Struggling, mother angry at me.

[Edmond]

Hi ! My name is Edmond, I'm 22 years old from Spain and suffer from TMS for 3 years and half.
All began in 2012 with a mid back pain during a workout exercise. I discovered TMS 10 months ago and I experienced the book cure first week, then I got back to my old state.
Now after 3 years and half my symptoms are: severe tightness and pain in my neck, shoulders and the entire back, strange noise in my ears all the time, constipation, insomnia, tachycardia
,migraines, sore eyes, voice problems, breathing difficulties, always I feel without mental and physical energy.
About a month ago and several times before, I had 2-3 days of big improvements (40-70% better) because I managed somehow to not focus on the symptoms and believe I get better. Now I am stuck in the old pattern and I don't know what to do to get better.
The problem is TMS took over my life entirely in the last 3 years, now I have no friends, I have difficulties to socialize, last year I got kicked out of the university due to bad grades, now I am at another university but I still can't focus on studying with TMS going on. My mother is very angry at me because I don't get better. She doesn't understand TMS and is not interested in it. She thinks I will never get better and is mad at me because now I am only concerned with TMS and I don't want to go to another doctors. Today I said to her that my personality was the cause that I got so ill and she kept comparing other people with me and saying nobody have the problems I have and I am close minded. I got really mad at her and screamed loud to leave me alone. I am sick of this. Despite that my mother thinks my childhood was good, for me was not good at all, There were serious family problems(between my parents) from the day I was born until I got TMS, at age 18, my relationship with my father was not good at all, first 7 years of my life I lived in an isoleted place of the city, I had always been beaten and bullied by other kids. My personality was to always be good with everybody, never to insult, never to be angry. I was timid all the time and I had a low social life. However when I experienced the book cure I felt that I was a completely different person, my personality changed completely when my symptoms got better.
In the last 10 months I read the books (Healing Back Pain, The Divided Mind, Mindbody Prescription), I learned a lot about mindfulness and I do meditation, I did work on my emotions, think about them and feel them, when I feel them I get a little bit better, but only few minutes. My problem is that I still focus on my back, I think about how tight my muscles are all day and if I am getting distracted with something, symptoms still don't improve because my relation with them doesn't change. Every time I improved, has always been when I was thinking differently about my symptoms.
I would like some suggestions or if somebody had gone trough something similar to share with me. Thanks.

 

[Lexington]

Hi Edmond you are having a really tough time but you are in the right place and have the right diagnosis, you will find a lot of support here. Your Mum wants to "fix you" probably because it is hard for her to accept a psychological answer. Does she have difficulty expressing her true emotions? Does she not want to think about the past? You should also look at the SEP on this site as well as reading Sarno. The key tools are journalling and learning to really feel your emotions. We pile a lot of stuff on top to stop us getting to this. Did your parents know you were bullied? What did they do? I think you need to look at that. The SEP will help. Good luck

 

[Edmond]

Hi Lexington, thanks for your response.
My mom is also a goodist and she does not express her emotions, she doesn't want to think about the past at all. Today I was telling her about my childhood and she knows I have been bullied but said to not think about it, then she got mad and said that my cousin and other people also had a bad childhood and does not have any health problems, however my cousin does not have the personality I have, quite the opposite. The major problem is ultimately I am being more positive and optimistic because a month ago I got a lot better for 3 days, but my mom keeps asking me every day if I got better, then she sits beside me and is being negative, constantly worryng about me and saying to me I will never get better if I continue like this (learning about TMS). I told her to read Sarno book and help me too with this, but she took it like an insult. When all this is happening my mood goes down and I am being more frustrated.
I have just begun SEP program today and I will definitely work more on feeling my emotions.

