SCARED

Hi All,

I am sure you've all seen "SCARED" posted threads.

My TMS is NOT getting BETTER as a matter of fact I am starting to have sciatica in the left leg as well only different. More like buttock burn.

This started when my Aunt came knocking at the door three weeks ago and my Mom refused to let her in. Long story...She tried to rip my Mom's money off after my Dad died. I went through tons of family stress and I am my Mom's only caregiver.

Any how today I have buttock pirformis pain in my right leg that goes down all the way down to my calf. What scares me is I am not getting the usually tingling and numbness.....

I get a nerve burning pain and cramps down my calf! It is scarey.

Now I went to a knew woman doctor (who at least showed compassion) who did all the strength test and reflex test. I passed all of them...

She gave me stupid exercises which I will not do as it is counter productive to TMS!!

But, today I am almost ready to go back and demand an X-ray or MRI...

My Mind is really keeping me preoccupied on the pain as it keeps telling me...Maybe you have tumor, or worst ALS...

I know this is unlikely, but, fear is really playing apart in all this...

I am seriously contemplating quitting my part time job because it takes almost 2 hours one way to drive...So, I am sitting almost two hours bumper to bumper...By time I get out of the car my buttock, and calf is killing me..

I started to self medicate by drinking 6 glasses of wine a day. On top of that I am doing benzo's...One pill a day...

Since a couple of days ago I quite wine cold turkey...But still doing the benzos...

Also, I have a brother who is married and lives in Cali...He texted me a picture of him in Hawaii as the texted read "aloha"....

He doesn't care that I am taking care of his Mother and makes no point to help...

Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated...

Kalo

 

Oh, Kalo, you are dealing with too much! I'm so sorry! I wouldn't mind helping you kick your brother's @$$ right back across the Pacific Ocean, geez.

If I can tell you one thing for encouragement, since you've seen a doc, it is that your tricky brain will absolutely create new symptoms, and variations on symptoms, just to keep you guessing. Check out this thread for a great discussion about all the crazy ways that TMS can manifest - and, bonus! it includes several posts by the awesome Steve Ozanich: http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/anyone-have-and-swelling-with-tms.8882/ (the title should be "hand" swelling).

Speaking of ALS, the wonderful Dr. Gabor Mate (one of my heroes, along with Dr. Sarno and Dr. Claire Weekes) blew my mind when he convinced me that ALS is the result of severe emotional repression based in childhood. His landmark book is When The Body Says No, also mentioned by Steve O above.

My advice would be to write unsent letters to your aunt, your brother, and to your mom. If you don't know what I mean by that, you'll want to check out and start doing the Structured Educational Program. The key is to be totally honest about your feelings, which is safe to do because these letters are not sent. If you don't hesitate to put it all down on paper, it is a great release. The bottom line is that you need to get at the deeper emotions that your brain is still suppressing, and those will be all about your family.

And start looking for a closer job. Just taking action on that will be a positive distraction and help you feel better about yourself.

It's good that you're off the six glasses of wine, and one benzo a day ain't gonna kill you, especially if you can use it as a tool around which to visualize a little calmness. However, if you can prescribe yourself a dose of self-love and acceptance, I think that would do even more good.

Good luck, and let us know how you're doing, okay? We're here for you.

Jan

 

Hi Jan,

Thank you so much! Your post made me cry! Truthfully, I have stated to my Mom and friends my disappointment in my Brother (who moved Mom 89 year old Mom out of the city) Of course I followed because she couldn't care for herself. But, the point is I have journaled and have NOT kept anything inside.

I have had a bad childhood (had severe LD and Aspergers) and never got helped and didn't have a lot of close friends. Any how the point is nothing or emotions I have kept inside...I cry to my Mom and friends (two) all the time. I expressed and have forgiven my Aunt for being so greedy, and even my brother for not caring.

The kicker to all this is after my Dad passed away, I found out that my brother and I were adopted at the age of 48 years old.

I amd to scared to read Gabor Mate's book(when the body says no) as I am afraid of getting ALS....

I have read snippets of his book enough to know that it would spike my health anxiety.

The only thing that gives me alittle hope is Monte Hueftle who says it's not some repressed emotions but how we react to life....I guess I just have to change my reaction to what is going on....

I am very sensitive person and again I don't hold know anger but I am still very hurt for being left alone to tend to my Mom.

Also, where my brother moved my Mom which is in a retirement community city, the job market is horrible and most jobs are in the city!

Thanks for your response!

