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Kylin Foster

Kylin Foster

Peer Supporter
Hi everyone I'm just really trying to figure out how to heal right now. From everything even being a people pleaser. My roommates that live in the room next to mine want to switch rooms because they think since they both work 2 jobs they deserve the bigger room which I get but I don't want to switch into there small room
W me roommates and sleep in bunks. Yeah I'd be paying less rent but I like my bed and my room and everything in it. My roomate is very agressive with communication and she's gonna be so livid and passive agressive if I say no. My bloating has gotten worse since they asked. Not sure if I have a binge eating problem or if I am just too hard on my self about how much I eat ! Just had 2 protein cookies and I feel like that's too much I feel so full and bloated. I know sometimes I do binge though. I am just very stressed and don't know what to do. Also for the roomate situation everyone is on board to switch except me so I'm the one making things complicated. also my ex and I are talking and so much is going on how do I love my self and get through this and not feel bad about saying no, or people getting mad at me, or eating ?
 
What helps me is to observe how other people take care of themselves. I love to observe non-TMS'ers. When people don't feel guilty for shopping, getting their nails done, getting a massage, or eating regular food. I often try to gauge if I had a good eating day or bad day. I think a lot of women go through that. This video was helpful to me.

Over time, little by little it started to work. My husband was gung ho about getting a dog so we got a puppy last week. OMG so much work. He's adorable but it really stressed me out. Now that I know how to take care of myself better I noticed, I'll shut the door and not feel guilty. I don't feel bad if I'm not helping so much. One morning I was making tea and he asked me to take him outside so he can make coffee and I said "sorry, I'm making tea." Just like that.

Why doesn't your roommate feel bad for you? She's only taking care of herself and has zero guilt over it. Stand up for your feelings, in the end they'll respect you for it. She's changing the arrangement that was agreed upon when you moved in together. Who cares if she's passive aggressive? Ignore her and don't let her see that her behavior affects you. That's what she wants and she's using her moodiness to control you. It's really immature when people do it but they do it all the time. Eventually, she'll act different around you or she'll explode. Stay calm. Don't let her see that it affects you.
 
This is all about boundaries Angel. One of the toughest lessons for people-pleasers is to learn that they and their needs also matter. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and say no. You can do this in a polite and calm fashion and it really helps to read around the subject of assertiveness when learning how to do this. The thing is if you've never been shown how to do this, you have to cut yourself some slack and then get on with learning how.

This author helped me become assertive. Her book is available on Amazon. Here is the link to her website:

http://www.annedickson.co.uk/books/a-woman-in-your-own-right/ (A Woman in Your Own Right – Anne Dickson)

It gets much easier with practice and it goes a long way towards building self-esteem.

@Ines is absolutely on the money about self-care. Situations like this insist we know how to soothe rather than abuse ourselves. Again, these are skills are things we can learn and become Masters of.

Go gently. This is all part of the learning curve of healing.

And now panna cotta beckons :)
 
Kylin
Just stay in the room you want. I agree with Ines and Plum regarding the self-serving attitude of your roommate.(s) Hold your own counsel and say YES to yourself. Let your roomie figure out her own issues. You already know you would be unhappy moving to the other space, so do NOT DO THIS. Maybe by standing your ground you can actually help the TMS.
Good luck.
Lainey
 

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I don't know what the ingredients are in protein cookies but things like whey, soy, spirulina, etc, that are veggie protein can cause gas and bloating.
 
Ines said:
What helps me is to observe how other people take care of themselves. I love to observe non-TMS'ers. When people don't feel guilty for shopping, getting their nails done, getting a massage, or eating regular food. I often try to gauge if I had a good eating day or bad day. I think a lot of women go through that. This video was helpful to me.

Over time, little by little it started to work. My husband was gung ho about getting a dog so we got a puppy last week. OMG so much work. He's adorable but it really stressed me out. Now that I know how to take care of myself better I noticed, I'll shut the door and not feel guilty. I don't feel bad if I'm not helping so much. One morning I was making tea and he asked me to take him outside so he can make coffee and I said "sorry, I'm making tea." Just like that.

Why doesn't your roommate feel bad for you? She's only taking care of herself and has zero guilt over it. Stand up for your feelings, in the end they'll respect you for it. She's changing the arrangement that was agreed upon when you moved in together. Who cares if she's passive aggressive? Ignore her and don't let her see that her behavior affects you. That's what she wants and she's using her moodiness to control you. It's really immature when people do it but they do it all the time. Eventually, she'll act different around you or she'll explode. Stay calm. Don't let her see that it affects you.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for replying. are you vegan / do you recommend it?
 
Ines said:
A chocolate lab. He's 2 months old.

Hi Plum,
It's a chocolate lab. His name is Oakley.
Click to expand...
Awww
plum said:
This is all about boundaries Angel. One of the toughest lessons for people-pleasers is to learn that they and their needs also matter. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and say no. You can do this in a polite and calm fashion and it really helps to read around the subject of assertiveness when learning how to do this. The thing is if you've never been shown how to do this, you have to cut yourself some slack and then get on with learning how.

This author helped me become assertive. Her book is available on Amazon. Here is the link to her website:

http://www.annedickson.co.uk/books/a-woman-in-your-own-right/ (A Woman in Your Own Right – Anne Dickson)

It gets much easier with practice and it goes a long way towards building self-esteem.

@Ines is absolutely on the money about self-care. Situations like this insist we know how to soothe rather than abuse ourselves. Again, these are skills are things we can learn and become Masters of.

Go gently. This is all part of the learning curve of healing.

And now panna cotta beckons :)
Click to expand...
thank you for all the support !!
 
Lainey said:
Kylin
Just stay in the room you want. I agree with Ines and Plum regarding the self-serving attitude of your roommate.(s) Hold your own counsel and say YES to yourself. Let your roomie figure out her own issues. You already know you would be unhappy moving to the other space, so do NOT DO THIS. Maybe by standing your ground you can actually help the TMS.
Good luck.
Lainey
Click to expand...
Yeah I know it's hard :/ I'll keep you guys updated. Love this community (:
 
Kylin Foster said:
Thank you so much for replying. are you vegan / do you recommend it?
Click to expand...
Hi, No I was the opposite. I did paleo for.. geez.. about 5 years. The past year, it's been fun eating whatever I want and the vegan diet is really interesting to me. I love watching recipe videos and it's a whole new way of cooking and eating. But.. like she says in the video, I will never label it. I only watch them to learn more about food.
 
[QUOTE="how do I love my self and get through this and not feel bad about saying no, or people getting mad at me, or eating ?[/QUOTE]

Hi Kylin,

I feel for you going through all these life things! There was some great advice above from some of the other members. This is a bit off topic from our standard TMS book recommendations but there are a TON of awesome blogs and books out there about body acceptance, intuitive eating and radical self love that I have greatly benefitted from. To me they are really in the same mindset as TMS but it's a different topic, I don't want to give you a bunch of suggestions here but if you want to chat about them or hear more send me a message! The bottom line is there is no "right" way to eat or for your body to look, everyone is different with regard to those, and it can take some work to get to a place of self acceptance but it is possible! And very compatible with TMS work. Hope you are feeling a little better these days.
 
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