Structured Program Day 31

[Jesse MacKinnon]

Today's assignment included sharing my journaling of some personality trait that I believe contributes to my symptom. It's funny because before I knew what the assignment was I had journalled that I am terrified of auditioning. So that's what i went with- my fear of being judged. I was raised in an atmosphere of intensely judgmental people and because of my personality and some things I didn't understand ie: dyslexia, add, being gifted musically but not in the way that was appreciated by nuns who were always loathe to give compliments and my parents who had a very traditional view of what I should be doing good grades excelling at sports, charming and polite. I never measured up and very early developed a sense of not being good enough. At fifty I decided I wanted to try acting and singing on stage but auditions are basically you putting yourself out there and asking to be judged. This is the epitome of a terrifying situation. My hands and whole body shake uncontrollably. I can't focus on the task before me therefore I usually give a performance far below what I am capable of. How I have been as successful as I have been is a real miracle to me ( Several top awards in San Diego, being cast as recently as this past December in a leading role at 62 in a major production) But tomorrow night an audition at the La Jolla Playhouse- a theater started by Gregory peck and a place were many shows are produced before going to Broadway- and I am scared to death. I will force myself to go, be short of breath, shake like a leaf and do the best I can. But I'm really scared. My journalling and sharing this on this site feels really good. So to my subconscious who is creating all this fear I say "Bring It On" I tried to keep this brief but obviously couldn't. Thanks for you patience.

 

[Bawbee]

Today's assignment included sharing my journaling of some personality trait that I believe contributes to my symptom. It's funny because before I knew what the assignment was I had journalled that I am terrified of auditioning. So that's what i went with- my fear of being judged. I was raised in an atmosphere of intensely judgmental people and because of my personality and some things I didn't understand ie: dyslexia, add, being gifted musically but not in the way that was appreciated by nuns who were always loathe to give compliments and my parents who had a very traditional view of what I should be doing good grades excelling at sports, charming and polite. I never measured up and very early developed a sense of not being good enough. At fifty I decided I wanted to try acting and singing on stage but auditions are basically you putting yourself out there and asking to be judged. This is the epitome of a terrifying situation. My hands and whole body shake uncontrollably. I can't focus on the task before me therefore I usually give a performance far below what I am capable of. How I have been as successful as I have been is a real miracle to me ( Several top awards in San Diego, being cast as recently as this past December in a leading role at 62 in a major production) But tomorrow night an audition at the La Jolla Playhouse- a theater started by Gregory peck and a place were many shows are produced before going to Broadway- and I am scared to death. I will force myself to go, be short of breath, shake like a leaf and do the best I can. But I'm really scared. My journalling and sharing this on this site feels really good. So to my subconscious who is creating all this fear I say "Bring It On" I tried to keep this brief but obviously couldn't. Thanks for you patience.

 

[veronica73]

Break a leg!

The theater world is intense--one of my best friends is a playwright and she tells me about how nervous they all get before shows--and I think the actors feel even more like that.

 

[Beach-Girl]

But tomorrow night an audition at the La Jolla Playhouse- a theater started by Gregory peck and a place were many shows are produced before going to Broadway- and I am scared to death. I will force myself to go, be short of breath, shake like a leaf and do the best I can. But I'm really scared.

Well one day is a bit hard to break a habit that your body reacts to. But I say GO FOR IT! Before the audition, remind yourself: this is your passion, you're good, and have fun with it! If you start to shake and sweat - tell yourself again: "This is my passion and I'm doing this for myself, no matter what the result is." You will possibly calm yourself with those reminders and do better than you think.

On the old forum, I also came to this point in the program and announced my biggest fear which is MY passion: I'm an animal communicator. And I am scared to tell people (or was) because I have had so many negative responses from friends. Since that time (just about a month ago) I've started teaching and found I can tell anyone. The response here was so supportive.It really helped me over the rock of fear.

You're going to do great Jesse - just remember the two key things: 1) this is your passion in life and 2) have fun.

BG

 

[Bawbee]

Jesse, its so encouraging to read what you just wrote! Youre really developing a fearlessness. Im on day 3 of the prog and went to visit my mother who has dementia in a care home....without pain meds....its hard to find continous conversation with her....so I sang songs with her( please believe me ......I do not possess a minute piece of musical talent like you!)
normally i would have been self conscious, as workers and other patients came in and out of the room....but i wasnt, because it was giving my mum such pleasure...and after each song she would clap her hands and say that was marvelous...the wee soul....I felt very close to her and there was much love in the exchange...I really didnt care what others thought.....very liberating...Now Im very new at all this , but when i saw you write...I will shake like a leaf, be short of breath etc, I thought shouldnt he be affirming that he'll be calm, composed and breathe deeply etc....now is that a tms way of thinking ie denying your feelings....and what youre doing is feeling them...and although theyre frightening pushing through.? Or am I over analysing?...have been known to!

