Stumbling block in progress - please help!

[PepperGirl]

Hi there
I am searching for some help as my symptoms have gone through a period of such improvement and then today I came crashing down with more severe symptoms that I haven't had so badly for a while and I'm hoping someone can help me as I am struggling to uncover the psychological elements, or at least how to calm the psychologically elements down for real at the moment. This is largely to do with the fact I am unable to change 2major stressors in my life.
I have leg pain, sciatica symptoms and have been totally engaged in the TMS approach since end of April and like I say have made good progress. Today I went back to work after a week's holiday (I am a teacher) and I did not have a particularly 'difficult' day but as almost as soon as I was home the pain increased. It was my husband's birthday and I had made a cake etc for him so he arrived home after picking up my one year old son from nursery. We were having a cake etc when my mother-in law called round with a present for him but uninvited I hasten to add! My mother-in-law is a great cause of tension for me and I recognise this but I struggle with what to do when I feel tension mounting in this type of scenario as it seems like such a mundane situation and I realise I tend to berate myself for getting 'wound up' by something I cannot change. I wonder if anyone has any advice here as I can't have my mother-in-law triggering my pain as she certainly isn't going to change.
Secondly an issue I am struggling with is my work (school for 11-16 year olds) who are not accepting my request for part-time hours. They gave me part-time for one-term only (after maternity leave and then one term of sick leave due to my then supposed ' back problems')which means that while I am part time currently is is only temporarily, as the next academic year, which is September here, means I have to go back full time. I know I am 'angry' about this but have to be 'allowing' about it as I had no luck applying to 2 other schools for part-time, so due to deadlines for handing in your notice I am obliged to go back full-time in September. I am unable to not work as my husband is a teacher also and doesn't earn enough for us to live off his wage alone. This means my one-year old in nursery and with my mother-in-law whilst I am in work full time, which thanks to Sarno's HBP I recognise makes me 'angry' and I am struggling to accept the situation as I feel quite forced into it. Although I can see that if I continue to dwell on it and over analyse it I won't be helping my healing journey which sometimes feels so nearly there!

Sorry for the long post but any suggestions or ideas on books to read that may help this type of issue that is fuelling my symptoms and pain? I have read HBP and SteveO 'pain deception' and working with an online programme by a TMS therapist here in the UK. I don't have a therapist I visit regularly or can talk to, hence by posting for help here!
Many thanks for any support.

 

[Leslie]

Hi Peppergirl
Sure sounds like you have plenty of cause for your symptoms to be flaring. As cliche as it will likely read, I think key for you right now is to keep your focus on the present, change the things you can, and accept the things you can't (that doesn't mean you have to "like" those things, just that you recognize they are what they are). Try not to think about September, it's only the beginning of June - many, many things can change between now and then. As far as the MIL goes, maybe she'll change, maybe she won't, either way, the decision to change lies with her. Rather than focus on the parts of her you wish would change, and subsequently suffering through the triggered flare ups, would it be possible for you switch your focus to the way you react and respond to her? It sounds as though she's a fairly involved member of your family so any progress you could make towards changing your reactions to her would likely go a long way toward improving your own health, as well as the overall well-being of your family. The tension between the 2 of you likely affects your husband and child too, so if you can't do it for yourself just yet, maybe you can make a start by doing it for them.

Focus on the here and now, minute by minute. Keep the wonderful things in your life firmly in focus and push the rest out. The symptoms will pass, they've done it before, they'll do it again and you already know they're no worthy of worry.

 

[Lori]

I would journal about what bugs me about my MIL. What is it specifically? I was listening to a program the other day and the Dr. said anything that disturbs our peace is OUR problem to acknowledge and resolve. Sometimes this takes acceptance on our part (realizing that we can change ourselves but not others) or perhaps even speaking up for ourselves.
example idea: How did you feel when MIL stopped by? this would be an opportunity to say to your husband (or her) " I understand her wanting to see her son but we would appreciate being told (or ASKED?) about visits in the future, would you please try to consider that next time?" Framed the right way you could see a change in behavior. Perhaps she doesn't realize you have your own lives and schedules now? Just putting some options out there.
I see journaling opportunities here. Keep in mind that sometimes when writing about issues we do find clarity or another way to view the situation. I'm speaking from experience on that!

 

[PepperGirl]

Thanks Leslie and Lori for your really helpful replies. It does help so much for someone to give advice objectively but from the point of view of a fellow TMS sufferer. I am working on being more allowing with my MIL. this worked at the weekend where I didn't want to be involved in an event but rather than totally resist and feel angry, or totally 'do what I'm told' and feel angry, I reached a compromise that kept everything more at peace, including me. I'm starting to see that any resistance creates more emotional turmoil for myself and no-one else, it's me that suffers, but I can control this! A long journey and the penny drops more often now. The balance between pleasing people and doing what I want without worrying if I've upset people is my biggest battle. When I get strong, I then spend too long worrying if Ive hurt people! At least I'm recognising this at last though and amazed how this controls my symptoms. True mind-body connection. Thanks so much again for the help