Stuck in cycle of severe anxiety and sensitization

I have been suffering for a number of years from extreme anxiety and sensitization, which is only seemingly to somehow get worse. Everyday I wake up in the morning to feelings of panics in my body, even though nothing is happening. Long story short, I was in a living situation that traumaized me deeply for 5 years that I could not escape from. It caused intense panic and distress on me everyday. I am now in a MUCH better situation for the last 1 1/2 years…but it’s like my brain and body has not taken a hint. I walk around with anxiety in my body all day long. I’ve just sort of learned to live with it, but it’s absolute hell. The only relief I get is at night, after 11 PM. The anxiety just goes away almost completely. For this reason I’ve chosen to stay up til 3 AM most nights cause it’s the only time I can focus and enjoy anything.


Despite devoting an enormous ammount of time daily to learning about TMS, anxiety, and sensitization, none of it has done anything to helping me in my recovery. I have regularly been watching youtube channels from Samuel Eddy, Tanner Murtaugh, the DARE approach to anxiety, Vacate Fear, David Hanscom, Russel Kennedy (Anxiety Rx) and of course have read Alan Gordon’s book many times as well as Dr. Schubiner’s work, Claire Weekes, etc etc. My symptoms couldn’t be higher. The fact that I have done so much research, and been in pain for so long with no relief or improvement, just leads me to dwell on the possibility that I will be in horrible pain for the rest of my life. This of course just causes my anxiety and symptoms to flare up even more. It is literally the most terrifying experience I have ever had. The only word that comes close to describing it accurately is hell. I get OCD thoughts, DP/DR all the time. My anxiety is so out of control I am tempted to check into a hospital. But I know modern medicine will be useless to bring me any lasting help.

It’s not just anxiety, i am having constant severe gut issues and daily migraine headaches. I cannot properly function or go to work the later is something I have beat myself up over and I’m trying to give myself grace for because I know its not my fault. The fact is I put an ENORMOUS ammount of pressure on myself and beat myself up for not living up to others expectations and I do see myself as a total failure and i find it very hard to live with myself.


The worst thing is not be able to explain any of this to anyone, people just think I’m making it up. I don’t have “severe sensitization”, I’m just lazy and don’t want to work. Gut issues aren’t from emotional/trauma issues. You’re just eating something bad. Cut it out of your diet and you’ll be good to go.


I know exactly what is going on with me, its just once the nervous system is super sensitized and on alert like this, it gains so much momentum it becomes almost impossible to calm it down. I can’t sit with it without freaking out. And there is a huge psychological component to this. I can’t enjoy life anymore, I can’t sit and do any hobbies I use to. I can’t sit still and focus on anything. I can’t be productive. And it’s made me a VERY angry person. And because of that, no one wants to be around me. So I’ve become very isolated. Very hard to get out of pain when isolated like this. Social connection does wonders for my pain! A couple months ago I was having horrible anxiety, I went to a friend’s birthday party. I left that night…with absolutely no pain.


Now I had a period of time for a few months about a year ago where my symptoms and anxiety were much much lower, to the point they practically were unnoticable. For the life of me I don’t know why. The only thing I can think of is for some reason I chose to accept my situation in life and make peace with it a lot better.


I am desperate for any insight. Any at all.