Day 1 Tbh I think this is kind of stupid but I'm doing it anyway

[Edgerton]

TL;DR: Desperate times call for desperate measures so I'm going to do the things in the Structured Education Program, no matter how ridiculous it seems. I'm 20 years deep into having to give up music, sports, and a basically functional life. I've had Sarno stuff on my rader for 15 years. Apologies if my attitude is a bit much; I am a little worried about bringing negativity to this place but I'm trying to explore these things called "feelings" that this program is focused on.

Greetings, people-
About 20 years ago I started getting this nagging pain my my wrist at band practice. I mostly just played through the pain but it became unmanageable despite several rounds of physical therapy, taking time off, and all manner of braces and exercises and doctors and workarounds, nothing was fixing the issue. I had to quit because I could never play without pain. It broke my heart—this was the first band I'd ever been in that was any good (it was also the first band I wasn't the lead singer! Maybe there is something to that hahaha). Eventually, it flowered out into the other wrist and elbows.

Around this time typing was also becoming a problem. I was an early employee in a startup spending long stretches in front of the computer. It was intense work but I loved my coworkers and loved the company. I became an expert at ergonomics and speech recognition because typing continued to be painful. But eventually I took 6 weeks off hoping that would be the break that would allow things to "heal." They didn't, so I just kept using speech recognition. This was around the time I first discovered Sarno and his books. Part of it resonated with me, part of it didn't. But the pain never went away.

My problems seemed to be around fine motor movements. Typing and guitar hurt but I could lift weights in the gym. I hated giving up music, but becoming a gym rat proved to be massively helpful. I loved the confidence that I had in my body and for the first time I wasn't a skinny guy with a gut. Also, lifting weights is just flat out good for your system, getting blood pumping and oxygen in your system.

Around this time the back pain started. It was a dull ache from being on my feet; just from standing up. Not from lifting too heavy. The weird thing is that I could walk and run for 30 minutes no problem, but if I was on my feet for more than 15-20 minutes the dull ache would get progressively louder. Going and seeing a concert would wreck me. I saw a bunch of doctors for that and they give me tons of physical therapy (and I always did the "homework" exercises) that never ameliorated the issue.

I keep the Sarno stuff around and given that nothing is working, including his books, but he recommends seeing a TMS-specialist. I drive three hours to see one and it's hard for me to take this guy seriously. He seems like a quack chiropractor in a crappy strip mall so even though he gives me the positive diagnosis for TMS it doesn't feel like anything is going to change. I have extreme resistance to this guy and TMS seems too over the top.

This is maybe 5 years into the pain, so at this point I have weird hand/elbow inflammation thing happening and back/leg pain for when I stand too much. But I'm in good shape. My personal life is amazing at this point: I've become the founder of a successful company and I live in a cool city.

But the pain situation never get better. I visit about 15 different physicians and specialists in traditional medical fields. I’ve tried alternative approaches as well: Pilates, Acupressure, Acupuncture, Alexander technique, ART, MBSR, Chiropractor, Dry needling, Massage, Trigger Point Therapy, Psychotherapy, Restriction diets (Coffee, alcohol, wheat, corn), Meditation, Steroids (cortisol), Ayahuasca (a beautiful experience but doesn't resolve this). I fly to Pennsylvania to visit Suparna Damany who tells me I need to see her at her offices for 6 months, which I don't want to do. Eventually. I go to the Mayo Clinic, which doesn't really listen to me and the writeups I've done so the week there gets wasted on MRIs and other stuff that I already had tested.

I've also had two extended stints of psychotherapy at this point, largely motivated by Sarno-type reasoning. One for two years and one for a year. They were fine but my big takeaway from them is that I don't have any deep, buried trauma that needs to get worked through.

At a certain point I have to give up going to the gym. I just keep getting injured for reasons I can't explain. Doing pull ups would trigger a neck injury that meant I couldn't turn my head for a week. That had been happening 2-3x a year but it got more frequent. And other injuries.

Fast forward another ten years and things have mostly gotten worse. My ability to be on my feet has not improved and I have to wear Hokas (over-padded shoes built for ultramarathoners) most of the time. My lumbar spine goes out all the time. I am very sensitive to what kind of chair I'm in. Hard chairs are really tough for me. A stool or chair without a back triggers lumbar pain that gets louder and louder over time. I spend most of my day working on the couch in a horizontal position. I have a wonderful fiance but our lives are limited in that I can't do much out in the world.

I have some fairly system-wide chronic pain thing going on. Everytime I visit chronic pain subreddits and forums I'm horrified at the attitudes of these people. They seem like complainers. Some have become addicted to drugs. I don't want to take drugs bc I know that's not a real solution.

