Shaking, twitching nightmare

Argh! I read a post about BFS and felt some relief. But I just thought I could write my own story and hear some words of encouragement if anyone is willing. When all this started last summer after a minor pop in my back I developed the buzzing trembling shaking in my legs and back about 2 months after the initial aggravating event. I was frightened beyond belief and two doctors and a few PTs had no idea what they were looking at. After a clean MRI came back I was sent off with meds and told to wait. Great, needless to say I was a wreck. Things finally eased up after a couple of months, but then returned with a vengeance in Dec. Saw at least 4 more docs and got a few different diagnosis, facet syndrome, degenerative disk disease, and central pain sensitization. I tried epidural and facet shots, nothing, except I believe all the steroids aggravated everything. Then in mid Jan of this year I found Dr. Sarno's book and my life began to change. It all made sense. I started to improve, but by no means was a read the book, healed kind of case. I still struggle tremendously with pain, anxiety, and fear of regular activity, but things were improving. Then tonight, I had a huge fight with my husband, and wham - The whole body shaking came back, I tried to float as Dr Weekes suggested and nothing. I could feel my body tense first and then came the seizure like shakes. It is such an awful experience. I don't want to go back to more doctors only to get more negative results, but is this TMS? Why can't I write it away this time? Any advice? I'm so scared I will have to live like this forever.

 

I guess you are still dealing with a lot of emotions from the fight. I am not surprised that such an event can bring back the symptoms. You have to believe that it will die down again but it will take time. Keep doing the things that helped you in the past.
I personally learned that an onset of symptoms usually means there are emotions that need to come out. I sit down, close my eyes and start to focus on the air flowing through my nose. I then ask myself 'What is bothering you?'. Yesterday they came out after only one minute, but sometimes it takes 10 minutes to reach a state in which you allow your emotions to come out. Undergo those emotions, don't judge them, just let it happen. Your eyes may become watery or you may feel anger, again, don't react to it, just let it flow.
And don't forget, as Sarno stated: Fear makes everything worse. You have had several doctors look at you and they couldn't find a thing. The symptoms came after a very emotional event, which really points in the direction of the mind being the cause of it all. I know, easier said than done, but try to not let this scare you.
take care,
Giga

 

You will not live like this forever. You will not. That is fear whispering in your ear. Sometimes, whispers are more intrusive than shouting, because we strain towards a whisper, whereas we can lean away from a shout. A whisper sneaks in, like smoke, creating a haze. Breathing, as Gigalos advised, is essential. Conscious, deliberate breathing. Adding affirmations as you breathe in ... I am strong, I am safe, I am protected ... releasing the toxin-thoughts as you exhale. Practice, practice, practice this.

Yesterday, I challenged myself, pushing my boundaries. My grandmother keeps a danger-photo in her room at the assisted living facility. It is a double-dangerous one ... within the image is both my soul-father, and the man who molested me multiple times during my 8th year of living. My soul-father ended his life when I was 12, and the grief remains strong, but softer over time. The man died in prison. To see them both in the same photo ...

I stood before the photo, while my grandmother used the restroom, and I stared at it. Just ... stared, letting the emotions flow. It was a mere trickle, as my defenses were scrambling. Still, I opened that door.

Eight hours later, it hit with crippling force, my back spasmed, rolling across and around my hips. My saint-husband was trying to figure out how I 'injured' it, but I merely said it wasn't an injury and it would play itself out. Even though sounds of pain erupted with every move, I followed it with grumbling humour.

It is morning now, and the pain is easing. I informed my body that it had another hour, and then I expect this tantrum to be at an end. We'll see how that works out

It is easy to say don't fear. It is much harder to employ such advice. How do you stop being afraid? How, indeed.

Begin with those affirmations. I am safe. Over and over and over and over again. Wrap your own personal protector, angel, entity, diety around you like a warm, thick blanket. Nothing can truly harm you. Everything we experience advances our growth and understanding.

Believe in yourself.
You ARE that powerful.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

I wish I could give you a big hug Lily Rose. Thank you so much for your post. I'm sorry for all you have been through and sorry the spasms returned. I hope they listen to you, finish their tantrum, and let go! Thinking of the spasms as a tantrum is a wonderful strategy. I also read somewhere to think of them as a migraine, annoying, but harmless. I was getting good at this, but then symptoms intensified and changed. Then fear slips in and doubt and worries about the future. I've never been good at humor, it's something I hope to cultivate. I have many moments of strength, but it seems like the moments of weakness so easily overshadow the positive ones. Thank you for your advice, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Warmest wishes!