Kalo

 

Whew, Kalo - those are some big issues. I don't think I can even imagine how overwhelming they feel - again, I'm so sorry. And I wish I had advice for your employment situation, because a 2-hour commute is no way to live your life - even if it gets you out of the house.

My immediate impression is that it sounds lovely that you've forgiven your aunt and your brother. And then I look at everything else you've written, and I'm not buying it. I say this, not to be mean, but because I want to encourage you to find a way to honestly access your true emotions, as scary as that will be for you. The fact that you are afraid to read Dr. Mate because you might discover that you are making yourself sick is kind of a giveaway that your brain is locked down and keeping you from seeing the truth in your own unconscious.

IMO, the concept of "forgiveness" is often misunderstood and misused. I think you'll find a number of people here who believe that you do NOT have to "forgive" someone's unforgivable behavior. You can, perhaps, understand why your brother is such a jerk and doesn't want to help (was he always selfish, or did your parents raise him badly, or could it have something to do with his own anger at your parents for keeping you in the dark?) But understanding why he is this way doesn't mean that you have to forgive his abandonment of you! You should have a tremendous amount of rage about that. And the thing is, you do - but your brain is doing a great job of stuffing that rage way down into your unconscious, because such thoughts might mean that you're a bad person and that's unacceptable. Instead, your brain gives you pain.

Speaking of abandonment, have you even had a moment to yourself to access your rage and sadness over your abandonment by your birth parents? How about your father's denial of your true relationship for the 48 years you were supposedly part of his life? And your mom enabled that? Oh. My. God. !!! Where is your rage about all of that? You talk about it intellectually, and presumably you've cried about it, but have you been able to admit to yourself that they totally screwed up? Your true rage is there somewhere, but it's WAY too unacceptable to have such thoughts about your parents - that would mean you're a REALLY bad person. So your brain gives you pain.

You sound like someone who is trying SO hard to be good and understanding - but you need to see that it is the goodism that is hurting you. That, plus fear, plus beating yourself up. Fear is a great distraction for what is really going on deep down, which is what makes it a powerful roadblock to healing. Add negative self-talk, and you've got the perfect storm for TMS.

Well, he's absolutely right that changing your mind/perception/experience is an important part of recovery, but ignoring repressed emotions? I think that's wishful thinking. It might work for some people for a while, and it may in fact be fine for some people who have quite shallow issues. But when the pain doesn't go away, gets worse, or comes back worse than ever, this advice is way too simplistic, and psychotherapy is called for. Even those of us who did not experience a dysfunctional upbringing still harbor secret rage, resentment, and shame that stem from all of those little childhood incidents and relationships that form our adult psyche. Sadly, you don't have shallow issues - you've got a number of very big issues. I haven't even conjectured about your aunt, never mind your mother and your role as her caretaker - these are land mines. Hidden, just waiting to explode while you tiptoe around in constant fear. That is also no way to live.

Of course, I could be way off base, but maybe there's something here that will speak to you - I hope so, anyway! You are dealing with a lot of very emotional issues, and I hope you can find your way through them. Therapy with a mind-body practitioner would be very beneficial if that is possible for you.

All the best,

Jan

 

Hi Jan,

THANK YOU for your WONDERFUL REPLY!!!!!

You are right, I deep down haven't forgiven as I still feel hurt and when one keeps thing of what someone has done to them they haven't forgiven. I read this book called the "forgiveness myth" it is a good book...

This is exactly what the authors of the Forgiveness Myth talk about...Forgiveness is often misunderstood and misused. My Brother has always been distance from our family. He left 25 years ago, and barely came around. However, a year before my Father's death he started making up for lost time and then my Dad unexpectably passed away. My Brother found out about his adoption the night of my Father's death! He told me he always knew something was wrong as he felt different. I deep down feel like he doesn't love us and that is "REJECTION and Abandonment! Instead of helping me with Mom, i.e. getting ready for what may come like government help or assistant living, he has wants to find his real mother. That makes me ANGRY! His real Mom (is his adopted Mom) the one who loved him and took care of him and got him out of that hell hole country GREECE!!! Believe me, I told my Mom, I wish you could of adopted different son. How is that for release! My understanding of him is he might be messed up mentally! Not only has he tried to find his birth Mother, but, says he could have other Brothers and Sisters that he would like to meet.

