Today's assignment included sharing my journaling of some personality trait that I believe contributes to my symptom. It's funny because before I knew what the assignment was I had journalled that I am terrified of auditioning. So that's what i went with- my fear of being judged. I was raised in an atmosphere of intensely judgmental people and because of my personality and some things I didn't understand ie: dyslexia, add, being gifted musically but not in the way that was appreciated by nuns who were always loathe to give compliments and my parents who had a very traditional view of what I should be doing good grades excelling at sports, charming and polite. I never measured up and very early developed a sense of not being good enough. At fifty I decided I wanted to try acting and singing on stage but auditions are basically you putting yourself out there and asking to be judged. This is the epitome of a terrifying situation. My hands and whole body shake uncontrollably. I can't focus on the task before me therefore I usually give a performance far below what I am capable of. How I have been as successful as I have been is a real miracle to me ( Several top awards in San Diego, being cast as recently as this past December in a leading role at 62 in a major production) But tomorrow night an audition at the La Jolla Playhouse- a theater started by Gregory peck and a place were many shows are produced before going to Broadway- and I am scared to death. I will force myself to go, be short of breath, shake like a leaf and do the best I can. But I'm really scared. My journalling and sharing this on this site feels really good. So to my subconscious who is creating all this fear I say "Bring It On" I tried to keep this brief but obviously couldn't. Thanks for you patience.