 

Thank you Giga! Fear is my weakness. I have been afraid my whole life. It's tough to break such an ingrained pattern. And just when I think I got it, I slip and fall again, measuring myself by what I can't do rather than what I can, another lifelong habit of mine. I kicked most of my anxiety and fears in my late 20's while I was finishing grad school, I was able to accomplish things I never believed I could have done. I travelled the world, finished a PhD, lectured, married the man of my dreams and had two beautiful girls. Now in my late 30's all of that confidence and self assurance is slipping away and life is frightening again. I know I can pull myself out of this again. I know belief in myself is key. Thank you again for your comments. Best wishes to you!

 

Painfreefuture and Lily Rose,

I can empathize with the pain you both have endured. There isn't much one can say to ease this, other than to let you know that many of us have been there. One positive aspect that jumps out at me though, is that both of you were able to connect your emotional pain to your physical pain. That is a huge and powerful step toward healing TMS.

I had a similar, though less intense, experience last night. I was reading Steve Conenna's book, which is my umpteenth book on TMS that I've read. Despite that and the fact that I've filled several notebooks with journaling, his book still triggered some emotional pain that I hadn't dealt with completely. I'd written it down, but hadn't really explored it fully because it was just too painful. Sure enough I had a large bout of pain last night (in an area I hadn't had pain in long, long time) and it continued and increased so that it kept me from sleeping much at all. So this morning I made the connection of that emotional experience to my pain, and begin to write about it in depth.

Lily Rose, I will just toss this thought out where you can turn it around it your analytical and deliberative mind. Would asking Grandma to remove that photograph be a helpful step for you? Not because you can't deal with the emotions associated with viewing it, because you can. But because it would be a step toward asserting yourself and asking someone to do a very small and easy thing for you. Something just for you, who gives so much to others.

 

Lily Rose, you went through emotional hell looking at that photo. I don't see why your grandmother keeps it out in her room.
It can only remind her and you of the worst of times.

Try not to look at it because it just brings back bad memories.

It may all come to down to letting go. Forgive who caused you pain and pray for them.
Toss the ball to God and let Him judge them. That's how I float past anxieties and anger and rage.

You've already surfaced them from your repressed emotions. You only have to do that once
for your unconscious to get the message. Now think sunlight and happy.

It would be great if your grandma turned the photo over so you can't see it.

 

I accept the hug ^_^ thank you.

My little body-workers did listen. It was quite amazing. Within the allotted time, it faded more. We needed to go up the mountain to my beautiful mothers to get some wood. My saint-husband was concerned for my pain (this from a man who suffers advanced degeneration in his knee from a long-ago staph infection). I told him we are going, and that is it. We did. I wasn't pain-free, but I was pain-free. I had returned to my normal levels, which is very moderate these days. When we arrived home, I sent him inside to rest his leg, while I unloaded the wood. That is how 'fine' I felt.

Humour is a challenge for me, as well, but when you view your own body as a working hive of mini-workers, and if you add attitude to their personalities, it can become very entertaining. If I put something in my mouth that I know I shouldn't ... I can 'see' the team down there saying, "You guys see what is heading down here???? Get ready!"

Moments of weakness are in us all. We get tired. Overwhelmed. Distracted. Then there is the self-flagellation that follows after we don't respond in a manner that lives up to our internal ideals.

With practice ... lots and lots of practice, this gets better. Lots of practice.

It is a VERY positive aspect ... I could not have reached where I am right here, right now, if it weren't for this forum, and all the participants. The support here is everything.

You say less intense .... no one can measure another persons pain, not on any scale. Pain is unique to the individual, and the triggers are just as unique. You did not sleep much due to pain. I would call this intense. While my pain was extreme, between the hits, I slept quite well, and had rather pleasant and symbolic dreams ... hmm, to share or not to share ... ok - Beauty and the Beast (the TV show). Vincent sheltering me and reading beautiful poems. A very sweet dream to soothe me.