OMG, my Mom who has dementia tried to tell me my Birth Mother was 13 years old when she had me. I don't know what to believe, but, the first thing that comes to mind, was she RAPED? Is my brother and I created from RAPE?? We both have different both Mothers,but, how could both of them give birth at 13 years old. A good friend of the family who is Greek told me to stop thinking that I was created from Rape and that I don't know the Greeks....She told me to not think that way. As stated my Brother found out about his adoption the night my Father passed away and I found out 6 months later.

The first thing that came to my mind was...What does it matter now at my age that I found I am adopted. I loved my adopted Parent's and look like my Adopted Mother. But in finding out I was adopted late I kind of loss my sense of identity...Like, who am I??? I also will say I dislike my Birth Mother for giving me up! I know she probably couldn't take care of me but giving up a child is the ultimate REJECTION. When reading SteveO's book regard Clancy McKenzie, about how the child feels abandon if the mother doesn't bond with child...Well for 6 months (until my Parent's adopted me) who know if my Birth Mom bonded with me.

OMG, you are right!!!! But how does one give up the goodism, LOL I was also brainwashed by religion! I love GOD and I believe in a higher power but for many years I was brought up in a GREEK ORTHODOX up bringing. I NEVER and I mean NEVER fit in that culture and guess what I am GREEK, LOL
I have lots of baggage and underachiever, and finding out I had Asperger's and never got help was no ride in the park.

My Mom and Dad were 50's type Parent's...Mom stays home and takes care of the kids while Dad brings home the bacon. My Mom was told many times that something was wrong with me. I had severe dyslexia and couldn't receipt the alphabets until 3rd grade, that and math disabilities and slight form of autism. She swept it under the rug and my Dad never knew....

When I was old enough and didn't have boyfriends and loosing jobs, the both made me co dependent on them! Am I angry at them YES and I have admitted it...

But, who knew about LD kids in the late 70's early 80's..I was labeled dumb by the teachers and put in what was called a Learning Resource Center...I was passed through the cracks and that was that.

Well, according to Monte it is our day to day repressed feelings not some stuff that happened 40 years ago. Who knows, but, I have journaled and I have even gone to a pschyotherapist back in the day. My Aunt, which is on Dad's sister was not nice to me and would always say to my Mom, what is wrong with her...I am angry at my Mom cause she didn't like confrontation! She would try to reason with her! If It were me I would of told her to take a HIKE and leave my daughter alone.

My aunt tried to do the same thing and called me crazy in front of my Mom while she was trying to steal money. My Mom let her do it even though she didn't like it! I took the beating and I told my Mom no more. My Mom said to me that when she goes she doesn't want my Aunt at her funeral and if she shows, she will haunt me. I didn't think that was funny and I told her...If you don't want her at your funeral, you call her while you are still alive and tell her yourself, I am threw with doing your dirty work.

Okay, so, I have never spilled my guts like this on a forum, I truly do want therapy at least caregiver therapy...I feel like not only have I lost m Dad, but, my Mom too as she has dementia and is not the Mom of yester years...

Thanks so much and sorry for the long post.
Kalo

 

Hi, Kalo. I echo Jan's wonderful post and advice. The Structured Educational Program is a great help in discovering and dealing with our TMS emotions. Your mother and aunt remind me of my mother feuding with her sister. I loved my Mom but as my older brother said, "I love her, but I don't like her."

But then, he "dumped" Mom on my sister and after she couldn't take it any more, let me try. It was a very hard two years for me and I finally gave up.
She just could not be pleased or satisfied. My brother never even tried care for our Mom, so I know what you mean about your brother in Hawaii.
He probably will never have TMS pain because he is not a "goodist" like you, who want to be helpful to others.

I do encourage you to start the SEP. Here is a report from another in the TMSWiki community about how it helped him.

Kevin healed 95 % from SEP


Welcome to the SEP and to the path of recovery. I am on my final two days of the program and I can say with complete confidence that I am a changed man. I started after 6 months of nasty low-back/butt/leg pain, could hardly walk, stand, etc. was in physical therapy, chiropractor, acupuncture, pain medications, etc.. the usual. My MRI showed 3 disk bulges/herniations touching nerves, so that is what I believe it to be....that is until I read Dr. Sarno and found this site.

I encourage you to really get involved, follow the instructions, do the journaling, take time to read all the suggested readings, and watch the videos. I'd say I'm 95% cured. There is still some very light lingering "annoyance", but I still have some work to do. I've been walking miles with hardly any pain these last few weeks. But even more, if the pain comes on now, it just doesn't bother me like it used to, I sorta just see it, acknowledge it, and go about my business. It took working the program to get to that point, but 6 weeks compared to 6 months is nothing! I made more progress in the first week than I did from two months of PT!!! It's going to challenge you and your "beliefs" in medicine, but you have nothing to lose. We generally wind up here when all else fails.

