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Day 1 So very angry

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by LouVes, Oct 28, 2018.

  1. LouVes

    LouVes New Member

    Write a short post about the level of acceptance you have of the TMS diagnosis, and of any doubts or worries you may have at this point.

    I've been on this chronic pain journey since January of this year 2018 with appparent pudendal neurlagia, but it all really started in about January 2016 with chronic upper back and neck pain that had me at the physio twice a week until this neuralgia started two years later. When the neuralgia calms down, the neck pain starts up and vice versa. And I am so very very angry at myself and my brain right now. I am raging.

    Do I accept the diagnosis? Yes, no, I don't know. I did a few months back when I started studying neuroplasticity and chronic pain. I also read Dr Sarno's book which made me very uncomfortable at the time because it just seemed so simple, but I was all ready to give it a go and get rid of the pain. I was going to beat it, not the other way round. I could do it!

    So, the doubts and worries I have right now
    is that after religiously applying the neuroplasticity exercises and mindfulness meditations and accepting that all of it has been created by my brain...and seeing myself get better enough to get off the meds for neuropathic pain - and having 42 almost pain-free days - I am RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED and in even more pain and spitting angry. I am just so full of rage right now because it's come back and because now I'm starting to doubt it all and I don't know if I will ever get better.

    I'm scared that this will never go away and I'm sad that I might not get to see my children grow up. I'm also angry at the unfairness of it all. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I just get on with my life now that I have met a lovely man and have a wonderful future to look forward to? I've been through so much in the last 12 years (divorce, the uncertainty of bringing up two young children in a country that is not my own, a 5-year relationship with a very challenging person after my divorce and then another one with a lovely man who just couldn't commit after 2 years and who ran off with someone he'd just met).

    I feel like I've done the work - I feel like I'm always doing the work - to be strong and responsible and to get over whatever has been thrown at me and to come out fighting. Now, I'm tired. So, I doubt.

    What would a life without TMS mean to you?
    It would mean happiness. It would mean finally having what I've always wanted and can now have if I can just make this pain go away so that I can get on with my life. And, to be completely honest (and in keeping with the whole idea behind TMS), it would also mean having to deal with certain things I'm afraid of that I don't worry about anymore becasue all my time is taken up with this pain.
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi LouVes, and welcome. Hopefully the SEP will give you the guidance you need for this step. Indeed, we find that many, if not most, people here MUST do the deep, and often scary, emotional work in order to really change their lives and find recovery. Your doubts, and of course the return of your symptoms, are the result of your fearful brain taking control, yet again, in order to keep you from doing exactly that - and your brain will fight you every inch of the way. Believe me, I say this from experience, and I still struggle with it myself. The good news is that back in 2011, I was in serious danger of becoming housebound due to my mounting symptoms, and I know that that is never again going to be a threat.

    My best advice for those starting out doing the SEP is based on my own experience - and here I'm cutting and pasting from another recent post:

    During the writing exercises, especially when making the suggested lists, I found that there was an inner voice telling me "Oh, don't write THAT down, it's embarrassing, and I'm sure it's not important anyway".

    Haha, of course that was the part of my brain that was repressing something, and wanted to keep repressing it! The truly interesting thing, for me, is that after I literally forced myself to write those things down (with my brain fighting me all the way!) and then forced myself to look at them in detail later in the exercise, they typically were, yes, embarrassing and/or shameful, but they weren't earth-shattering by any means. Yet because of the shameful nature, my brain felt it was necessary to expend energy repressing those memories since childhood! Being able to face them and deal with them as an adult was very freeing, in addition to to giving me insights into aspects of my personality and behavior throughout my life.

    In other words, when you make a commitment to do the Structured Educational Program, you will get the most from it if you also make a commitment to being 100% honest with yourself. You've already said that you need to be honest - stick to that goal!

    Good luck

    Lizzy likes this.
  3. LouVes

    LouVes New Member

    It sounds so scary and insurmountable but your outcome is lovely to read. Thank you Jan.
    I think part of the problem for me is that - while you knew what to write but didn't really want to - I have this feeling that it's all so mysterious and that the things I'm thinking are so banal that they just CANNOT be the reason my brain is conjuring up pain to hide from. I'm wondering if there's something I'm not seeing. And if there is, how to unearth it?
  4. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Have patience! You are only at Day 1 of the SEP!

    Also, try to let go of your perfectionism tendencies as you continue to work the days. Trying too hard to "do it perfectly" (whatever that is) is one of the biggest roadblocks that people come up against. They worry so much about how to do it, that they stop doing it. That's a trap that your brain would LOVE you to fall for.

    Just remember, your brain is fighting you. All of those doubts - that's your negative brain, trying to keep you in the negative, because it does NOT want you to move forward in this process.
  5. LouVes

    LouVes New Member

    Who needs enemies, when there's your own brain, huh?
    I had to laugh at :
    So wily.
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  6. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Also - if you really are only on Day 1 or so, you might not have come up to the making of the lists yet. The SEP will guide you. It's gradual process. Just let it happen, don't force it, don't obsess about it, and, once again, have patience. Do your very best to be extremely aware of what your negative brain is trying to get you to do, or not do. If you decide against doing something that the SEP is suggesting, really look at your decision with a critical eye. Chances are, you are letting your primitive negative fearful brain make that decision!
  7. ciciho

    ciciho New Member

    Wow this really resonated with me, like I feel all the same worries. I had the same thing I learned of TMS and read Sarno and had 48 hours pain free. Then I had an extinction burst and got over that. Then I let fear get in.. it’s okay if you did it once you can do it again!! I find evidence sheets help me a lot
    LouVes likes this.

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