The one thing that is better is that I seem to be able to type more. Not like a normal person, but I know enough about taking breaks that I can manage things to not use speech recognition as much.

Ok this has gotten too long and I've barely explored the emotional side of this, which I think is where the real work needs to happen. But I've got to get ready for the day so I'll just say thank you to whoever reads this, I appreciate you giving even the slightest bit of time to my story.

-Edgerton

 

[Cap'n Spanky]

Welcome Edgerton!

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Standing bothered my back, but I could lift weights without a problem. (Classic evidence of TMS, IMO). Typing and playing guitar were issues for my elbows. (Again, lifting weights was fine).

Here's my story in detail, if you're interested: Recovery from sciatica (hip, back and leg pain), tennis elbow, chronic fatigue, and much more. | TMS Forum (The Mindbody Syndrome) (tmswiki.org)
Most of us get here when we've exhausted all other options. That's true for me. Accepting the TMS diagnosis is an important part of the process. But the good news is it's normal and healthy to be skeptical, at first.

Based on what you wrote, you sound very much like a candidate for this process. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that this works! I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Ruth65]

TL;DR: Desperate times call for desperate measures so I'm going to do the things in the Structured Education Program, no matter how ridiculous it seems. I'm 20 years deep into having to give up music, sports, and a basically functional life. I've had Sarno stuff on my rader for 15 years. Apologies if my attitude is a bit much; I am a little worried about bringing negativity to this place but I'm trying to explore these things called "feelings" that this program is focused on.


-Edgerton

Hi @Edgerton !

I am only on Day 2 (and I haven't done those exercises yet), so I have no idea how well this will work in the long run. But I can tell you that today, I went for my first "work out walk" in weeks and when I got a twinge in my lower back (which normally would have sent me right back home), I told myself it was just my anxiety about the walk and kept going. Sure enough, I was able to finish the whole route (even the uphill and downhill bits) without any more pain. This doesn't mean I won't feel pain later, but it does mean that at least for that one occasion, I was able to recognize the pain for what it was. It sounds like you're on the right track, so my advice is to simply keep going. Together, all of us can make it through!

Good luck!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi @Edgerton and welcome.

I will admit that I skimmed the physical symptoms in your story, which I totally get are important for you to be able to write about in detail, if only so you can hopefully look back at the list and see how far you've come! I think I picked up on the key elements, one of which is the many treatments and modalities you've tried, including psychotherapy, and I also picked up that you understand that there's got to be something emotional going on, in spite of the fact that you don't have significant trauma or childhood adversity in your past.

All that being said, I have one word for you to take seriously as you plunge into this work, which is: Vulnerability. With a capital V. Vulnerability is essential to success.

The very title of your thread is a challenge against Vulnerability.

So look, I also didn't have any childhood adversity or trauma, but I did spend six decades struggling with emotional vulnerability. Doing this work helped me overcome that, but it took being willing to be totally honest with myself. When I was doing the SEP, I had to recognize how my brain would literally try to get me to skip over things, convincing me they weren't that important, that maybe they were a little too embarrassing or reminded me of a little bit of guilt or discomfort, and so on.

As strange as it may seem, forcing myself to look at those things taught my repressive brain that they were not dangerous and that it was okay to acknowledge them. They were also very revealing about my adult responses to stressors. This is what helped me recover, and that skill is what continues to work for me anytime I find myself experiencing a setback. To this day, 13 years after doing the SEP in 2011 and recovering from a cascading crisis of symptoms, I still use those lists and free writing techniques whenever I find myself experiencing a setback.

We are not born with a desire - or even the ability - to keep ourselves emotionally shut down. This is something that we are taught to do, and I doubt there is a single member of this forum that did not learn to repress their emotions in childhood. Some experience this to a greater degree than others, even though it is not considered to be traumatic except in the most abusive cases.

Therefore, exploring how you came to be emotionally shut down and afraid of vulnerability is where you need to be willing to go.

It won't be easy. Emotional vulnerability is fucking terrifying to most of us, and our primitive survival-at-all-costs brains are designed to repress anything that provokes a stress response. It's ultimately your choice, between what hurts, vs what hurts worse*.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

*Nicole J Sachs LCSW.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

PS, @Edgerton, there is another V word to watch out for, and that is to examine the role that Victimhood might play in your mindset. Victimhood is a trap which our primitive brains use to keep us stuck in fear, anger, and doubt. Which means that Victimhood is anathema to recovery
Just try to be aware of when your negative brain mechanism tries to trick you into being a victim. And reject it!

 

[Edgerton]

Hi @Edgerton !

