Day 26 SORRY TO YOU ALL

[RozieHolland]

Hello everyone,

It's bin 6 days ago that I wrote my last post.
I didn't get any reaction to that. It made me furious!!!
I got the feeling that I don't mather. (this is happening through all my life)

When this happen I become stubborn, cruel, hard for others and hard for myself.
I need this to prove myself that I am right, that I know, that I can, that I exist.
When I made myself hard, I don't have to feel anything, no one can hurt me.
I don't have to show the anxious, the doubter, the lovely, the goodist.
I control my emotions.
My pain gets very extremely.

I am sorry for my awfull thoughts to you all.

Now I am getting hot and I feel a lot of sadness.

 

[plum]

Hello everyone,

It's bin 6 days ago that I wrote my last post.
I didn't get any reaction to that. It made me furious!!!
I got the feeling that I don't mather. (this is happening through all my life)

When this happen I become stubborn, cruel, hard for others and hard for myself.
I need this to prove myself that I am right, that I know, that I can, that I exist.
When I made myself hard, I don't have to feel anything, no one can hurt me.
I don't have to show the anxious, the doubter, the lovely, the goodist.
I control my emotions.
My pain gets very extremely.

I am sorry for my awfull thoughts to you all.

Now I am getting hot and I feel a lot of sadness.

Sweetness, one of the unexpected aspects of healing is the opportunity to face our reactions when we are triggered. I admire the way you gave voice to a feeling that everyone feels sometime. Healing potential rests in that uneasy bittersweet spot. There is a wealth of wisdom within your words, all you need now is courage and compassion to embrace it bit by bit.

No one here is ignoring you. We are living our lives and doing our best to give-back/pass forward when and where we can while juggling our own TMS and stress issues. I know you know this hence your post but sometimes it helps to take the sting out of an apparent rejection by placing things in context.

The softness and vulnerability you hide and hold safe is the part of you that in turn holds safe your healing. It is a touchstone. These insights show you're doing brilliantly. Be gentle with yourself.

Plum x

 

[Ellen]

Hi Rozie,

I'm sorry you didn't get a response to your other post. As @plum has so eloquently stated above, we are all in the same boat here, and sometimes are unavailable to respond to every post. At times this can be due to something as simple as the time in which it was posted and the amount of posting around the same time. Some posts just get buried.

I love the honesty and poetry in your posts. You are doing truly good work. Know that you have support here even if it doesn't always get put into writing.

 

[hopeful_guitarist]

Hi @RozieHolland - as a fellow goodist, I can definitely relate to your post. I used to spend a lot of time on Facebook (I'm actually taking a break from it as part of my TMS therapy). And I became very dependent on feedback I received there. If I wrote a post and didn't get "likes" within a few minutes, I'd delete it. Without that positive feedback, my inner critic would tell me I had wasted everyone's time and they were angry at me for posting something that wasn't worth their while. I came across a quote that actually helped me quite a lot -

“In your 20s and 30s, you worry about what others think about you.
In your 40s and 50s, you stop worrying about what others think about you.
In your 60s and 70s, you realize they were never really thinking about you in the first place.”​

It helps me remember that everyone is fighting their own battles through life and they're not as focused on me as I might think - for good or for bad. No one's out to get me. When they seem to ignore my post, they mean no will ill -- they're just focused on something else or simply not online right now. And sometimes what I posted has more value for me than anyone else - maybe I'm the only one who laughed at my joke, but that's worth something still, isn't it?

Keep up the fight! We're all rooting for you even when you don't hear from us.

 

[RozieHolland]

Hello,

thanks for your reaction plum, Ellen and hopeful_guitarist.
I am now 60 and now found out that I still need endorsement.
It started at primary school (I never got a turn to do something) and it went on trough my entire life.
I made myself small because of the feeling that I wasn't worth to live. (incest victim and 2 times assaulted)
I know I am worth for living my life but now (by journaling) it comes back up.

I made myself hard, but deep down I was the biggest goodist on earth.
But I didn't know how to give myself an attitude and made myself much bigger than I really was.
That is a very important reason why I have such a backpain.
In the beginning I walked with a curved back to make me small, then I made myself great, but that was so unnatural for me
that I had to get backpain. I was totaly cramped.

It's nice of you all that you think about me so positive. It make me feel positive about myself.

A big hug, Rozie.

 

[Ellen]

Hello,

thanks for your reaction plum, Ellen and hopeful_guitarist.
I am now 60 and now found out that I still need endorsement.
It started at primary school (I never got a turn to do something) and it went on trough my entire life.
I made myself small because of the feeling that I wasn't worth to live. (incest victim and 2 times assaulted)
I know I am worth for living my life but now (by journaling) it comes back up.

I made myself hard, but deep down I was the biggest goodist on earth.
But I didn't know how to give myself an attitude and made myself much bigger than I really was.
That is a very important reason why I have such a backpain.
In the beginning I walked with a curved back to make me small, then I made myself great, but that was so unnatural for me
that I had to get backpain. I was totaly cramped.

It's nice of you all that you think about me so positive. It make me feel positive about myself.

A big hug, Rozie.