I wish I could give you a big hug Lily Rose. Thank you so much for your post. I'm sorry for all you have been through and sorry the spasms returned. I hope they listen to you, finish their tantrum, and let go! Thinking of the spasms as a tantrum is a wonderful strategy. I also read somewhere to think of them as a migraine, annoying, but harmless. I was getting good at this, but then symptoms intensified and changed. Then fear slips in and doubt and worries about the future. I've never been good at humor, it's something I hope to cultivate. I have many moments of strength, but it seems like the moments of weakness so easily overshadow the positive ones. Thank you for your advice, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Warmest wishes!
I accept the hug ^_^ thank you.
My little body-workers
did listen. It was quite amazing. Within the allotted time, it faded more. We needed to go up the mountain to my beautiful mothers to get some wood. My saint-husband was concerned for my pain (this from a man who suffers advanced degeneration in his knee from a long-ago staph infection). I told him we are going, and that is it. We did. I wasn't pain-free, but I was
pain-free. I had returned to my normal levels, which is very moderate these days. When we arrived home, I sent him inside to rest his leg, while I unloaded the wood. That is how 'fine' I felt.
Humour is a challenge for me, as well, but when you view your own body as a working hive of mini-workers, and if you add attitude to their personalities, it can become very entertaining. If I put something in my mouth that I know I shouldn't ... I can 'see' the team down there saying, "You guys see what is heading down here???? Get ready!"
Moments of weakness are in us all. We get tired. Overwhelmed. Distracted. Then there is the self-flagellation that follows after we don't respond in a manner that lives up to our internal ideals.
With practice ... lots and lots of practice, this gets better. Lots of practice.
I can empathize with the pain you both have endured. There isn't much one can say to ease this, other than to let you know that many of us have been there. One positive aspect that jumps out at me though, is that both of you were able to connect your emotional pain to your physical pain. That is a huge and powerful step toward healing TMS.
It is a VERY positive aspect ... I could not have reached where I am right here, right now, if it weren't for this forum, and all the participants. The support here is everything.
I had a similar, though less intense, experience last night. I was reading Steve Conenna's book, which is my umpteenth book on TMS that I've read. Despite that and the fact that I've filled several notebooks with journaling, his book still triggered some emotional pain that I hadn't dealt with completely. I'd written it down, but hadn't really explored it fully because it was just too painful. Sure enough I had a large bout of pain last night (in an area I hadn't had pain in long, long time) and it continued and increased so that it kept me from sleeping much at all. So this morning I made the connection of that emotional experience to my pain, and begin to write about it in depth.
You say less intense .... no one can measure another persons pain, not on any scale. Pain is unique to the individual, and the triggers are just as unique. You did not sleep much due to pain. I would call this intense. While my pain was extreme, between the hits, I slept quite well, and had rather pleasant and symbolic dreams ... hmm, to share or not to share ... ok - Beauty and the Beast (the TV show). Vincent sheltering me and reading beautiful poems. A very sweet dream to soothe me.
I think today, as another storm is moving in, I will set out candles and light them with the soft prayers that we all gain deeper insights and diminishing pains *smiles*
Lily Rose, I will just toss this thought out where you can turn it around it your analytical and deliberative mind. Would asking Grandma to remove that photograph be a helpful step for you? Not because you can't deal with the emotions associated with viewing it, because you can. But because it would be a step toward asserting yourself and asking someone to do a very small and easy thing for you. Something just for you, who gives so much to others.
This .... what a beautiful and generous and heart-felt thought. I once considered this ... but I decided to let it be. I do not (repeat the 'do not' many many times) wish to open this conversation with my grandmother. We have an arrangement of sorts ... she is forbidden to discuss anything that involves me in any way. Essential, my history is off limits. She is a talker, and enjoys relating her entire history (95 years worth), but with me ... she knows to leave me alone. I massage her feet, her poor knees, sometimes her neck ... I listen, I hug her, I advocate for her care. She wishes our relationship, and has learned to respect my boundaries. She knows I will, without a backwards glance, walk away if I am provoked. Since I am literally the only family member who nurtures her, she is highly motivated to keep that silence.
We are all in this together .... our personal histories, our pain, our growth, our healing ...
I am off to light the three candles, in representation of our maiden-mother-crone, our goddess power, our intrinsic, deeply buried knowledge of the ancient powers.
with grace and much gratitude,
^_^