I think today, as another storm is moving in, I will set out candles and light them with the soft prayers that we all gain deeper insights and diminishing pains *smiles*

This .... what a beautiful and generous and heart-felt thought. I once considered this ... but I decided to let it be. I do not (repeat the 'do not' many many times) wish to open this conversation with my grandmother. We have an arrangement of sorts ... she is forbidden to discuss anything that involves me in any way. Essential, my history is off limits. She is a talker, and enjoys relating her entire history (95 years worth), but with me ... she knows to leave me alone. I massage her feet, her poor knees, sometimes her neck ... I listen, I hug her, I advocate for her care. She wishes our relationship, and has learned to respect my boundaries. She knows I will, without a backwards glance, walk away if I am provoked. Since I am literally the only family member who nurtures her, she is highly motivated to keep that silence.

We are all in this together .... our personal histories, our pain, our growth, our healing ...

I am off to light the three candles, in representation of our maiden-mother-crone, our goddess power, our intrinsic, deeply buried knowledge of the ancient powers.

with grace and much gratitude,
^_^

 

Walt, you got this post in as I was working on my responses

I do not know if she is even aware of what her ex-son-in-law did. I certainly don't want to be the one to tell her, nor do I wish to discuss it with her.

I am working on the forgiveness ... not for him, he is beyond this realm now and he has his answers ... but for myself.

I DO think sunlight. I love love love sunlight. I have learned to love the rain, too. In the end, it really is just love that matters. Love and acceptance.

What is ... is.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

Painfreefuture, I only have a minute as I'm on my way out the door but I just wanted to tell you that one of my earlier TMS symptoms were shaking. It scared the tar out of me…I thought I was developing MS. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my whole body trembling. My wise nurse practitioner wisely diagnosed anxiety. (This was many years ago. I wonder if she has since learned about TMS.)

Every once in a very great while, I will experience a return of that but it's just with a limb. I laugh it off when it happens now. I know how terrifying it is but let me assure you if they have already ruled out anything else…rest that it is TMS. And especially remind yourself that IT IS HARMLESS! It's a toothless lion roaring. Your nervous system is on overload and it WILL settle down as you continue to education and walk out your healing.

Lily Rose…special hugs to you my brave friend.

 

*smiles and whispers* Spring is coming, and so is that espresso madness ice cream cone ..... when my fingers are wrapped gently around the fragile cone, I will hold it up in a salute to you, and then devour it

A hug right back {{{Beautiful North Star}}}

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

You are right about this, Lily Rose. My tendency to minimize my pain is part of my TMS, and I appreciate being 'called' on it. However, my sleep can be disrupted by a butterfly's wings fluttering a continent away

 

Thank you everyone. I know that I am on the right path. I am doing better at accepting what is going on with my body and working on being in the present and seeing the grace of God in all things around me. It is very reassuring to know that what is going on in my body is TMS. It is frightening being so helpless and letting go of the ideal and accepting what 'is' is really tough for me. But I am coming to accept now that healing is a process and not like flipping an on/off switch.

My grandmother passed away last night. I did not find out until this morning. I wonder if my subconscious knew. This has brought about a lot of emotion. I do not have a great relationship with my mother, just as she did not have a great relationship with my grandmother. I am grateful to have the awareness that my current emotional stress is the cause of my symptoms. Early on I would panic and resist which only made things much worse. I am hopeful that when things settle down emotionally the flare up will subside.

Thank you for all your support. I have found a safe place.

Many blessings

 

Believing your pain is TMS is not an invitation to minimize any aspect of yourself. The pain is real. It hurts. It is a reflection of our emotional pain, and this, too, should not be minimized. Our pain is a cry in the dark ...

Is our pain really a diversion from our emotional pain? Or is it a plea for attention. Once we know the pain stems from our emotions, doesn't it follow that now the pain is really about an expression of the depth and fear of our emotional pain?

Mmm, I must sink into contemplation of this.

This is a safe place. A haven upon your journey.

Grace of God. Grace of Life. Grace of You. It is all woven together.

Your subconscious knew. Do not doubt this. Our connections are vast and complex.

Death in this life is always difficult for us to process. A loss, abandonment, an awakening of our mortality. Know that you are embraced in support and empathy for this transition you are experiencing. Blessings, always.

Remember: Believe in yourself.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

I've found that just knowing our anxieties, pain, fear, worry are largely or mostly from TMS repressed emotions
helps me immeasurably to accept them and not let them give me more stress. More often now,
I relax and relieve the worries by tossing the ball to God and letting Him deal with them.
He is a team player who never quits and always catches the ball.