Stuck and depressed

[Wings313]

First, thanks to all who have helped and encouraged me - on the forum and in PMs. I have the TMS personality to a "T" and my main symptom is irritable bladder, or really mostly just very frequent urinary urge (but I don't actually go that often). I feel stuck and I'm very depressed and anxious...I'm sure it's actually about other stuff but it feels like I'm depressed about my symptom. One thing I get stuck on is that with urination, everyone has to urinate; it's not like pain - so what do I do with this symptom as far as when to go or when to ignore? But trying to ignore feels like fighting it to me. I'm confused too because TMS literature says don't fight it, don't be afraid of it...so should I just say please, keep feeling this way? There are times when the feeling/urge fades, but I'm still SO obsessing on it waiting for it to come back...which then of course it does. A whole other thing to add to this mix is that I'm pregnant - yup, so frequent urination is a real pregnancy symptom, but I'm feeling how I felt before pregnancy with this urinary thing so I know it's not just pregnancy. I'm about to start taking antidepressants again because I'm losing my appetite, my ability to care for my daughter in some ways, etc...and it's really bad to be so depressed while pregnant. At the same time there are risks with the antidepressants, although small. I have OCD too, so the obsessive loop is very difficult to break in my mind to even do the TMS work fully...and meds can help with that. I am rambling but would love to hear people's honest thoughts and PLEASE if anyone has dealt with frequent urination (maybe I've asked this before), what did you do about the actual real need to urinate?

Something that really sets me back is obsessively googling about this symptom and getting directed toward horror stories (like interstitial cystitis - by the way, about a year ago I went to two urologists about this who did NOT diagnose me with that or think it was serious), wondering if maybe I do have something physical after all, should I explore bladder meds, etc. But the TMS theory makes more sense to me. How do I stop googling?!?

I'm being really vulnerable here which is difficult, but I'm in a bad spot. I wish I could enjoy this pregnancy that we tried really hard for but it's been pretty awful.

 

[Gigalos]

Hi Wings,
Stop googling at once!! That is my first response. Go see a doctor to rule out anything serious and if so, work on it as a mind driven symptom.
Don't fight it, yes, easily said... I know... The frequent urination urge is pretty common, I experienced it during my time at university. I was fearful of going outside and had problems falling asleep. One way of coping was frequently and secretly touching (not in that way!!! ) my friend below and not staying indoors out of fear. The touching refocused me in some way away from the urinary urge, but it never worked for a long time. My doctor also said that humans are capable of holding their urine for more than a day, probably a very relaxed human, but that realization also helped. A friend of mine also suffered from this two years later as if he were a copycat, which really convinced me it was purely mind driven. I didn't know how to really cope with it back then, but over time it slowly disappeared and (now that I look back) changed into other symptoms.
If I would get it now, I would try to visualize myself peeing my pants in public. So @#$%ing what?! I saw a guy on television who stated 'every person that says he didn't pee himself once in his life time is a liar'. The people who will condemn you for it are clearly not your friend and probably never will be, most people however will emphatize and might even help you. In some way being pregnant might be beneficial in this, because only the rudest of people will take advantage of a pregnant woman peeing her pants.
Please go read Claire Weekes her book(s). She is really good at striking the right chord when it comes to anxiety and she gives really good advice on how to overcome it.
hope this all helps you in some way, take care
Giga

 

[Ellen]

I feel stuck and I'm very depressed and anxious...I'm sure it's actually about other stuff but it feels like I'm depressed about my symptom.

Hi Wings313,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much now. I think the statement above is an important one. Remember that TMS is there to distract you from repressed emotions. I encourage you to look at what the psychological issues are behind your symptoms. Having the support of a therapist is helpful for this, especially if you are feeling depressed.

I wonder if you tried a purely behavioral approach to your symptom of frequent urination. The process would go something like this: after voiding your bladder, decide to not give into the urge to go again for X amount a time. (Pick a time you can be successful with. It's OK to start small.) Then tell yourself that since you just went to the bathroom, you don't really need to go again till X time. Then after you are able to achieve that goal comfortably for a period of time, increase the time interval a bit. Continue this process until you can reach a urination frequency that is typical for a pregnant woman. It's taking baby steps towards your goal, instead of just hoping the symptom will completely go away.

