Struggle

Hi,
Just needing some comfort.
Insomnia for days with crippling sciatica and butt pain when going to bed. 8 years of suffering with no healing from all the books and therapists. Its time to give up.... can't go on like this... enraging knowing many cured and living pain free normal lives from reading a book and doing the work whilst i suffer in silence..... good bye....

 

Cs64

I don't know if you are really thinking of ending your life?

All I can say is I know what it feels like to be there and I've had many friends who have been to that point, whether it's intense mental anguish or physical pain, but usually a combination of both. Sometimes it feels like the only control we have left is to end the suffering in the most extreme way. And in a way it does give us some control. Sometimes I needed to really hit the bottom and know what was there before finding my way back.

I am not one of those who believe suicide is a selfish thing to do. I think most people who simplify it that much have never been to that place. Sometimes it feels like our only choice. Of course it does leave a terrible grief behind for people who care about us. But to be honest I have seen family members suffer so much for so long that I could understand why they would not want to continue.

But I have also come back from that place. Normally I needed a serious breakdown which resulted in an outpouring of emotion, and some sort of relief....seeing that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Of course when you come back to these dark places and painful places over and over it can wear you down.

I was an extreme insomniac, and did not just get tired when I didn't sleep, I went mad with anxiety, despair, physical pain. I was in a constant state of panic every night and day. It was hell at times. Yet I kept searching year after year for better support, to know myself better and to live my life inspite of the pain. I stopped looking for only happiness and ease and focussed more on meaning and depth. Then it mattered less that I suffered so much as I could always find meaning in something, a reason to continue, however small or simple.

Then I had an operation to have my tonsils removed, and for some crazy reason it cured my insomnia and extreme anxiety. From that night on I have slept. I have my TMS pain still, but I just about manage it.

What I am saying it that sometimes something can just change. I never thought that fairly quick operation would change so much for me. Maybe you will not find such an instant change, but it's worth keeping on looking. Our bodies and minds change naturally with time. I know 8 years is a long time to suffer, but with all the advances in medicine and TMS research and many other things all you need is some faith, faith that you will find the answers you need at some point.

Speak to someone you feel safe with, a therapist possibly. Open up about the pain and frustration, and you don't need advice, you just need to be heard.

Sometimes when I have got to the end of my tether I have made some drastic changes to my situation. I always thought, I could end my life or I could atleast try something completely different first just to see. And it has all led a little bit further down the path to recovery. As long as you feel you are heading in the right direction, however slowly...then it's possible to keep going. I know you may not feel like that now, but I'm sure you can remember times when things were different.

I may have misjudged your post and got the wrong idea, but I just wanted to say many people here will understand the pain you are in. You are not alone.

There's a Buddhist saying by ajahn samado , which I like to use when things are very hard. "Right now it's like this"

Good luck, we are all thinking of you

 

Good post thanks, not sure what i am and was writing, i too suffer from extrem insomina and anxiety. Havent been asleep in days, i go bed nothing happens apart from horrific pain.... have tried everything thats why i am so frustrated and devasted seeing so many fully recovered...

 

Hello C64,

I think it it misleading to think most of us are book cures. For me, I am 14 months in. For others, they are years in.

The book cures are the extreme exception. The rest of us work hard over a long period of time. We do get better but it takes time, a lot of time.

You are not alone. You are not alone. One of my immediate family members committed suicide. It is not the answer.

I hope you find peace. In the meantime, we send you great compassion.

AC45

 

There are things a doctor can give you for restful sleep that are not crazy like ambien. One is a small liquid dose of sinequan (doxipin generic name). An old antidepressant at 5mg for gentle sleep. You need sleep! There are good doctors out there who can help... without getting you dependent on benzodiazepines or other relaxants.
Have you tried herbs like valerian? Passionflower? Herb teas called Sleepytime can help.
Wishing you a restful night soon!!!

 

Hi C64,

I have been where you are with sciatica in both legs and pain everywhere. Nights were so horrible I dreaded going to bed. Woke up several times from pain and irritation and many times could not feel my arms and hands. Very scary. When I opened my eyes in the morning I wished it was all a nightmare. But one move and the pain was so bad I knew it was for real. Day after day. Week after week. No change. No cure.

It is difficult but you cannot give up. It is difficult but recovery is possible. Each person is different in their speed of recovery. You cannot beat yourself up for not recovering as fast as others. That just creates more tension.

In a reply to your other post I mentioned that you need to go beyond conscious approach and apply strategies that communicate with your subconscious. That means working at the emotional level.

Have you read Rapid Recovery from Back and Neck Pain?

If you are tired of books, message me privately and I will subscribe you to my podcast on how to design your own Rapid Recovery Plan at no charge. You can listen to it, design your own Rapid Recovery Plan and see.

You can also read the many stories of those who recovered on my website from reading my book and those who needed a helping hand through my coaching program.

