Small injury, big reaction

Hello Lovelies!

Can you talk me down here? I’ve done a right number on myself! The scene: walking through the park a month ago, and a dog was chasing a ball and ran into the back of my leg. The owner called out to warn me and I braced, so it just bounced off my calf - it wasn’t a huge dog, below my knee height - and though it was a shock, it wasn’t painful - no bruise, not even red. I brushed off the mud with a few choice words and carried on my walk for an hour.

The very first thing I said to myself was: ‘Now don’t you go and TMS this!’ But I did. So now I’m fancying that the leg feels ‘odd’ - pins and needles, numbness (except not really, I can feel a pinch), a ‘crawling’ feeling, a certain ‘heaviness'… It looks and feels to the touch just like the other - no pain, no heat, no lump - just 1cm bigger in circumference, which I understand can be normal… It performs like the other - I’ve been walking an hour or two every day as normal. I can ignore it or forget it when I’m distracted or in a good mood… at other times, I obsess that I’m getting lymphoedema or a DVT… So it’s classic, isn’t it?

Further factors: I was walking with my husband, who gets anxious at these things, so I suppressed my reaction… it was during a stressful time… and, though I grew up with working dogs in the countryside and am no stranger to a bit of doggy roughhousing, I have a prejudice against jumpy, badly-trained dogs (or rather, their owners) in parks…

I mean… even if it HAD bruised or cut it or whatever, surely it would be healed after a month?! I have no other factors for DVT, I believe - under 60, non smoker, not overweight, active, though I did have a couple of armpit nodes removed for breast cancer five years ago, don’t know if that would make a difference... I haven't attempted to see a doctor for it (I'm in the UK, it's difficult these days...). I say all these things to convince me, but they don't stick...

Has anyone else had this? A minor bump that gets TMSed out of aaall proportion into a Big Bloody Thing? I’ve tried journalling it out, talking kindly to myself, kicking my own arse… Any ideas, even if it’s just affirmation that yeah, we can totally do this to ourselves?

Thanks in advance. I'm hope you're all in smashing mental and physical health and not being a big idiot like me...

Love Cariad

 

@Cariad
I love the name you chose to use!
Of COURSE you can simply bump yourself and get some tms symptoms. People sneeze, turn, eat a grape, look at some letters on a page and all kinds of other things and begin reporting symptoms on this forum.
You can get it checked out, get yourself on a wait list and do as you are doing - the TMS work. "I was walking with my husband, who gets anxious at these things, so I suppressed my reaction… it was during a stressful time" - goodness, I find myself constantly repressing my reactions to things when my husband shows some sort of stress when I am involved. He clenches his hands or rolls his eyes or whatever it is and I automatically don't want to deal with his reaction to me or his "stress" because then of course it all comes down to conditional love...which I KNOW is not true, but my silly brain keeps on going there every single time because I was conditioned to think this way. Consider that this is not the only time you've been "suppressing your reaction" which we all really know as feeling your feelings because you don't need to react to feel them - you can do it quietly and silently - have you felt the internal need to pussyfoot around his anxiety in other areas in life, especially during this stressful time?
Lightly further exploring all of those feelings, and checking on your internal self might be worth while. You've also tried some other TMS tactics like being kind. What about relaxation and time to yourself for self care, especially during a stressful time. What about simply ignoring the sensations? Considering you've measured the leg - you have some sort of mental obsession with it right now. That is TMS. What about making fun of your thoughts - showing your brain that they are not true. Instead of calling it lymphoedema why not say "come on lumpy leg, let's move!".
I've been reading a lot about this "distraction" what is the distraction really? It is distracting you from joy, feeling free, happy, enjoying life...and by doing just that you show it who's boss. Give it a nickname (or MANY, keep poking fun in a funny way). I get the "creepy crawlies" and of course it's "ants in my pants" and we often call my pain a banana (for absolutely no reason other than that it's silly.
Give it a few days to sink in, give yourself time and kindness at mindfully re-directing your thoughts when they begin to head down the rabbit hole!

 

The only thing I would add to the wonderful advice from @Cactusflower is to go ahead and get on the waiting list to have this looked at. Then keep on keeping on with the assumption that your body has in fact healed, and that it's your fear about blunt force trauma that is causing a TMS reaction (your TMS brain is probably thrilled) - and that you probably don't need the appointment - but it's there just in case.

The brilliance of this small action is that it will immediately relieve a significant amount of the pressure you've been putting on yourself, which gives you some extra space to approach your TMS work more rationally, with a quieter mind.

 

Wow, thanks, dear @Cactusflower and @JanAtheCPA ! I was really lifted by your posts!

You're both right, of course - it makes the utmost sense to get it checked anyway. I tried this morning and there were no appointments left, but I'll try again tomorrow (that's how the system goes, there's no waiting list, everyone just phones in the morning and fights for the slots like The Hunger Games...). Just committing to doing it already lifts some of the pressure though - not the endless 'should I call, shouldn't I?' So thanks for that, really helpful.

And it's interesting, @Cactusflower , that you picked up on the 'suppressing my emotions' thing, because that that's been on my mind lately... I recognise what you say about 'picking up on the signals' - the rolled eyes, the clenched hands, the 'all day not happy face' in my husband's case! I've long suspected he's on the Asperger's spectrum - fiercely intelligent but emotionally illiterate and very anxious - and though I can have some sympathy for that, I have resented the need to walk on eggshells, to manage his emotions as well as my own, and anxiety can be used as a form of control. It means I go through life unsupported and it makes everything harder than it needs to be.

We've been married for 34 years so I should be used to it by now, but I think going through meno and overcoming breast cancer and general growing up in the last few years has shortened my patience with it! Once the oestrogen's gone, who gives a shiny shhii-illing for teh menz anyway, and life's too short to pussyfoot around! So I'm exploring, quietly, what this means going forward for me...

But then you add another thing that I think is very important - humour! I've always dearly loved a laugh and looked for the fun in life, and I think this is a powerful tool to use in TMS recovery! So I shall laugh at my creepy crawly banana leg and its lame attempts to gain my attention... thanks for reminding me of this!

I accept it may take a few days to turn around because I've been psyching myself with this for a month... but I'm heading in the right direction now! Big hugs to you both for your kindness and wisdom!

 

Amen, sister!

Big hugs and love back to you @Cariad - and you go, girl!

 

“I have resented the need to walk on eggshells, to manage his emotions as well as my own, and anxiety can be used as a form of control. It means I go through life unsupported and it makes everything harder than it needs to be.

We've been married for 34 years so I should be used to it by now”

can you give yourself permission not to deal so much with his anxiety? To talk to him and let him know what goes on with you and that you need to set boundaries for yourself. It will be super hard for him, he’s probably become dependent on your management, but perhaps he doesn’t have to be so much. I get you about being married a long time and then finally realizing how things “work”. I had no idea I respond to my husband the same way I was trained to ‘manage’ my mom’s emotions.