Small victory—or is it big?

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Today one of my sons wanted to come over with his wife to exchange gifts. They are going out of town to her side of the family for a few days at Christmas. In the past, I would have agonized over what to do, because I’m still getting over a cold and not feeling well. Knowing my son’s feelings (he takes everything so personally), I would try to accommodate. Instead— I knew exactly what I wanted and needed. I deferred to after they get back. They texted with a counter offer. They wanted to just drive by and leave gifts on the door. (No, thank you. Too weird and why can’t they wait!? It almost feels like manipulation.) I shut it down (with love and politeness—but firmly.)

I’m going to be honest— why am I always on trial? Why do I get so afraid to say no? Well— I think that’s starting to change. It doesn’t really matter if my decision is “right” or “wrong,” it matters if I’m true to myself.

(As time goes on, I can see how big of a deal boundaries are to my healing. )
 
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Cactusflower said:
Big Win
Setting and keeping boundaries gets easier after this.
Let me tell you, some come with self-questioning, guilt, self-judgement, fear…
But at some point that begins to fade and it becomes much easier.
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Love this, @Cactusflower! You just made my day because I have been questioning myself a little bit.
 
Diana-M said:
You just made my day because I have been questioning myself a little bit.
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Don't do it - don't question yourself! Stop thinking about and going over your decision. Swear allegiance to yourself and keep to it. You will lose yourself otherwise.
 
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BloodMoon said:
Don't do it - don't question yourself! Stop thinking about and going over your decision. Swear allegiance to yourself and keep to it. You will lose yourself otherwise.
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Ok I promise to stick with myself! As cactus said, this will get easier if I learn it.
 
I just lied to somebody to spare their feelings and keep a dialogue short. I know I lied and I am OK with my lie.
My annual 'Christmas Lie'

"Well isn't that being disingenuous or dodging the truth?"

No. I am not going somewhere because I have Boundaries and the hosts broke them. Period. What anyone else feels about it is their own problem...I only lied to avoid a discussion. It's no one's business but mine, and the Ninth step comes into play
"Except when to do so would injure them or others"... If I told the Truth? Then I'd have a big unnecessary emotional mess to mop up.

\ Once a dog has bitten me, if I stick my hand in the yard again, who is dumb? I have written about it and felt it already. This is not some knee jerk reaction, just like you telling your Son what you are and aren't OK with. As long as we're doing it from an honest , self informed POV, what they feel is their problem. I do honestly pray for crappy people..I have to. What we don't need to do is keep putting our heart and Jaws on a tee for them to kick!!!

My Christmas Motto of Health and TMS rejection is:
"Relax and be in the Xmas you're in, not in the Hallmark Movie in your head"

It is our expectations and self pressure that makes us have 'crappy' times.....lose them and you just might accidentally enjoy yourself. How do I lose them? By getting them down on paper and knowing what they are!!!

Thank You Dr. Sarno.
Merry Christmas Diana and everyone else!!!
 
Baseball65 said:
I just lied to somebody to spare their feelings and keep a dialogue short. I know I lied and I am OK with my lie.
My annual 'Christmas Lie'

"Well isn't that being disingenuous or dodging the truth?"

No. I am not going somewhere because I have Boundaries and the hosts broke them. Period. What anyone else feels about it is their own problem...I only lied to avoid a discussion. It's no one's business but mine, and the Ninth step comes into play
"Except when to do so would injure them or others"... If I told the Truth? Then I'd have a big unnecessary emotional mess to mop up.

\ Once a dog has bitten me, if I stick my hand in the yard again, who is dumb? I have written about it and felt it already. This is not some knee jerk reaction, just like you telling your Son what you are and aren't OK with. As long as we're doing it from an honest , self informed POV, what they feel is their problem. I do honestly pray for crappy people..I have to. What we don't need to do is keep putting our heart and Jaws on a tee for them to kick!!!

My Christmas Motto of Health and TMS rejection is:
"Relax and be in the Xmas you're in, not in the Hallmark Movie in your head"

It is our expectations and self pressure that makes us have 'crappy' times.....lose them and you just might accidentally enjoy yourself. How do I lose them? By getting them down on paper and knowing what they are!!!

Thank You Dr. Sarno.
Merry Christmas Diana and everyone else!!!
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A thousand 'likes' @Baseball65!

It's Christmas Day morning here in England and I've just been out for a walk through the streets on the one day of the year when it's so comparatively quiet to that of normal that it was a real joy... hardly any people about and very few cars on the road, and only the odd plane to be heard passing over in the sky... I breathed in the relative peace.

Wishing you and everyone peace and a Happy Christmas!
 
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Diana-M said:
why am I always on trial? )
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I think this is a key question. And it could be expanded to include, "why do I put everyone else on trial"? It's our tendency to judge.....ourselves, other people, the present moment.....everything. It sucks all the joy out of life. Acceptance is a key component to recovery from TMS. Learning to just be in the present moment with ourselves, others, life as it is rather than how we think it should be. I try to remember to remind myself to breathe, let go, just be. It's amazing how many "problems" just fade away when I do that.
 
Ellen said:
I think this is a key question. And it could be expanded to include, "why do I put everyone else on trial"? It's our tendency to judge.....ourselves, other people, the present moment.....everything. It sucks all the joy out of life. Acceptance is a key component to recovery from TMS. Learning to just be in the present moment with ourselves, others, life as it is rather than how we think it should be. I try to remember to remind myself to breathe, let go, just be. It's amazing how many "problems" just fade away when I do that.
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This is beautiful advice. Something to really work on!
 
Judgement, like its cousin Expectations, leads to Pressure and Pressure will usually result in symptoms, especially if Repression is in the mix.

This forum is a gift as are its many wonderful and supportive and loving members. I'm wishing blessings, peace and joy to all.
 
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