Hello everyone! I've been still fighting through my relapse. It's been about two months now, and the pain is getting steadily worse, which I know means that my fear of it is giving it a nice hospitable home. This relapse was so different than the first time I "beat" TMS. The first time, right after I discovered TMS and Sarno, I was just SO incredibly relieved to have a reason for my pain and to no longer go around in circles believing in a structural cause and cure. I immediately 100% believed my pain was TMS because it just made sense. About two weeks after discovering TMS, I was cured and felt great. I started by resuming normal activities, removing my "crutches" - pillows and blankets I was using while sitting and sleeping - and challenged myself by taking a long car ride to visit family. Once I conquered that car ride, I felt like I had conquered the ultimate challenge and told my pain I had won. And I did for about three months. Until it came back and came back in a new place in a whole new type of pain. This time, the pain is in the opposite side and its actually more intense most of the time, which I didn't think was possible after last time. I've known from the very beginning of this relapse that it is 100% TMS. Not only because I understand how TMS works, but I also know I didn't even DO anything physically that could have remotely caused this. The problem this time around is that I have 100% fallen VICTIM to TMS. I have tried so many things- journaling, being more in touch with my emotions, focusing on my breathing (I'm a breath holder), reading TMS books, visiting the forums, watching success videos, guided meditation, tapping. I even get acupuncture, but not for the pain - I've been working with my acupuncture doctor to focus on the mind/body connection. He doesn't even put the needles in my "trouble spot." And before you say I'm working too hard, I've also been NOT working on TMS. I've been working out, focusing on getting back in shape (I'm very into fitness and through my pain journey over the past year, I've gained 10 lbs and lost some of my stamina and muscle tone), keeping busy, traveling, spending time with family and friends, never canceling plans or letting my pain stop me from doing things. I've even been staying away from this site lately because I felt that I was spending too much time working on TMS. Lately, I've been telling myself that I know the pain and incredibly tight muscles (like a tightly stretched rubber band from my butt to calf) are from oxygen deprivation and it'll go away once my mind lets go. The problem is, I've begun to feel helpless to my mind and TMS. Throughout this relapse, I've really felt like I'm just at the mercy of whenever my mind decides to let me be pain free. TMS, for such a planner and solver, is so challenging for me because there are all these vague "rules" you're supposed to follow, but you're still never guaranteed when it's going to all click and give you relief. I just have such a hard time with that and it has resulted in me feeling helpless to TMS, which I know just means that it will keep sticking around. Today is a perfect example- we had friends in town visiting us and we were really looking forward to it. I had pain throughout the week, but I told myself that I wasn't going to let TMS affect my weekend. I had a really fun time. It bothered me sitting in our patio chairs on Friday night, but I didn't dwell on it. We went out to a bar/restaurant last night and I sat the whole night and talked and laughed and didn't think about my pain once. Our friends were leaving this morning, and as I rolled over in bed to get moving to see them off, I had an excruciating spasm in my glute that took my breath away. All day today, my pain has been at a 9. I told myself that I knew what it was doing- it was hitting back at me for ignoring it and having a fun night last night- but even though I KNOW what it's doing, it's not letting up. So after this long-winded story, my question is- how do I work on not feeling like a victim to TMS and so at its mercy? I've given it power, and I'm not sure how to take it back. Talking to or yelling at my brain has NOT helped throughout all of this. One more thing- I know everyone will ask me if I've done the SEP. The truth is, I did it for a few weeks the first time I beat TMS, and I tried to go back to it again during this relapse, but I really didn't get much value out of it. I don't really believe that my TMS comes from repressed emotions. I think mine is more based on personality traits and the very fearful personality. And I'm also very in touch with how I have come to develop those personality traits and fear, so I don't really feel like searching for something deeper from my childhood is the answer. If you've read this far, thanks, and I look forward to your thoughts.