I am only on Day 2 (and I haven't done those exercises yet), so I have no idea how well this will work in the long run. But I can tell you that today, I went for my first "work out walk" in weeks and when I got a twinge in my lower back (which normally would have sent me right back home), I told myself it was just my anxiety about the walk and kept going. Sure enough, I was able to finish the whole route (even the uphill and downhill bits) without any more pain. This doesn't mean I won't feel pain later, but it does mean that at least for that one occasion, I was able to recognize the pain for what it was. It sounds like you're on the right track, so my advice is to simply keep going. Together, all of us can make it through!

Good luck!

Howdy, Ruth. Thanks for the kind words

 

[Edgerton]

Welcome Edgerton!

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Standing bothered my back, but I could lift weights without a problem. (Classic evidence of TMS, IMO). Typing and playing guitar were issues for my elbows. (Again, lifting weights was fine).

Here's my story in detail, if you're interested: Recovery from sciatica (hip, back and leg pain), tennis elbow, chronic fatigue, and much more. | TMS Forum (The Mindbody Syndrome) (tmswiki.org)
Most of us get here when we've exhausted all other options. That's true for me. Accepting the TMS diagnosis is an important part of the process. But the good news is it's normal and healthy to be skeptical, at first.

Based on what you wrote, you sound very much like a candidate for this process. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that this works! I wish you the best of luck.

Hiya Tim. Appreciate your comment. You're the first person I've met who had the "standing is bad but weights aren't". I'll give your story a read—thanks for sharing!

 

[Edgerton]

PS, @Edgerton, there is another V word to watch out for, and that is to examine the role that Victimhood might play in your mindset. Victimhood is a trap which our primitive brains use to keep us stuck in fear, anger, and doubt. Which means that Victimhood is anathema to recovery
Just try to be aware of when your negative brain mechanism tries to trick you into being a victim. And reject it!

Thanks for both of your comments, JanAtheCPA. Vulnerability has definitely been a struggle for me. I associate a lot of the success I've had in life to being "hard" so it's been an ongoing thing to try to soften myself up. I think I'm still figuring out what that means tbh. As you state, it will be hard. But I feel ready to do the work.

As for the victimhood thing, I'm not so sure. I haven't told many folks about this. The ones I have usually suggest meditation or something so I just stopped.

And btw, thanks for your comments you've left elsewhere on this forum—I see you all over here and you clearly care a lot about helping this community. I bet this place is really grateful to have you here.

 

[Cactusflower]

"As for the victimhood thing, I'm not so sure. I haven't told many folks about this. The ones I have usually suggest meditation or something so I just stopped."
You may have stopped telling others, but what stories have you told yourself? What do you believe and what do you actually (subconsciously) believe that you aren't even aware of! This is where the psychological factors of TMS come into play - our beliefs and inner conflicts and the things we think about ourselves and the patterns we get into.

Self-Victimization is a sneaky b*stard!

 

[Edgerton]

"As for the victimhood thing, I'm not so sure. I haven't told many folks about this. The ones I have usually suggest meditation or something so I just stopped."
You may have stopped telling others, but what stories have you told yourself? What do you believe and what do you actually (subconsciously) believe that you aren't even aware of! This is where the psychological factors of TMS come into play - our beliefs and inner conflicts and the things we think about ourselves and the patterns we get into.

Self-Victimization is a sneaky b*stard!

Thanks Cactusflower. As I wrote, Sarno's work has been on my radar for so long but I'm wondering if I never truly internalized what it means to rewire the stories we tell ourselves.

 

[Cap'n Spanky]

Hiya Tim. Appreciate your comment. You're the first person I've met who had the "standing is bad but weights aren't". I'll give your story a read—thanks for sharing!

I should probably warn you that I don't go into that particular aspect (weightlifting vs. standing/playing guitar/typing) in my story. I don't want to create false expectations.

 

[Mitocondria]

Welcome

I have felt very identified with many things you have said. We clearly look alike. Even I was also a skinny guy who gained 10 kilos of muscle thanks to gym addiction.

I am on day 10 of the program and I just wrote a letter to my father (the kind that is not sent) admitting that all the anxiety I feel is from having repressed my emotions for so many years. Simply because for some reason I closed myself off.

All my energy went into studying, working, creating projects and training.

This will surely sound familiar to you.

Then came the muscle pains and the carousel of doctors without explanation. I was a little luckier, and a foot reflexology expert freed my energy channels. (with a lot of pain) and the pain went away.

But I didn't solve it, she did. Therefore, I have to continue working on this. Now I suffer from terrible tinnitus after a performance as a DJ. Music has also always been my passion and my hobby.

According to Sarno's book. This is also TMS. My hypersensitized nervous system reveals itself after four hours of music with hearing protection.