Im now home and will take some pain medication....I walked up some stairs which are challenging yesterday...but I did something else today...consecutive happenings are not my norm!!!!! And I felt the pain much less when I was engrossed with entertaining my mother.....
Thanks for posting how youre doing so regularly...I soak in every word thats encouraging from those ahead on the path...ps Im 62 also...but in Scotland 60 is the new 50!!

Warmly
BB

 

[Jesse MacKinnon]

Thanks to all who responded.Beach Girl. Anyone who doesn't know that animals communicate with us is out of touch with the finer, more subtle levels of being and has never known and loved an animal. This is just what we need more of in this world. People who can lead us in appreciating the other living things here so we aren't so destructive of life. Bawbee- wow how rewarding to see your mother feel joy from your singing. That's what music is meant to do. Having a "good" singing voice is not necessary (Bob Dylan). Re: your other comments here's what I do- before the event, I breathe deeply and imagine the audition to bring on the panic then I purposely ramp up the feelings while tapping in certain places (EFT) I have to do repeated rounds of this. Being very prepared, joking with the auditioners, and imagining success seem to help though I'm still very nervous when they call my name! P.S. as you can tell from my last name my heritage is Scottish Isle of Skye Famous pipers I understand. Just saw Braveheart for the umpteenth time the other day and being Catholic my people where among those fighting England and Longshanks . "You can take my life but you will never take my freedom"! Actually I thought Rob Roy was a better movie.

 

[Bawbee]

Thanks to all who responded.Beach Girl. Anyone who doesn't know that animals communicate with us is out of touch with the finer, more subtle levels of being and has never known and loved an animal. This is just what we need more of in this world. People who can lead us in appreciating the other living things here so we aren't so destructive of life. Bawbee- wow how rewarding to see your mother feel joy from your singing. That's what music is meant to do. Having a "good" singing voice is not necessary (Bob Dylan). Re: your other comments here's what I do- before the event, I breathe deeply and imagine the audition to bring on the panic then I purposely ramp up the feelings while tapping in certain places (EFT) I have to do repeated rounds of this. Being very prepared, joking with the auditioners, and imagining success seem to help though I'm still very nervous when they call my name! P.S. as you can tell from my last name my heritage is Scottish Isle of Skye Famous pipers I understand. Just saw Braveheart for the umpteenth time the other day and being Catholic my people where among those fighting England and Longshanks . "You can take my life but you will never take my freedom"! Actually I thought Rob Roy was a better movie.

 

[Bawbee]

Jesse...Gotcha....Id been doing a programme by a UK practioneer...Ashok Gupta...to retrain the amygdala... And he has a process called the accelerator where we weed out negative thought patterns about our symptoms and work on them with NLP etc....and he always asked us to ramp up the anxiety...worry or whatever as the higher it is the more charge there is to be works with...but altho some of his stuff complements tms, im coming right over to tms work. I also use eft..and in a good session I do enormous yawns....which are apparently a good sign.
Visualising and imagining seem so powerful for recovery from many conditions. i just discovered Coues law of reversed effort which states. 'when the imagination and the ( conscious) will are in conflict, the imagination invariably gains the day'. Emile Coue was a contemporary of Freud.
ps My mother hails from the Isle of Lewis....shes a Macleod....theres always been as you may know (often mock) rivalry between the Skye and Lewis Islanders.

BB

 

[Beach-Girl]

I'm still very nervous when they call my name!

Remember: This is YOUR passion. You love it or you wouldn't continue to pursue it. Part of that nervousness is that we may be rejected. If that happens, then this wasn't your path. Nothing you did wrong, just not the right time or place.

Get out there. Enjoy the moment. Give 'em that "Jesse smile" and simply step into your passion and do what you do so well.

Many times before working with an animal I find myself saying "what are you doing? You don't know how to do this!" But then I go into what is so easy and familiar (not unlike singing) and the rest unfolds the way it's supposed to. I am the messenger. Well, you are the singer. A little bit of that anxiety just before going onstage is to be expected. But once you get out there? Have fun!

Isn't this why you do it? Because it brings you joy?

Go get 'em Jesse. We're ALL cheering you on from the balcony!!!

BG

PS I'm Scottish too. But when I got married, I became French. I loved saying this to people when I first got married with a totally straight face. You could see how dumb they thought I was. Smile Jesse - you're going to do really well.