 

[Adamrex]

i agree with Lexington, youre in the right place. give yourself a pat on the back for following your heart and mind and pursuing proper forms of treatment in spite of the naysayers.

one valuable skill i have learned in life is that adults are not always right. they are not ideal forms of human beings that we should respect no matter what, and follow the advice of no matter what. many of them are immoral, egotistical, consistently close minded, and also commonly straight up unintelligent.

i think you should assess your mother on an objective level so that you can overcome your concern about how angry you seem to think youre making her. from an outsider's perspective, here are some thoughts:

she cares about you quite a bit
obviously loves you very much
seems to be a very good person

however, objectively, she seems fairly close minded. in my opinion, you need to accept this as a personality trait which she possesses. in my experience adults tend to be set in their ways, good or bad, so you cant worry about the fact that you are unable to get your mother to understand about your condition. you cant let this ruin your confidence! you are open minded! you are intelligent, and thoughtful. take your mother off of the all-knowing pedestal that we tend to put adults on, because there is no such thing. they are people with flaws just like us. generate some self compassion for your condition instead of seeking it through your mom. accept her as a caring person in your life but dont let her uninformed rationale affect your analytical conclusions! look deeper into psychological treatment. you KNOW you can get better via psychological means, so pursue psychological means further. i am right here with you, at the same step in my own treatment.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Edmond,

I am glad you came to this Wiki/Forum and glad you started the SEP. Welcome.

I am happy you have had some relief, when your attitude or understanding about your TMS picture was clear. This is a great start. No one here can diagnose TMS. Have you had physicians look at you and rule out other problems? No, I am not your mother, just want to make sure you have followed up medically on things to make sure there is not another cause to your symptoms.

Overall, it sounds like TMS to me.

Your relationship with your mother seems really important to you, yet conflicting. She obviously does not support your approach to your medical problems. Nor does she understand your life, from your perspective. Essentially you may need to tell her: "Mom, I love you, and I am following my own path. I don't want your interference!"

The SEP will help you learn more about your inner dynamics, and perhaps shed more light on your relationship with your mother. This will be helpful, because part of what may be causing inner tension is the desire to be in relationship with her, conflicting with the need for you to be true to yourself. One way to work with TMS with this is just to see the conflicts, imagine how the Inner Child is feeling, and connect this to symptoms. Just being aware of the probable causes of your pain and other symptoms is enough to begin to undo them.

Also, have you considered psychotherapy? It would be great to have someone to talk to about your troubles, besides your mother, who obviously does not support you all the way!

Finally, I hope you can get some time away from your mother, with friends, have some fun, even if limited by symptoms. As you do the SEP, try to let go of the thoughts about the pain, and find ways to distract and have fun.

Andy B.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

My problem is that I still focus on my back, I think about how tight my muscles are all day and if I am getting distracted with something, symptoms still don't improve because my relation with them doesn't change. Every time I improved, has always been when I was thinking differently about my symptoms.

This is a very good insight. Build on this, and don't beat yourself up about it. Notice the pattern, and try to have compassion for yourself when you get caught in fear and monitoring. Here is an article on Fear that may help.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/understanding-and-overcoming-fear.8574/

 

[Edmond]

Hi Adamrex, thanks for your comment. I will keep in mind what you have said, I will not let my mom destroy my confidence, We can recover from this.

Hi Andy, I had X-Rays, MRI, blood test and some heart tests, there was nothing found. Now I am sure I don't have a serious disease, 3 months ago I had experienced a week of big improvements as I came to the conclusion that all I learned about my symptoms was wrong and the pain,the tightness I feel are not real, haha, it was crazy, I lost all the fear and for a day I was almost pain free. I did not consider psychotherapy yet, for now I will work on SEP and soon I am going to read two books, "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" and "The Great Pain Deception". I will definitely try to do more activities during the day. Thanks for your suggestions.

 

[Maribel]

"part of what may be causing inner tension is the desire to be in relationship with her, conflicting with the need for you to be true to yourself." This is so true!!!

Edmond, tu madre te dio la vida, que es el mas maravilloso regalo, lo demás suéltalo y vive tu vida!