles of emotions, and so invisible to ourselves sometimes! Good luck with this journey. You’ve opened the door now!
    Ewok2, Lainey, Ines and 2 others like this.
  4. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Threads like these are the most powerful evidence of the raw emotional truth of TMS. Given the unrelenting demands of lives too full, too fast, how could anyone not suffer? Sarno pointed out that it was the crushing middle years that created the perfect TMS storm. How right he was.

    It has taken me a long time to find peace within the life I have now. When my partner was first diagnosed with young-onset Parkinson's over a decade ago, we flung ourselves into a strange double life of believing the prognosis that he would die within 3-5 years and so doing everything we could while we still had time paired with fighting for a cure/defying the odds, crafting a life of maximum recovery. It was an insane and emotionally exhausting time.

    I've felt much resentment along the way, mainly at how I was plunged into an experience that most people don't confront until they are retired. It's not easy to see your future crumble before your eyes in your 30's and it's not surprising that I have at times wanted to leave. I think every carer/caregiver wants that at some point. Everything that is right and wrong about your relationship is flung in the tumbler. Mostly though I just wanted things to be ok. I wanted him to be well. I wanted to be ok but I wasn't.

    They were such bruising, crushing times but I have come through them. Our situation remains the same; he is a good soul fighting a wretched condition, we live in the kind of small town where Christ himself would lose a shoe and where the local nightclub was affectionately called Stabbers before losing its licence, we are as poor as church mice and we also shoulder much of the care of our elderly parents but you know what

    I f****** love my life.

    I'm more than the sh*t life can throw at me. I've learned that anger and compassion are cast from the same white hot mold. They are both fierce emotions and they both insist that we act from our heart.

    Change what you can change about your situation and then shore up the rest with every ounce of love and gratitude you can muster.

    Give up the need to control everything. Let your men be who they are and thank God for them. I pray you are never in my situation but if you are, you may be amazed at how much love comes with guts and how passionately Grace makes itself known when you just can't take any more.

    This is life.
    This is life.
    This is life.

    May it be the making and not the breaking of you (even if your heart, mind and ego be shattered in the making).

    With much love and hope that you will be kinder and gentler with your sweet selves,

    Plum x
    Ellen, Ines and Lizzy like this.
  5. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    So open, so true. I have been married for many, many years. It is okay to sometimes want to be alone, it is okay to have regrets. Whether married or not it would probably be the case that there would still be regret and grief. Your intrinsic understanding of seeing value in your marriage is a key element in knowing your truth about being in this relationship. Your chid will not always be so young and you will gain more time for your own growth as you future unfolds. Your husband sounds like he is someone who could give you real support in your struggles with how to navigate these years to come.
    Plum gives all of us pause in how our relationships can sometimes create circumstances that throws our 'vision' of what should be out of control. Her wise counsel of
    "Change what you can change about your situation and then shore up the rest with every ounce of love and gratitude you can muster." is wise and worth at least a second read.

    Kindess to all of you
    plum likes this.
  6. Ewok2

    Ewok2 Peer Supporter

    Oh, I can relate so strongly to so much of what you wrote. The resentment that I feel when my husband walks out the door in his nice suit holding a coffee while I'm 'stuck' at home doing a day full of housework and child-care that know one truely recognises or appreciates what goes into it. And now I'm doing that while in horrible pain while he is pain-free. Double resentment. I had dreamed of being a homemaker and mother so it really hurts when it's not what you imagine it will be. My husband helps out around the house a lot more now I'm unwell but he didn't before and I have a lot of resentment also that it takes me being physically incapacitated before he'll step up.

    I too have wondered if my pain is masking a secret desire to leave my marriage as I feel so angry towards my husband for the most trivial things but then I consider too that he is just a convenient scapegoat, the nearest person around to aim my general anger at? Misdirected anger if you like. Could this be the case for you too? It seems ridiculous not to know our own minds/hearts. At times I also feel resentment towards my youngest child as my pain started a while after her arrival.

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