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riv44

riv44

Well known member
I stopped the SEP after a few days and am selective about how I use Schubiner. The focus wasn't quite right for me.
As I have said, I have probably been TMS prone all of my life. The personality traits of TMS describe me well. But they are so general that they might apply to anyone in our society. Perfectionism? Low self-esteem? Universal.

Long story short- it is Rosh HaShana (Jewish Neew Year.). Last night my husband and I sat down to dinner without ignoring each other, rushing, bickering or going over old ground. The kids were not with us (adult children) and we didn't have guests or chaos---we saved that for today.

I sat down with my husband whwo is often the brunt or scapegoat for my anger and pain and initiated a conversation about our relationship. WHo are we now? What do I want from you? What has made me sad? What do I love about you? What IS love anyway? Are you the person you want to be? Am I the person I want to be?

We talked about what we want to be for each other and with each other in the new year? I owned a lot of my TMS craziness--ups and downs, goodism and guilt over not being good enough, activity restriction, pain,resentment, guilt and blame and shame--What we would change about ourselves (as opposed to each other.) We have never had this conversation in 28 years of marriage.That is so shocking I will repeat it. We have never had this conversation in 28 years of marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt like we had had some fantastic intimate time, not in the way you're thinking, but awesome anyway.

Last year, my back pain kept me from enjoying any part of the holiday. And I was so anxious and out of control internally that I couldn't focus on anything.

TODAY-I-HAD-NO-PAIN-WHATSOEVER.

I know now the work I have to do is in the present.
 
I completely agree, the journalling may take you so far, in that you can understand your traits etc. But ultimately, it's the change you make in the here and now that matters. It's important to be fully transparent in all relationships and interactions we have. whilst having a sense of pride and compassion that each interaction and outcome is the best it can be. A memorable interaction leaves a longer and lasting effect on ones mind and body than a bad one.
 
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I once read somewhere that we should see people with our heart (with love and compassion), not our mind, which should only be used for doing etc. Once we learn to shift to this way of thinking, all the preconceptions we once had by using our mind will drift away.
 
Argument and conflict can go on forever. The pain of that should be enough to get one's attention. But the physical pain was a huge cry for something different, because living with it was intolerable and depressing.
It's really hard to share life lessons with others because it can sound simplistic. We here are in a privileged position because it seems to me that our pain made us receptive. And of course, it took a visionary like Dr. Sarno to actually listen to his patients instead of treating them and shooing them out the door. I thought nothing in my life could change, and now it seems that everything can. And I am not afraid of spasms.
 
I just got a "can't stop" trophy for over 100 posts. Given my ocd tendencies, I don't know if that is a good thing.
 
riv44 said:
I sat down with my husband whwo is often the brunt or scapegoat for my anger and pain and initiated a conversation about our relationship. WHo are we now? What do I want from you? What has made me sad? What do I love about you? What IS love anyway? Are you the person you want to be? Am I the person I want to be?

We talked about what we want to be for each other and with each other in the new year? I owned a lot of my TMS craziness--ups and downs, goodism and guilt over not being good enough, activity restriction, pain,resentment, guilt and blame and shame--What we would change about ourselves (as opposed to each other.) We have never had this conversation in 28 years of marriage.That is so shocking I will repeat it. We have never had this conversation in 28 years of marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

Congratulations on enjoying the holiday, and I hope you get to enjoy many more in the future!

I can relate to your story. My mother is visiting me these days. She lives with a man who abuses us, yet she refuses to leave him. Along with my wife, I opened up the discussion of what we want she expects from me. We talked about the guilt I face for not doing enough for her, the resentment I feel towards her for not leaving him, etc. Interestingly, we've never had this conversation earlier either, and, for the first time I felt liberated from the guilt I have carried all my life.
 
Now I have a stuck dynamic with my 26 year old daughter and I am at a loss...more later. It is a part of the work I know I have to do to get better.
 
It sounds like you're having some terrific insights Riv!

I just wanted to support you in saying that some clients focus exclusively on the past and ignore stressors in their present lives. Many client's keys to symptom reduction actually lie in addressing issues that are on-going in their life. Often it's easier for them to search out past pains than focus on uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and events they are currently dealing with (OR NOT DEALING WITH!).

Best of luck to you and your focus on the present,

Andrew
 
+1 Andrew, its great reading that.
''We have never had this conversation in 28 years of marriage''
I think many NEVER have that type of conversation...its really tough to be intimate in today's world AND if you were raised in a certain way(i.e. never to express your emotions, focus on pleasing others).

Great to have you here, these are fantastic insights and I agree about the universality about it all. The sceptic would say he trying to appeal to as many people as possible.
I virtually have never had an honest conversation with my parents about anything so thats something I need to broach at some point.
It is a real struggle for me to call the troops off and let down my guard.
 
I think I have told you all that I am soon going to surpass my mom's age when she died. It is a symbolic as well as a literal moment. I think I became constricted because of our relationship and her illness(es), and I now have an opportunity for a future.
 
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