So desperate and frustrated..

[Mariah22F]

Hey all,
I'm new on this forum. The past few years I've spent quite some time on this forum which really helped (and sometimes scared) me. I would like to share a bit about my TMS journey:
A few years ago I had a small fracture in my spine due to an incident. The backpain became chronic (lowerback as well, although the fracture was in my upper back) until I discovered Dr. Sarno. Knowing that the pain had become TMS, I still suffered for quite some years of back pain, fear of the pain, frustration and despair. At this point I healed for about 80% with weeks of no backpain. Wow, what a relief!

Looking back I realised I had TMS before from when I was a child/teenager: years of stomach pain, years of pelvic pain and migraine.
All those years with severe back pain I was under a lot of stress. On top of that especially the last 3 years have been really difficult for me: my parents were in the hospital, my daughter was born prematurely. Over the years I developed health anxiety which ofcourse doesn't help. Since I started to heal from back pain around 2 years ago, I developed new symptoms: shoulder/upper arm pain on both sides, hand pain on both sides (joints), feeling of pelvic organ prolapse, rectal pain, burning mouth, globus sensation, tight throat feeling, tight chest. Most of these symptoms stick around for a few months, sometimes come back once again but then finally disappear. Everytime I have a new symptom I get so scared and it totally throws me off balance.
Since a few months the pain in my hands is back, but it feels like my hands are swollen or constriced. Also my upper arms hurt again, I have a burning feeling in my hands, arms and sometimes legs and feet. Also I sometimes have a tingling feeling in my hands/fingers. Ofcourse this totally scares me again. I've seen the doctor three times and she says it's stress and anxiety, but I will get this checked by a neurologist. I'm freaking out! The past few months I also experienced derealisation and I guess panic attacks in which I don't have a racing heart or I'm breathing fast or something, but just the feeling that I want to flight, scream and run away because I am so scared.
It just totally frustrates me I keep getting new symptoms despite all the 'work' I do based on Sarno's books. I still got that feeling 'what do I miss' or 'am I trying too hard?'. I think as long as I totally freak out with new symptoms I won't get over this, but getting rid of the fear is so difficult...
Thanks for reading!

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi!
I know you are frustrated, and upset that you feel you are struggling along on your journey.
Two points I guess to point out.
99% of your post is about the physical and based on your symptoms. Dr. Sarno asks us to think psychologically. You have mentioned external stress, but what about how you feel and think about those stressors and emotions surrounding everything.

Can you help us with what you feel is the "work" - what you have been doing?

Have you done any more TMS self-education outside of Sarno - and looked into some of the co-relational aspects that his successors have found with their patients: anxiety eg panic attacks

You mention that you are finding your journey a struggle and it sounds like it is very hard for you to accept when the symptoms come - you mention this with the symptoms of "panic" or anxiety - you want to fight scream and run because you are scared. This area of the work is huge for some people. It was for me. I had to learn to follow Sarno's advice that the symptoms are benign and temporary ... meaning there is nothing to fear. When we find those directions very difficult to follow, there is usually another underlying psychological aspect happening such as many things in life beyond your physical symptoms. Fear often covers up the rage that Dr. Sarno mentions we focus on.

When you journal - do you journal with all your heart and with all honesty - can you allow the deepest darkest parts of you to show up and just be there and accept that they are there (even if you don't like them). This is the attitude of acceptance that is necessary for many of us to recover. To allow the symptoms, the emotions, the thoughts etc that we don't like (in all honesty, that we find difficult to accept are part of our humanity because we have built a persona based on the things Sarno calls personality traits).

You may be doing all of these things - just trying to get a feel for where you are at.

As for the desperation - desperation is a state of mind based on thoughts, and is most often centered around anxiety. I certainly was there for quite a long time. My greatest help was reading books by Claire Weekes and following her directions of what do to with these kinds of thoughts that lead to the sensations of desperation and her gentle reminder that these sensations will pass once we allow them to simply be there for now.

It must be very hard when you feel "everyone" is relying on you - and relying on you to be healthy to do what is "necessary" eg. take care of sick parents and thus two households, have an infant that needs you for their survival, and possibly also support a partner. These are all very close relationships to you: have you looked into how you feel about these people (and in your subconscious about these people) and their role in your lives and vice versa? TMS is often based close to home and the heart.

As for health anxiety - like any anxiety it can be treated with Claire Weekes methods unless you are to the point it is more OCD like and obsessional (hello TMS). Then you may need to be working with it more along the lines of OCD. Health Anxiety is simply a coping mechanism like any of these things are, and can be diminished.

 

[HealingMe]

I recommend starting a program and sticking with it to do emotional work. We offer the Structured Educational Program, and it is free. As you continue doing the work, you may discover different things that work for you.

I think as long as I totally freak out with new symptoms I won't get over this, but getting rid of the fear is so difficult...

This may be helpful for you:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/understanding-and-overcoming-fear.182/ (Dr. Schubiner - Understanding and Overcoming Fear)

and this is a great video from Dan Buglio which I believe is worth a watch.

 

[Mariah22F]

Hello Cactusflower,

Thank you so much for your reply! You are right, I do focus a lot on my physical symptoms. I find it hard to feel how I feel about the stressors, because my attention goes straight to the symptoms. Isn't this exactly what TMS is for, lol?

About the 'work': I've followed different types of therapies with psychologists, had EMDR for trauma and also went to a mindbody therapist. I've practised somatic tracking, been watching Dan Buglio's video's everyday. I've practised to give my brain messages of safety (but I still do not feel safe). I found out I am a total people pleaser and I'm learning to stop doing that. Also I discovered I do A LOT of negative self-talk so I am trying to change that too. I've realised I've been anxious for many years and my brain is very much in fight/flight and checking out for danger. The weird thing is, is that I even feel 'lost' when I feel good (that means no symptoms). Then I'm like "what to do now?".

Good point about journaling. I do it sometimes, but I must say I don't think I journal with all my heart. I feel scared to write down everything I feel and think. Something I should try again! And your right I should look into how I feel around the people close to me and their role in my life.

I've read Self Help For Your Nerves and I just ordered Hope and Help for your nerves.

Thanks again!

 

[Cactusflower]

You’ve jumped around and tried a lot of things.
The key is finding a few things and using them with consistency every day until you begin to notice changes. The changes you would focus on are things like attitude, openness to change, noticing more about yourself (you have done some good work here) and a shift in anxiety depression and/or fear.

I think doing the free Structured Educational Program will help you keep consistent and you can do that while following the very easy and direct approach of Claire Weekes.
Attention and obsession with symptoms is a form of OCD - which is simply a symptom of the TMS and can be overcome.
Claire Weekes talks about thoughts, and how we tend to believe all that brain chatter. The OCD like thought pattern of symptom attention is just more brain chatter. It’s way safer to pay attention to back pain than it is to your hidden inner rage about your closest loved ones. Especially if you are the good and perfect angel you strive to be…
Use Clair’s floating method for these thoughts. Then you can move on to being more direct. Tell your brain who’d the boss by simply telling yourself STOP and think about something else. Keep at this, over and over. It took me months to conquer it and I’m not perfect at it, but it’s enough to get back to life!
Do these things with gentle attention, compassion and kindness. Acknowledge when it’s tuff and let that fuel you to carry on. Temper these things with stuff you love to do, meditation, quiet walks, nature if you can get there, laughter and fun.