Stuck in cycle of severe anxiety and sensitization

I have been suffering for a number of years from extreme anxiety and sensitization, which is only seemingly to somehow get worse. Everyday I wake up in the morning to feelings of panics in my body, even though nothing is happening. Long story short, I was in a living situation that traumaized me deeply for 5 years that I could not escape from. It caused intense panic and distress on me everyday. I am now in a MUCH better situation for the last 1 1/2 years…but it’s like my brain and body has not taken a hint. I walk around with anxiety in my body all day long. I’ve just sort of learned to live with it, but it’s absolute hell. The only relief I get is at night, after 11 PM. The anxiety just goes away almost completely. For this reason I’ve chosen to stay up til 3 AM most nights cause it’s the only time I can focus and enjoy anything.


Despite devoting an enormous ammount of time daily to learning about TMS, anxiety, and sensitization, none of it has done anything to helping me in my recovery. I have regularly been watching youtube channels from Samuel Eddy, Tanner Murtaugh, the DARE approach to anxiety, Vacate Fear, David Hanscom, Russel Kennedy (Anxiety Rx) and of course have read Alan Gordon’s book many times as well as Dr. Schubiner’s work, Claire Weekes, etc etc. My symptoms couldn’t be higher. The fact that I have done so much research, and been in pain for so long with no relief or improvement, just leads me to dwell on the possibility that I will be in horrible pain for the rest of my life. This of course just causes my anxiety and symptoms to flare up even more. It is literally the most terrifying experience I have ever had. The only word that comes close to describing it accurately is hell. I get OCD thoughts, DP/DR all the time. My anxiety is so out of control I am tempted to check into a hospital. But I know modern medicine will be useless to bring me any lasting help.

It’s not just anxiety, i am having constant severe gut issues and daily migraine headaches. I cannot properly function or go to work the later is something I have beat myself up over and I’m trying to give myself grace for because I know its not my fault). The fact is I put an ENORMOUS ammount of pressure on myself and beat myself up for not living up to others expectations and I do see myself as a total failure and i find it very hard to live with myself.


The worst thing is not be able to explain any of this to anyone, people just think I’m making it up.


I know exactly what is going on with me, its just once the nervous system is super sensitized and on alert like this, it gains so much momentum it becomes almost impossible to calm it down. I can’t sit with it without freaking out. And there is a huge psychological component to this. I can’t enjoy life anymore, I can’t sit and do any hobbies I use to. I can’t sit still and focus on anything. I can’t be productive. And it’s made me a VERY angry person. And because of that, no one wants to be around me. So I’ve become very isolated. Very hard to get out of pain when isolated like this. Social connection does wonders for my pain! A couple months ago I was having horrible anxiety, I went to a friend’s birthday party. I left that night…with absolutely no pain.


Now I had a period of time for a few months about a year ago where my symptoms and anxiety were much much lower, to the point they practically were unnoticable. For the life of me I don’t know why. The only thing I can think of is for some reason I chose to accept my situation in life and make peace with it a lot better.


I am desperate for any insight. Any at all.

 

Hi @Davideus85
I think you can absolutely get out of this. I did, and I had enormous anxiety.
The first thing you’ll need to do is to simply stop trying so hard. You are putting enormous pressure on yourself to do “it all” and that creates a panic type reaction.
Dial it back, and start simply. When you notice the sensations of anxiety, just be there with them. Notice them. Don’t push them away, no pressure that you “should not” have these sensations. They are there for now, and may come and go in your life but they are harmless. You may find that “methods” are too overwhelming or increase anxiety eg: tracking or “doing” anything. Right now, your goal is not to do, and just be with.
You’ll probably feel Ike you aren’t “doing enough” or catastrophize that you should “do more” try more and harder, but early on when super sensitized, you want to do less “work” and have more gentle enjoyments in life. Enjoyment alone will be a challenge but you fake it until you make it.
Quiet solitary walks: no phone, no headphones.. just you in the quietest place you can find.
Unplug from the news and world events, separate yourself from social media. Reduce/eliminate violence in books and movies and music which may mean exposing yourself to new things like sitar music, instrumental jazz, oldies.. new kinds of books or non-fiction about your hobbies and interests (even if you no longer feel interested, do it -it will return).
Take breaks to just enjoy a few breaths, check in with your body -not symptoms but emotions or even the somatic sensations of your feet on the floor, butt in your chair…or look out the window.
Do this for awhile: days -weeks or months until you notice any changes (which may be subtle). Eg: moments of a clearer head, an interest in something other than your current state..
At that point you can slowly begin to more forward doing “more” TMS work, but this might take some time. You will slowly begin to respond to the world around you instead of feeling you are constantly reacting and overwhelmed.

Obsessive research knowledge, TMS scrolling etc is actually an avoidance, a resistance to doing the work even if our mind tells us we are doing the work…

Even if it’s hard: go out to quiet places. Go to get a quiet meal or a picnic, enjoy a lovely decaf coffee or tea (no stimulants in this phase!) and sit with it somewhere observing the world, the sky, the trees or the people. Make your favorite meal.. small indulgences that are easy.
My last suggestion is if this is still tough, find a good EMDR therapist you can see in person. Many LSW’s practice this (less expensive). It will really help your mind with the anger, depression, anxiety.