So give it a shot, especially before considering anything invasive like surgery. If you put the work in, you will get better. Have you read Dr. Sarno yet? I assume you have since you're here, but in case you haven't, definitely read Healing Back Pain. Again, it will challenge everything you've believed about your pain, and backs in general. You'll be encouraged to resume life as normal, i.e. stop ALL "therapies" (PT, chiro, etc.), stop taking medications, and most importantly, stop thinking STRUCTURAL problems are the cause of your pain and shift to psychological as the reason.....again, this can be difficult and takes some time to sink in, so be patient and kind to yourself.

It was a process for me. A few of the bigger moves in my case were: I ripped up and threw out my MRI test results (I found myself obsessively reading over them and comparing them to other results I could find on the web and even here on the TMSwiki site...); I got back to the gym and stopped using a weight belt; and I even cancelled an appointment I had made with a TMS doctor because it was more than a month away and it was hindering my recovery (that is, my 100% belief in TMS was lagging because I had this pending appointment, but as soon as I cancelled it, my recovery sped up significantly). Everyone's journey is unique to their situation, but I've found that really committing to the program and brining what I learn from it into my daily life has had profound results. Also, sharing along the way here in these forums has been extremely helpful - there's something about knowing that you're not alone in your TMS recovery that really helps. I encourage you to look through my past posts for some insight into my experience with SEP. Like I said, I'm just now finishing, tomorrow is my final day, and I feel like a changed person. It's amazing. And I feel as though it is something that one carries on with, not just like a one time 6 week thing and that's that...it has helped me to get to know myself and taught me tools to "deal" with my emotions. Learning and accepting TMS is a life changer for sure.

 

Hi Walt,

This story of Kevin following the structural program is inspiring..

I guess, I have been putting it off because I am afraid it won't work for me...Silly, huh?

I have been checked out by TWO different doctors/D.O. who didn't think I need any X-rays or MRI's....

I am wondering though...Is this some deep seated repressed emotions.....

How much can I spill..When do I stop digging for the repressed emotions..

Or, is this the fact that my Brother carelessly moved my Mom a 100 miles out of the city and now it put more of a stress on me because I travel 2 hours one way for a part time job....

Hence, in retirement land where I live now with my Mom the jobs are scares..

Let us not forget that if something happens to my Mom I only have a part time job and no body to support me...I am not educated as well...

Also, my Aunt was a big reason why we moved to retirement land...She pretended she wanted to help me take care of my Mom.

Both persons who created this mess walked away and dumped it on me....

As stated I could try the SEP program, but, I am wondering if living in the past and future is my biggest problem...

Thanks for your reply!
Kalo

 

Don't be sorry! Give yourself credit for being willing to put it out there, because that's what this forum is for, and we do our best to make it a safe place for telling your true story.

Is there any way that you can see yourself as a strong and loving person? Because you sound incredibly strong to me, in spite of everything. And you are clearly very loving - although... not so much towards yourself? Hmmm...

~Jan

 

Kalo, I'm glad Walt brought up the SEP. You have so many confusing and emotional things going on, perhaps the "Structure" in the Structured Ed Program is just what you need. Part of the structure is to do a limited number of things per day so you don't get burned out. It will give you easy and enjoyable reading or video lessons, and guide you in doing writing exercises so that you aren't overwhelmed.

My experience is that I can "think" about all the things bothering me, but as long as I allow them to churn around in my thoughts, my symptoms don't go away. When I finally stop procrastinating and sit down to do some writing exercises, putting down the things that are stressing me, being able to look at them, and writing about some of them, that's when my brain is forced to slow down and let go a little bit. The SEP taught me how to do that.

Heh, did I mention my own procrastination just now? Yep, it's silly all right - but at the same time it's universal. I know exactly what you are talking about, because I've done it and I still do it. The truth, though, is that procrastination is just another roadblock that our brains want to put in our way.

There is hope, taken one day at a time. And The SEP encourages you to do just one day at a time. As we always say, it can't hurt, and it might help!

I think you are strong and brave, and I also think it's time for you to love yourself for that.

~Jan

 

Hi Jan,

Thanks again for your reply....Learning to love myself has been the hardest thing! I have always been told the bad about me...Never good enough, not trying hard enough, etc.

I know what needs to be done, I need to reprogram my brain and do the SEP program...

I agree, I have NOTHING to LOSE!!!

Kalo