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Stuck In Fear

Two things about what @Duggit pointed out, that I learned from some folks who experienced and work with a lot of TMS folks.
You can’t change personality traits but you can choose to react/respond to the triggers they can bring.
You can’t change personality choose to use your traits to your benefit, and not to engage in them so meaningfully when they don’t serve you.
Gain a better understanding of personality traits vs learned coping mechanisms. People pleasing is a learned coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms like these can change, we just need to learn and practice the interpersonal skills to employ the change.
 
I went back to the SEP regarding personality traits-https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Personality_Traits

I looked at people pleasing as a copy mechanism. Not a personality trait. But I did see it on the Personality traits page-which now makes it a bit confusing.

So for my example about last night-my mom wanted me to do something that I do not want to do. If I ignore it or say no, she will get mad at me. But now I've set boundaries after learning about TMS. However a new situation has come up and she has basically told me what to do. And last night, I thought what would be best for me and my family and made my decision. And then I told her no because if I did it, it would be only to make her happy and it would make me mad that I didn't stand up for myself.

I'll read more on personality traits vs coping mechanisms. This is making much more sense to me as to why I've been stuck in healing. I still have some more work to dig into.
 
Joulegirl said:
I said what I was thinking and it was not easy. But I'm obviously putting myself last in a lot of things and that has to change if I want to get better.
Click to expand...

I relate to it not being easy absolutely - and I love the awareness of the last sentence - the great thing about this journey is not only will that change likely reduce your pain, but it gives you a larger, overall benefit that is priceless and will improve your life substantially (removed from the pain itself) :)
 
Look at people pleasing this way: You most likely were not conceived with this idea in your brain, it was something you learned along the way.

So last night you set a boundary, and you stood by that boundary, even if it would cause friction that may have caused triggers for you in the past. It most likely wasn't comfortable, and brought sensations and emotions in the body (not necessarily symptoms, but sensations none the less). I can feel really intensely when I set and stick to boundaries for things that used to be triggers. I just lean into those feelings, those sensations in the body. I even let the thoughts run wild because I understand now that the thoughts are just that - not dangerous in any way, they just are. I think the "not easy" part eventually comes more easily as you become less sensitized to the thoughts, feelings and emotions - they eventually just don't carry the same weight towards yourself over time. This can really reduce some of the internal stress.
 
Joulegirl said:
However a new situation has come up and she has basically told me what to do. And last night, I thought what would be best for me and my family and made my decision. And then I told her no because if I did it, it would be only to make her happy and it would make me mad that I didn't stand up for myself.
Click to expand...
When I started setting boundaries like that, some people were nonplussed — even dumbfounded — by the ‘new’ me. A few thought I was going a bit nuts (lol), and others kept testing those limits until I’d said no a few times. Just thought I’d mention it, since if it happens to you, it’s completely normal.
 
BloodMoon said:
When I started setting boundaries like that, some people were nonplussed — even dumbfounded — by the ‘new’ me. A few thought I was going a bit nuts (lol), and others kept testing those limits until I’d said no a few times. Just thought I’d mention it, since if it happens to you, it’s completely normal.
Click to expand...
I know what you mean...ha ha. I too, experienced this.
 
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