I've shared with you in the past that I had this symptom, but it has disappeared as I've worked on TMS strategies over the last year. I believe this is due to being more relaxed and less anxious. So I encourage you to use relaxation techniques like guided meditation and deep breathing. And of course, the Claire Weekes audio and books are great.

Hoping you are able to find some relief soon.

 

[Wings313]

Thanks to you both! I just got the Claire Weekes book but reading about the symptoms made me a little more anxious actually. I'll keep at it.

However, it's different from what both of you are saying: I'm not at all afraid of peeing my pants in public. And I can totally hold it for a long time - often because nothing is really there. So it's not like I need to train myself to not go so often. I already don't go that often (unless it's really obvious that it's a real sensation). So it's literally just being afraid of the FEELING of having to go and being bothered by it. It's not increased or decreased by not being around a toilet, or not much, because that's not the issue. My OBGYN said I should go every hour at this stage of the pregnancy and more often as it progresses. I kind of try to do that (often go longer than an hour), but the feeling of having to go is still there the whole time. Does any of this make sense? I feel like no one really understands my symptom or has had it...although through googling I've discovered that a lot of anxious people have posted about it on random health boards and such.

So part of me just thinks I should sit with the feeling, as if it were pain (which is basically what I do now anyway)...but then what if I actually have to go and can't tell? Sitting with it isn't going to help it go away. But maybe that's okay? I'm not endangering myself by "holding it" because I don't really have a lot of urine in there.

If I am truly distracted, I realize later that the urge to go wasn't there (and this could be like only for a minute at times). But I so very rarely can get truly distracted away from it. It's obsessionally on my mind. Of course it's better at work when I am doing something else, but my work is pretty tedious and not enough to fully engage my mind.

 

[Wings313]

It's hard to explain what I'm saying, but maybe I should forget the whole idea of what to do with this feeling at all. I thought I was doing that last fall but it was still there. But I still had preoccupation and monitoring and fear of it.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Have you thought of wearing underwear for incontinent men?
It might take your mind off being afraid of going in your pants.

Like a Dumbo's feather that you probably won't need,
but just to have in case.

 

[Wings313]

Walt - again, no I'm not afraid of peeing my pants and that's not what my mind is obsessed on.

Also, Gigalos, you said to go see a doctor. Last year I went to two different urologists about this issue who did not think it was anything serious and agreed it was anxiety. I went to Dr. Schubiner in person and he agreed with the TMS diagnosis (didn't do an exam or anything). Are you saying I should do more bladder tests? I know they can do cystoscopies, urodynamics tests, etc...but I've that sometimes those make things worse and don't show anything pathological anyway. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do any of those things while pregnant anyway, plus it could have the nocebo effect since urologists tend to diagnose people with stuff even without any physical evidence of anything wrong. I went on overactive bladder meds for a while last year that didn't help; I tried the special bladder diet that didn't seem to have an effect; I've had times of no symptoms whatsoever while eating all the "bad" bladder foods...it comes back when I'm focused on it and afraid of it and wondering whether it will go away. It seems like TMS to me...

 

[Ellen]

Sorry I misunderstood. It sounds like anxiety/fear about the feeling is the problem. I think Claire Weekes is your best strategy to address this. It sounds like you need to calm down your nervous system. Have you listened to her audio recordings? They are soothing just to listen to.

 

[Gigalos]

Hi Wings,
I mean you should see a doctor if you are scared there is something serious going on. If you are already convinced by doctors that it is mind driven, than I see no reason to see a doctor.
Your obsession sounds very TMS to me and think it is great that you already started with Claire Weekes, please continue reading. Fear is just your mind playing tricks and accepting it rather than fighting it will make things better. Read and discover the wisdom of Facing, Accepting, Floating and Giving it time... Wishing you all the best.

 

[Wings313]

Just want to touch back to all my old posts because it's always nice to hear how things worked out. I am doing MUCH better. My urinary stuff was and is completely TMS/mind-body stuff. I am convinced of that. Not even physical therapy helped. What I've found helped the most is not fearing the symptom, and not changing anything physically because of the symptom (I would walk differently, clench, cut out foods/drink, etc...but now I try not to). Take away the power of the symptom by not being afraid of it! Tell yourself - oh well, even if I have this symptom forever, it's going to be okay, it won't ruin my life, etc. Even the typical TMS/Freudian anger work didn't really help, although it can be a good exercise to do. For me it's all about dismissing it (the TMS symptom), not giving it power, not giving it attention.