Surreal.

Keep writing every day. You will be surprised by the amount of traumas, feelings, hiding and anger that we have accumulated over so many years.

Big hug

 

[Booble]

Hello fellow startup CEO!

They were fine but my big takeaway from them is that I don't have any deep, buried trauma that needs to get worked through.

Guess what, you do.

Actually, no you don't.
Therapy may look for buried trauma, but TMS need not be that big.

What you are seeking here is buried ANGER and RAGE, not trauma.
And the remarkable thing is that it's often over stupid little things. Stupid things that when you think about them intellectually they are nothing. But at the time THEY MADE YOU MAD!

It probably seems like there is no there, there. Afterall you are very successful in your endeavors.

You might find them in little things that made 7 year old Edgerton MAD. Little Edgerton might be PISSED OFF little boy mad!
Or maybe something a Venture Capitalist said or did and you had to swallow it and kiss their ass to get their money.

For whatever reason, for some of us our mind doesn't want to give that anger any acknowledgement or space or recognition of its existence.
And so, for Sarno, our minds/bodies "protect us" by distracting us with all these symptoms. Symptoms that, like you said, don't really make sense.

So, my advice, for what it's worth, is forget the trauma and forget the symptoms and get out your pen and paper and ask yourself, "what am I angry about?"
I thought for sure there was NOTHING I was angry about. I'm not the angry type!
Guess what? I found all kinds of things. Nothing consequential but getting them out and the symptoms all vanished. I mean vanished.

 

[Edgerton]

Welcome

I have felt very identified with many things you have said. We clearly look alike. Even I was also a skinny guy who gained 10 kilos of muscle thanks to gym addiction.

I am on day 10 of the program and I just wrote a letter to my father (the kind that is not sent) admitting that all the anxiety I feel is from having repressed my emotions for so many years. Simply because for some reason I closed myself off.

All my energy went into studying, working, creating projects and training.

This will surely sound familiar to you.

Then came the muscle pains and the carousel of doctors without explanation. I was a little luckier, and a foot reflexology expert freed my energy channels. (with a lot of pain) and the pain went away.

But I didn't solve it, she did. Therefore, I have to continue working on this. Now I suffer from terrible tinnitus after a performance as a DJ. Music has also always been my passion and my hobby.

According to Sarno's book. This is also TMS. My hypersensitized nervous system reveals itself after four hours of music with hearing protection.

Surreal.

Keep writing every day. You will be surprised by the amount of traumas, feelings, hiding and anger that we have accumulated over so many years.

Big hug

Thanks Mitocondria. I'm working through it and interesting things are popping up. Wishing you the best on your own journey too!

 

[Edgerton]

Hello fellow startup CEO!



Guess what, you do.

Actually, no you don't.
Therapy may look for buried trauma, but TMS need not be that big.

What you are seeking here is buried ANGER and RAGE, not trauma.
And the remarkable thing is that it's often over stupid little things. Stupid things that when you think about them intellectually they are nothing. But at the time THEY MADE YOU MAD!

It probably seems like there is no there, there. Afterall you are very successful in your endeavors.

You might find them in little things that made 7 year old Edgerton MAD. Little Edgerton might be PISSED OFF little boy mad!
Or maybe something a Venture Capitalist said or did and you had to swallow it and kiss their ass to get their money.

For whatever reason, for some of us our mind doesn't want to give that anger any acknowledgement or space or recognition of its existence.
And so, for Sarno, our minds/bodies "protect us" by distracting us with all these symptoms. Symptoms that, like you said, don't really make sense.

So, my advice, for what it's worth, is forget the trauma and forget the symptoms and get out your pen and paper and ask yourself, "what am I angry about?"
I thought for sure there was NOTHING I was angry about. I'm not the angry type!
Guess what? I found all kinds of things. Nothing consequential but getting them out and the symptoms all vanished. I mean vanished.

Well, dang. I've been going through each day of the Structured Education Program and I'm about to make my Day 4 post in a separate thread but I have to say: you are right. In short, your comment "I thought for sure there was NOTHING I was angry about. I'm not the angry type!" is in fact directly applicable to me as well. I was having trouble recognizing it. Thanks for the kind words and your support. I appreciate it.

 

[Booble]

Well, dang. I've been going through each day of the Structured Education Program and I'm about to make my Day 4 post in a separate thread but I have to say: you are right. In short, your comment "I thought for sure there was NOTHING I was angry about. I'm not the angry type!" is in fact directly applicable to me as well. I was having trouble recognizing it. Thanks for the kind words and your support. I appreciate it.

You're welcome.
It's an interesting journey for sure!
Who'da thought we are actually.....HUMAN?!