Someone please help me just understand

[riverrat]

I accepted tms awhile ago, felt small improvements, but the last month is terrible again.

I had this similar in 2005 for 3 years, then improved enough to not consider it too much of a problem until 2 years ago when it returned after much stress. Improved a little 6 months later, to only return very strongly a little over a year ago and to remain stuck. Other than a small reprieve of improvement where I was finally walking again for exercise a few times last March, then pain came back again. In July I quit physical therapy and searching for physical answers, and focused on tms and writing and meditating. Improved a little. But now no relief for a month now.
I admit to more stress when occurred, but still, I'm working through it. Why am I so bad!?

My issue that bothers the worst is pelvic floor pain of poking, needle/knife like stabs ( feel like a voodoo doll) and burning that comes and goes, and pressure. Uncomfortable all day and night. I feel I am losing faith. No matter what I read or watch, I can't feel hope anymore.... My mind thinks things I don't want it to...I have some back pain and legs in too, but this pelvic garbage, for me is unbearable, and controls my thoughts because, well, it just physically hurts so very much.

I fear at times doctors "missed" something and there is something wrong in my pelvic floor, or an unfound infection. Though I I know this is unlikely, Epescially when I experienced this before and improved and considered myself healed enough to not worry about it. So logically I know i should be ok and heal. But I feel so hopeless and trapped in so much pain in a body I feel like I'm trying to run away from. I wish I understood the pain physically and what hurts. Though I know emotionally that's probably not helpful to know or understand. And I wish I could understand why I am so stuck this last month and feeling worse. I feel like my quality if life sucks, everything is a struggle from feeling so uncomfortable all the time. I am in a depression currently from this and feel trapped. Someone please help me understand.

 

[Renee]

I so understand what you are feeling riverrat as I've had pelvic issues since I was a child. Last year I had one of the most severe flare-ups of my life. It felt like I was sitting on razor blades rectally and vaginally 24/7. It finally eased up after 9 months but the main issue of having hypertonic pelvic floor muscles remains. The thing with TMS symptoms is that they come and go with no rhyme or reason so there is no use in trying to make sense of them or understand them.

My entire life has been pretty much consumed with trying to figure my symptoms out and obsessing about them. And how can you not obsess about pain in such a personal and vulnerable area. My symptoms can be varied and they move around but I've started challenging them, even asking my unconscious to make them worse which I still can't believe because I never thought I would ever be able to do this. The fact that your symptoms improved and you considered yourself healed enough to not worry about it just shows that it is a mind body symptom. When something is medically wrong it doesn't come and go.

I know when you are in the throes of a flare-up it is certainly not easy to ignore the symptoms and even challenge them but I read on a post here one day where someone said it is just a sensation. I tell myself this instead of normally freaking out when I start to get the tiniest tinge of discomfort. I know I used to read things like this and think oh easy for you to say but it's true. If you let your mind run away with the terror it can only get worse. And that is just the perfect distraction your unconscious wants you to have.

 

[riverrat]

I so understand what you are feeling riverrat as I've had pelvic issues since I was a child. Last year I had one of the most severe flare-ups of my life. It felt like I was sitting on razor blades rectally and vaginally 24/7. It finally eased up after 9 months but the main issue of having hypertonic pelvic floor muscles remains. The thing with TMS symptoms is that they come and go with no rhyme or reason so there is no use in trying to make sense of them or understand them.

My entire life has been pretty much consumed with trying to figure my symptoms out and obsessing about them. And how can you not obsess about pain in such a personal and vulnerable area. My symptoms can be varied and they move around but I've started challenging them, even asking my unconscious to make them worse which I still can't believe because I never thought I would ever be able to do this. The fact that your symptoms improved and you considered yourself healed enough to not worry about it just shows that it is a mind body symptom. When something is medically wrong it doesn't come and go.

I know when you are in the throes of a flare-up it is certainly not easy to ignore the symptoms and even challenge them but I read on a post here one day where someone said it is just a sensation. I tell myself this instead of normally freaking out when I start to get the tiniest tinge of discomfort. I know I used to read things like this and think oh easy for you to say but it's true. If you let your mind run away with the terror it can only get worse. And that is just the perfect distraction your unconscious wants you to have.

Renee
Thank you so much for the reply and understanding. I just want to feel normal again and symptom free more than anything.
I had a phone conversation with Dr shubiner today. What a nice man! I am trying to meditate all day on some of the things he told me like the fact that he sees this pelvic pain in people all the time and they recover all the time. And i m a model tmser. And he told me I was going to be OK again.
I told him of some the very traumatic difficult emotional turmoil i endured these last couple years and still enduring and he said my body is just screaming at me to take care of myself because I've been taking care of too many others and not myself. I know this, and i am trying. He did make me feel a little safer in my own body. That I am going up be OK.

 

[Mala]

Sorry to hear u r in such distress riverrat.

R u considering seeing Dr Schubiner? I think it would be a great step forward for u if u could.

Have u heard this interview he does with Abigail Steidley? Its brilliant!

http://vulvodyniacoach.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/schubiner-interview1.mp3

I wrote this for someone else with PP & I'll paste it again for u

@Alfaman147 if u have had tests & nothing has shown then like u said u r probably holding a lot of tension in that area. When muscles r tight they can affect the nerves as well as blood circulation which can cause a helluva lot of pain. Even though u r aware that u r holding tension its not that easy to let go becoz u have been doing it so long that it has become a habit, it's ingrained into yr psyche & has become yr new normal.