There are many options. There is always hope, Keeping telling yourself that giving up is not an option.

 

thank you for all the support and posts...
with sleeping, yes tried everything from herbal to medicine,
i am a old tired worn out TMS fighter, i have tried everything, all the meds, all the therapist, all the books, all the dvds so on so on...
i tried just get on living, i tried not trying, you name it i've done it... emotional work sends me nuts, it produces very bad anger and rage,,, doing nothing calms my emotions but the pain then becomes unbearable,,, i am stuck, i am not very positive at the moment but i am ok with that because i am human and no sleep for days with terrible pain who wouldn't be negative and cranky,,,, Fred Amir happy to try your podcast but sorry my confidence is low after trying it all before,,, wow a new book, so excited it relates to me, this is going to fix me this time, then a few weeks past same result, nothing!!!

 

@C64 My heart hurts for you. I have felt the same way, like I didn't want to go on. At first, reading success stories just made me feel worse. I was so sick of feeling sick. And, like many TMSers I tried thing after thing, always hoping that the latest one would be the one that would suddenly cure me. It's a lot of work and it can take a lot of time.

Since you say that 'emotional work sends me nuts', can you find a TMS therapist who is experienced in dealing with the emotional aspects of TMS? There are many listed on this site (links on the main page) and some will do Skype or possibly other methods of long-distance communication.

Good luck. I'm pulling for you. And I would look into @Bodhigirl's suggestion to get something to help you sleep. The world can be dark and difficult without adequate sleep.

 

'emotional work sends me nuts'

When the focus of the emotional work is digging up past traumas, it can definitely make a person more stressed, depressed, anxious, angry, and cause more pain.

I have found in my practice that is the last thing you want to do in almost all cases. It is much more effective to help clients to work on building a brighter future that creates excitement, enthusiasm, joy, and confidence. This, in turn, will push back TMS and reduces pain and other symptoms. It's just common sense. In many cases, I have seen how increasing the positive mentally and emotionally can do wonders and heal so many wounds and resolve so many issues that rarely is it necessary to look back.

It's about growing as a person and living a full life free of the shackles of a dark past.

 

@C64.... hang in there. I can feel your pain in your writing and I wish there was something I could doorbsay to make it go away. Hopefully maybe just some kind words and knowing that we are here for you too. Many of us are still in a lot of pain and have not gotten any better yet either. You are not alone.
I keep saying over and over "this to shall pass". Sleep is so important in the healing process. I wish you could just get some.
I am pulling for you. Hang in there.

 

@C64. Wanted to add a few more thoughts I had. A lot of success stories take time. And that's ok. You will one day share yours too, I do believe this. I realize that some people read the books and Automatically get cured. I think they are more of the exceptions and most people it takes time. So please do not give up.
On sleep. I am currently reading a book called "back in control", and it talks a lot about how your CNS needs sleep to calm down and to help the pain. He recommends even if you have to take medication it will help with the pain if you could just get some rest. I am sure you tried it all so I will not give anymore ideas on how to sleep better. I do use delta waves music to help me sleep when I cannot . Its worth a try.
Thinking of you. I am here for support of any kind.

 

C64, I know often advice isn't that helpful, so I want to be careful about giving too much.

I just want o share my experience of insomnia, and what did not help. I tried everything, valium and every other benzo, valerian, over the counter pills, melatonin, bath before bed, eye patch and ear plugs, meditating before bed, sex before bed, read many books on insomnia. I followed all these guidelines on 'sleep hygiene'! I hate that term

Anyway, needless to say it didnt work, it just made me more anxious, and more obsessed with my evening and bedtime rituals, that if I missed anything or it got too late I would panic and not sleep at all.

After the many insomnia books and info I read I came across a book by an english doctor called Guy Meadows. 'The Sleep Book'. This book was a bit like the insomnia equivient of TMS. He said stop obsessing, stop all the rituals, stop trying to sleep. It was a very different approach to all the other stuff I had tried and failed with. I can't say it cure my insomnia, but it gave me a lot of relief to let go of all the extra worry I had added on top, and overall it changed my relationship with sleep. Similar to John Sarnos book, it has not cured my pain problem, but I have a very different way of thinking about it all and it has helped more than anything else. I dont know if you are in the UK, but this guy runs workshops and seems like a very kind and honest man, you can look him up.

I would also say that my experience with sleep as an anxious person and a person who is now in pain most of the time is this : It's really not how much sleep I get, but the state my mind is in when I go to sleep and during the night. If I am stressed out leading up to bedtime I know that even if I sleep 8 hours I wake up feeling awful and anxious, and struggle to get through the day. Whereas the rare times when I feel alright and I get less sleep I manage much better.

You know when you have hideous dreams all night but sleep a lot, you can be so tired and in pain the next day. Unfortunately it seems like everything else, it's all about letting go and accepting, which is so f&^%ing hard!!!

I wish you luck