Its that cycle u need to break.

Allow yrself to relax. You know u can do it unconsciously when u sleep & when u drink alcohol. Take it to the next level & when u r awake consciously focus on relaxing into that area when u breathe out. Let yr whole pelvis just sink down as u breathe out. U will have to do this consciously till yr unconscious learns this automatically. The difference between a tense pelvis & a relaxed one is unbelievable & this will make u realise just how much stress u r carrying around in that area. It will take time but it will happen. Distract yrself by doing something u enjoy & like Sarno says don't focus on the pain or any of the other sensations.

Listen to the interview again & understand why pelvic pain is a physiological reaction & not a pathological one & the difference between the 2. This will help convince u that what u have is not serious. This in turn will help alleviate some of yr anxiety.

And when u journal think abt what or who is being a pain in the B....

All the best

Mala

 

[riverrat]

Sorry to hear u r in such distress riverrat.

R u considering seeing Dr Schubiner? I think it would be a great step forward for u if u could.

Have u heard this interview he does with Abigail Steidley? Its brilliant!

http://vulvodyniacoach.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/schubiner-interview1.mp3

I wrote this for someone else with PP & I'll paste it again for u

@Alfaman147 if u have had tests & nothing has shown then like u said u r probably holding a lot of tension in that area. When muscles r tight they can affect the nerves as well as blood circulation which can cause a helluva lot of pain. Even though u r aware that u r holding tension its not that easy to let go becoz u have been doing it so long that it has become a habit, it's ingrained into yr psyche & has become yr new normal.

Its that cycle u need to break.

Allow yrself to relax. You know u can do it unconsciously when u sleep & when u drink alcohol. Take it to the next level & when u r awake consciously focus on relaxing into that area when u breathe out. Let yr whole pelvis just sink down as u breathe out. U will have to do this consciously till yr unconscious learns this automatically. The difference between a tense pelvis & a relaxed one is unbelievable & this will make u realise just how much stress u r carrying around in that area. It will take time but it will happen. Distract yrself by doing something u enjoy & like Sarno says don't focus on the pain or any of the other sensations.

Listen to the interview again & understand why pelvic pain is a physiological reaction & not a pathological one & the difference between the 2. This will help convince u that what u have is not serious. This in turn will help alleviate some of yr anxiety.

And when u journal think abt what or who is being a pain in the B....

All the best

Mala

Thank you so Mala for your reply!

I live quite a distance from. Dr shubiner so I don't think i will go see him. He honestly didn't sound to me like I necessarily needed to based on tests I e already had. Though it wouldn't hurt if I could. But my insurance wouldn't cover and it's several states away. But he did give me the name of a woman he recommended for phone consults. I will check with her on what she might cost. Sadly with everything I've already spent and stuff going g on in our family, I'm pretty drained financially, but I will check with her. None the less, he did make me feel better talking even once.

Your reply is so reassuring and I will be re reading it all day! Did you Have pelvic pain- you sound like you really understand.
And yep I did listen to the interview just Wednesday- it's very helpful.

Thanks for the understanding.

 

[Alfaman147]

Riverrat this is a bit crude so please excuse me. But does your discomfort ease if you insert a finger in the rectum ??? Mine does which just shoes me it is my sphincter in constant spasm. It is always worse while I'm reading up on it. There's a surprise haha. I got distracted for about ten minutes the other day and the pain went away. It's an obsession huni pure and simple. It's always on my mind and your mind. I beat it before. I just got bored and forgot it. I have to stop searching and you do too. Give this forum a break for a few weeks. You just keep reminding yourself you have a mental issue. Be good to yourself. Stop torturing yourself.

 

[riverrat]

It's actually the vaginal pain that is worse for me. It's my reaction to a very difficult and stressful couple years of years. I need to say no to people more and have much less stess. When this legal mess is over, I'm sure i will also improve. I had this similar when my dad was termilly ill. I healed after he died. I think I feared him dying every day. It's like I stopped worrying when he dyes. Then I got this back when my alcoholic brother went into a Coma and was suppose to die. He came out of Coma but has liver and kidney failure and is terminally ill. I took care and guardianship of him all last year. It was so hard with 3 kids and my mom with congestive heart failure to take care of. His behaviour ruined my home. And our family. It was a nightmare. Alcohol ruins families. I gave guardianship over to the state in April of him and he lives in nursing home on dialysis so I could care for my mom and kids more. I still know he's terminal and it's hard. There's a lot of emotions involved. Fear, guilt, anger. Now my mom is being threatened and harassed by her neighbor ( who's done this to others) who we had to get a restraining order for. This man is and producing south stress to me and my mom. Did I mention I work full time. I've simply had too much for too long. And I'm holding tension in my pelvic floor. I really believe it's more of my reaction to stress than it is obsession. I'm crazy busy so it's hard to obsess, it's just there because I am always on edge... I feel very overwhelmed in life and have for quite awhile.

 

[Alfaman147]

Soundso to me like you need to get signed off from work for a while. I had 3 weeks off. Went back to work last week but completely had a melt down. I sat and talked with my boss who was really understanding and basically I'm signed off again. Try talking to your boss. Your life is more important than any job in my opinion. Family and your mind set come first